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CHOIRBOY ISS #23

CHOIRBOY ISS #23
By Nicholas P

GENRE: Thriller, Drama
LOGLINE:

A teenage boy's nightmare ends when his mother and him run away from Hell's Kitchen to San Diego. Only for their abusive father and husband to find them.

SYNOPSIS:

It's 1968, Bobby Valens, and his mother Gianna run away to California to escape their abusive husband and father. Six years later before his 19th birthday, Bobby gets a job as a contractor. After, he meets a waitress and young mother named Mary Jane. When Mary Jane's older sister Deidre tries to get Bobby to take her out on a date, Mary Jane rebuffs the idea and apologizes to Bobby. After his first day at work, Bobby goes back to the same diner that Mary Jane works at but insults her about having a newborn.

His every attempt to get on her good side, Bobby gets a surprise visit from his father, Charlie, who takes him out to a casino and tries to talk to Mary Jane for him. Bobby hesitates to go into the diner but returns, eating every pie to impress her. The next day, Bobby returns and wins her over and takes out for Chinese food, not before they become intimate. Things go to the next level when Bobby is introduced to her newborn son, Nicholas.

After months of dating, Bobby and Mary Jane get married, adjusting to his life to being a father to Nicholas. Again, Charlie shows up and insults Bobby about his choice in marrying Mary Jane. Angered, Bobby punches Charlie and tells him to never talk about her. Bobby returns home to sleep but leaves in frustration to hear Mary Jane return home and decides to go to the local market to retrieve alcohol. Passed out drunk in the living room, Mary Jane lets him have his time. The next morning, Bobby and Mary Jane have an intimate moment. Rather than go to work, Bobby takes Mary Jane and the toddler to the amusement park. The day after, Charlie has become the new foreman and gives Bobby a rough time. Causing Bobby an injury to his eye. Mary Jane goes to work with Bobby to guard him. Charlie has his eyes set on her, pretending to be nice. Even Mary Jane invites him over for dinner. Just days before Christmas, Mary Jane is buying cake mix and is spotted by Charlie. Mary Jane breaks the ice to him that she happily married and does not plan on anything to go further. Expecting her second child with Bobby.

After a Christmas party, Bobby and Mary Jane return home but tragedy strikes when Charlie hits Mary Jane with his car. Due to the accident, Mary Jane miscarries and causes her to slip into depression. As weeks go by, Mary Jane returns to work and is greeted by Charlie. Rather than have anything to do with him, Mary Jane smashes a pie in his face and causes him embarrassment. After work, Mary Jane and Bobby are home when Charlie plans to take them out. In revenge, Charlie is stopped by a police officer.

As the couple try, they don't make it. Mary Jane goes to jail for hitting Bobby with a bat. Rather than press charges, Bobby tells his mother to not go through with it because he can't take away Nicky's mother. As they are about to leave, 5-Year-Old Nick says goodbye to Bobby. Ten years pass, Nick is 15 years old and is bullied by kids for his mother being a stripper. Bobby bails him out of trouble but is left alone after not wanting to listen to Nick's plead for him to be his father and Mary Jane's husband again. Realizing that he wants the same, Bobby and Mary Jane make up. They plan to get back together. Charlie watches them from his car and plans to make it look like Nick is kidnapped. Charlie calls Bobby from a strip club and taunts him to go ask his mother. Bobby goes to his mother's house and finds her dead. The police alerted; Bobby realizes Charlie has framed him but has a plan of his own. In his truck, Bobby is shot in his side, while Bobby smashes Charlie's face into the steering wheel, killing him. Bobby blows Charlie's face off and puts his jacket on Charlie's corpse. Knowing they have the same DNA.

Twenty years later, Bobby drives to Los Angeles with his wife, Abigail and two children. They arrive at Nick's house. Nervous but ready to face the son he always wanted. Nick is married and has two daughters. Nick has his revenge but forgives Bobby for the tough choice he had to make. Now able to move on, the father and son say goodbye. Their final time together. Nick dies and Bobby returns for his funeral service.

Before leaving, Bobby returns to his old neighborhood, and reminisces about Nick as a toddler and his marriage to Mary Jane. He leaves knowing that he has the best memories of them forever.

CHOIRBOY ISS #23

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Phil Clarke

Think I can see what you're trying to do here, Nicholas, but there are a few issues with this logline. Firstly, by opening with statement that the boy's nightmare ends sucks out all the tension and conflict before we've barely started. I assume you mean to say that the teenage boy and his mother run away to LA to escape their abusive father and husband only for the man to find them...

Also, there's some spelling and syntax issues: Should be "when he and his mother" and it's "run away" as a verb (they are both runaways)

And whereabouts did they come from? How far have they come? If they lived in San Diego, it's not a great upheaval, but if they've come from, say, Colombia, then that presents some additional conflict and also shows how determined the father is to find them. So, this would be good to clarify.

Also, the title "CHOIR BOY" (usually one word) doesn't particularly relate to the logline content. Does the teen sing in a choir? And if so, how is this relevant to the main plot and premise of the story?

Hope the above is of some help, Nicholas. Do let me know if I can be of any further support.

Nicholas P

Thank you Phil Clarke And I will let you know

Tasha Lewis

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