If you had just returned home after a long day and you wanted to watch a film. You sat on your couch, switched on the TV and stumbled on this scene, and you switch the channel or you'll want to watch it?
I'll also love to get critics on this scene based on how producers would look at it.
ACT II: SCENE VFADE IN:
INT. JEREMIAH’S CELL – PRISON - CONTINUOUS
Jeremiah (Still wearing the exosuit)stands near his BARRED CELL DOOR, observing the prison corridors. Suddenly, the MAIN GATE swings open and FOUR Antichrists FIRMLY GRABBING Amy and Ava (Still wearing the exosuit)emerge from it. Jeremiah appears visibly disturbed by the scene. As he switches his gaze back to his cell, he screams in fear upon seeing OSSAMA BIN LADEN.
OSSAMA BIN LADEN
Mashallah Tabarakallah! Please no scream again! My ear drum!
Jeremiah screams even louder.
OSSAMA BIN LADEN
Oh... Oh! Oh, okay I understand. Bismillah wallahi, no bomb! No bomb Bismillah!
Jeremiah screams louder and the sound of his screams now seem like it was a woman screaming.
OSSAMA BIN LADEN
(Lifting his robe for Jeremiah to see)
Bismillah, wallahi, no bomb!
Jeremiah still appears very terrified but his screams subside.
OSSAMA BIN LADEN
(Pulls down his trouser and underwear)
Me assure you, no bomb anywhere wallahi!
Upon seeing Ossama Bin Laden’s manhood, Jeremiah screams louder than before.
CUT TO:
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The exosuit is interesting, Ebai-Eyong Akanga. I’d keep watching to see what happens to Jeremiah and learn more about the exosuit.
I’m thinking this is a Comedy script because of “Upon seeing Ossama Bin Laden’s manhood, Jeremiah screams louder than before.”
I suggest putting “Lifting his robe for Jeremiah to see” and “Pulls down his trouser and underwear” in action lines instead of parentheses.
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Maurice Vaughan
Thanks for that feedback
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You're welcome, Ebai-Eyong Akanga.
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I got visually lost in this brief scene, not sure where everyone is at the beginning of scene, why some words are in caps, and where did OBL come from when Jeremiah is in his locked cell.
Not sure of context but I'd switch channel immediately. Didnt find the dialogue or dick shot engaging or funny.
if the hook is the end & its not good, bring it in from the jump
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It's spelled "Osama." Is this correct, "FOUR Antichrists." As in four devils? Or is it Anarchists? Terrorists?
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No, I would definitely not watch this. or Read it.
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Genuinely got a guffaw out of me with the manhood bit.