Screenwriting : Updated Scene by Aleksandr Rozhnov

No Aleksandr Rozhnov No it is about 8 min ---- so NO

I think the updated scene and dialogue are better, Aleksandr Rozhnov, but I think some of the dialogue is still stiff and on the nose/too direct. I also think the updated scene could be shorter. I suggest breaking up the first paragraph into smaller paragraphs. It's easier to read smaller paragraphs.

I understand it should be broken into paragraphs, but I wrote everything in one paragraph here to save space. And if possible, could you tell me what you would cut from this scene?

Regarding the dialogues, there might be some imperfections, but please understand—English is not my native language, and I don’t know it perfectly. So I might make some mistakes, but I will fix them.

I would cut the part about the painting and Marilyn, Aleksandr Rozhnov, starting when Joseph says, "Boss, can I ask something?"

If we cut this part, how will we understand that he was a killer?

From the mansion, John saying, "You know, bullets don’t care if you’re healthy or not," and John saying "Look, Joseph, I love you, but betrayal? Not tolerated." the reader should be able to figure out he's a killer, Aleksandr Rozhnov.

The audience definitely won’t understand from these lines that he’s a killer, because anyone could say things like “bullets don’t care who they hit” or “I don’t tolerate betrayal.” Any person could say that. But from the dialogue about the painting, it immediately becomes clear that he was a killer. We shouldn’t speculate what the audience should understand—we need to make it absolutely clear to the audience.

Aleksandr Rozhnov Well, you don’t have to explain everything to the audience. Rely on their intelligence, not their ignorance.

I honestly didn’t understand your comment about relying on their intelligence, not their ignorance. If you mean the audience, I don’t know who will be watching my film. But I need to explain clearly what is happening, who is on screen, and what… and what will happen next, and why it’s happening. And I need to explain it in a way that a child or an 80-year-old man or woman could understand if they watch it.

Aleksandr Rozhnov

No, this way you won’t be able to make a film, believe me. A film is always directed at a specific segment of the audience, not everyone. In the entire history of world cinema, there has never been a film made for all the segments you’re talking about. What you should do is aim the film at the largest possible audience that aligns with its vision. And here’s the key distinction: those who watch the film are not necessarily the same as those it is actually targeted at. The group of viewers can be very large, but the target audience is usually much smaller

Aleksandr Rozhnov Building on what Husin just said, I’m curious, what films would you consider comparables for this project? In other words, which movies do you feel are in the same lane in terms of tone, audience, or style?

I apologize, but do you think I don’t understand that every film is aimed at a specific target audience? My script is also aimed at a specific audience. The thing is, there could be two people, both 30 years old, but one has three university degrees and a doctoral dissertation, while the other barely finished high school. They will have very different levels of understanding, but you don’t know who will actually watch your film. Maybe both of them will. And I have to write the film in a way that both can understand what it’s about.

Якщо хочеш, можу зробити ще більш «гостру» версію, яка передає твоє роздратування, але не ображає співрозмовника, щоб не псувати імідж на Stage 32. Хочеш, щоб я так зробив?

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Aleksandr Rozhnov

Ooooh, I really love discussing screenwriters and I truly enjoy it. My friend, you’re amazing. — Well, I agree with you on what you said about the two people: one with three PhDs and the other with only a high school diploma. Naturally, their appreciation of cinematic work will be different, so you need to give each of them what they want without harming the other’s vision or understanding. That’s where the difficult equation lies — it demands many questions and answers in the writer’s imagination in order to give the audience what they need. So yes, give each of them what they need. How do you do that??? You’re the writer — find the way

I’ll let you in on a secret about how I write screenplays. Yes, each of my films is aimed at a specific audience. But I write them so that even a child can understand them. That’s because the film industry today works in a way where the profit comes from movies where people can relax. The films that make people think don’t make money. That’s why investors order the films that can bring in money. And money comes from films where everything is clear. Even a child can understand these films. That’s why in my films, everything has to be logical, and everything has to be understandable. The audience shouldn’t leave asking, “Why did that happen? How did it happen? What does it mean?” They should just say, “Great movie, I relaxed, I enjoyed it.” And these are the films that bring in money. That’s how I write my films.

Scene: Opulent wealth

John: Louche fatcat

Joseph: Tough guy underling

Relationship between Joseph and John: Unclear from this scene. John is Joseph's employer, but it seems like they've just met and don't really know each other yet

In-scene conflict: What are they disagreeing about? The glass of milk and the payment of the pool guy seem like lowkey disagreements that possibly speak to a bigger unspoken fight? Why is John concerned about betrayal - that comes out of nowhere.

TOP: John is in charge of his world

BOTTOM: John gets shot

Key set piece: there currenlty isn't one.

An idea for this scene: Instead of having them standing around like shags on a rock, have them moving.

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They pull up in the flashy car, Joseph gets out of the drivers side and opens the door for John - this clearly delineates that Jo's the worker and John's the boss. They dialogue as they walk to the pool with a clear sense of who's in charge and who's underling. Other people around the pool greet John like he's awesome - clear delineation of his status - and ignore Jo who's the invisible security or whatever.

Jo talks about John's laissez-faire attitude to money and friends. John talks about how he trusts all his people and likes to share the love. yada yada, John jumps in the pool and gets shot alarmingly accurately. Everybody screams

****

It's the same scene but if you move people around it allows for more body language and natural conversation, I think

Watch Guy Ritchie’s film The Gentlemen. You’ll learn a lot about screenwriting craft there, and you’ll also see a very different kind of boss–underling relationship.

If you want, I can help you with the English. It's problematic.

Thank you so much. I can speak English fluently, but knowing conversational nuances perfectly — how people actually talk, how they respond, especially within certain groups — that’s challenging for me. I doubt you could really help me with that, but I’ll keep it in mind. Thanks a lot.