Would anyone be willing to lend me their eyes and explain what I could have done better in an opening for my screenplay? It's just one page I need an opinion on, and I'd be extremely grateful. Just shoot me a message if you have time and are interested! Thank you!!!
Screenwriting : I need a set of eyes and an opinion on something. by Leah Tibbets
Author, Composer, Screenwriter, Voice Actor, Sales Agent
3 months ago
I need a set of eyes and an opinion on something.
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Hello. Others have been advised to put the pages below the logline. Believe one can only message you, when in your network.
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Since it is only a single page to read, you can copy it into a message to me.
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Thank you Wal, I posted the sample under my logline on my page after seeing your post. Göran, I added you to my network so I could message you but you can look the logline up on my page if you'd rather. I appreciate you both!
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You have a pleasant tone and it's easy to be in your story. Now do this exercise: Cut two thirds of the words. Begin with the -ing words. Describe what happens only.
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Thank you, Wal. I will work on this today. I appreciate your feedback.
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Howdy Leah Tibbets . Glancing at the excerpt you posted a few things jumped out at me. You can likely ditch the camera actions, i.e. CUT TOs and FADE TO BLACKs. The new scene heading/slugline denotes the scene change. When you zoom in on the computer screen you could just drop a secondary/special heading like "ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN". If you're cutting back to the warehouse after that add another special heading like "BACK TO THE WAREHOUSE". Temporal qualifiers, e.g. "suddenly" or "begins to", etc. can be eliminated. Also, I think I only saw one, but "We See..." is something to avoid as well. Like Wal states above cull the superfluous descriptors and keep the action lines concise and tight. Interesting plot thus far!
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Thank you so much Mike. Will cut out a lot of the fluff and take out the Cut To and Fades. Appreciate the help and your honesty.
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Leah Tibbets No problem, I did many of the same things initially!
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You got great feedback in the comments, Leah Tibbets. Do you still want feedback on your page?
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I am good on that, on the final when I post my final draft I do though. I can let everyone know then who is in my network via my page when it is ready :). Also yes I got really great feedback, I saw what Wal and Mike meant by "cutting out the fluff." I had a lot in there that is better for if you are a novel writer, not so much a screenplay writer! I edited the scene with Sarah to get practice on being more succinct, and now I'm feeling a bit more confident that I can do it! Y'all are great :)
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Sure. What have you got?
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Hey Bill, I got 2 people who went over it so far, I have a lot of "fluff cutting" to do. I appreciate your reply though, if you're still interested in reviewing it, I can let you know once I get the extra stuff cut out :) Hope you're having a wonderful day/night.
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If you think it needs a look let me know. Sometimes it helps to just walk away from it for a few days then go back for a fresh look.
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i am interested to read your screenplay and learn from it and maybe their is something that i as well teach you
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You're right Bill. I just finished a few scenes tonight, you're welcome to review it whenever you have time and let me know if you have any suggestions and feedback. I'm learning as much as I can from the wonderful people here, but you're right, I have to take a break temporarily anyways because I work during the week as a Sales agent, I think that'll help! Fazal, thank you I sent you a reply :)