Hello everyone! I'd like to see if I can get feedback on three short film scripts that I've written. One of them, Patrick Snow and the Eight Speed Dates, was filmed and was submitted and accepted to some film festivals. I'd like to write a feature length script for Patrick Snow. The other two, Coffee Shop and Lift, have received some feedback but are still works in progress and I need some help fleshing them out. Thanks! Oh, I thought I could post a link to my scripts. So I'll do three separate posts so this one doesn't get too long. Thanks!
Patrick Snow and the Eight Speed Dates
INT. E.M.L. CRYSIS’S OFFICE - DAY
A maze of cubicles. SOUNDS of a bustling office at the end of a work week. Employees scurrying to finish their work. Into frame comes ... NARRATOR. Early 30’s female, strong individual style, self assured.
Narrator
In the entire history of the
world, man has been plagued
by mid-life crises. Cave man
would take on a herd of wooly
mammoth’s instead of one to
conquer their mid-life crises.
A risky venture, indeed, that
found many dying in the pursuit
of sustained virility. Mid-
century modern man traded in his
overalls for business suits.
These men fed their ego with the
the pursuit of power in business,
the courtship of many women at
one time all while their lower
posterior brains were telling
they were the superior sex.
Things have come very far since
then. Take E.M.L Crysis, also
known as Patrick Snow. He’s
having an early mid-life crisis
that’s manifesting itself in ways
far removed from his forefathers.
Instead of wooing the ladies he’s
emo-ing his way through a recent
break up. Poor guy.
Slumped at his desk is E.M.L. CRYSIS. Mid 30’s male. Wrinkled clothes. Harried expression. Yelling at him is Patrick’s boss. Late 30’s. He’s standing beside E.M.L’s desk with his chair facing him and crumpling a large stack of unfinished work in frustration. Gary then throws it up in the air. He storms out of the office as E.M.L. sighs. It’s Friday and all he wants is for the work day to end.
Narrator(cont)
But ....
(a beat)
Things are about to get
interesting.
His phone VIBRATES and bounces back and forth on his desk as a text comes through but he only stares at it mindlessly as a distraction from his monotonous stupor of a life. After a beat, he picks it up.
ON THE PHONE SCREEN
the text message reads:
“Let’s go to the bar tonight. Drink a
little. Or a lot. Pick up girls.”
BACK TO E.M.L.
He types a response.
“Nah. Gonna go home, have a beer and
watch the game.”
The door to his office opens.
FRIEND
You can watch your team lose
anytime.
E.M.L.
Dude, I told you I’m not going.
FRIEND
I know. But come on man! Don’t
wallow. Get out of your funk.
E.M.L.
It’s just so depressing.
Whatever. Can’t I just wallow?
Watch the game. Wallow. Drink
beer.
FRIEND
No! What does a quarterback
do when he sees a sack coming?
E.M.L.
He yells “Kill, kill, kill”.
What’s your point?
FRIEND
No. Well yes. But that’s not
what I mean. He scrambles and
runs out of the pocket. Run
out of the pocket! Get out
and run down the field. Find
another receiver.
E.M.L.
Enough with the sports metaphors.
We going to the usual bar?
FRIEND
Nah. Someplace with a different
scene. Let’s grab a bite first
though. I’m hungry.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
When they get to the bar people are mingling so they head to the bar to get a drink. As they’re waiting for the bartender Patrick’s boss walks up beside them and Patrick looks over at him.
BOSS
(rolls eyes)
Weird seeing you outside of
work.
He motions the bartender over and orders a bourbon on the rocks. He takes a big gulp and makes a face.
BOSS(cont)
No hard feelings about earlier
but I am your boss. I gotta do
my job. So... are you here for
the speed dating?
E.M.L. looks at his friend.
E.M.L.
Are we here for speed dating?!
ANNOUNCER
Can I have everyone’s attention.
We’re about to start so if I
could have all the men take a
take a seat please?
E.M.L.
What’s going on?
FRIEND
I didn’t want to tell you because
I knew you wouldn’t come.
E.M.L.
You’re right. I don’t want to
do this!
FRIEND
I know you don’t. But you can’t
hide out. Just go with it and
see what happens.
The announcer comes over, asks them to sit down and shows them to three tables next to each other. Patrick sits down at the last table with his friend in between him and Gary.
E.M.L.
You owe me for this! A case of
beer.
ANNOUNCER
Okay everyone. For those who
haven’t been to a speed dating
event before, here’s how it
goes. You will have one minute
to interact with one another.
You can talk about anything
you want. Be open and honest
and do your best to get to
know each other. We have
provided bar food to eat.
When the minute is up you will
move on to the next table. Most
importantly, remember to have
fun. Your time starts now.
BASHFUL BETTY anxiously sits on the edge of the chair with her hands clasped in her lap. She looks up shyly and smiles.
BASHFUL BETTY
Hi. Ummmm. Hi. I’m Betty. I
like making collages with the
color pink.
Betty reaches into her bag, pulls out a cat collage and puts it on her lap. She continues talking while she's showing the cat collage to him.
BASHFUL BETTY
Bright pink, dark pink, light
pink. It’s my favorite color.
I like cats too. Do you like
my cat? Her name is Chat Rose.
It’s french for pink cat. She’s
not pink, though.
E.M.L
Hi Betty. That’s..interesting.
So what else do you like to do?
BASHFUL BETTY
Nothing. Cats and collages take
all my time.
ANNOUNCER
Time’s up! Everyone change
seats.
Bashful Betty waves goodbye shyly and DOC DONNA sits down and makes notes on her clipboard, inspecting him up and down. She reaches out to shake his hand assertively.
DOC DONNA
Hello. I’m Donna. I’m a
colorectal surgeon. If you
ever have lower digestive
tract issues, I’m your girl.
E.M.L
I’m pretty regular. Boring
even.
DOC DONNA
Honey. No one is regular! And
I can fix that.
E.M.L.
You can say that again. But
I’m fine. Thank you.
ANNOUNCER
Okay people. Time’s up! Switch.
E.M.L.
(mumbling)
Thank god.
DOPEY DAPHNE sits down but misses the chair and falls to the floor. She gets up and smiles at him. Picking up her glass she clinks it with his and takes a sip. She picks up the silverware and starts drumming on the table then puts them down to spin a small appetizer plate on her finger. She puts the plate down and spears two pieces of fried mozzarella, concentrating on what she’s doing.
E.M.L.
(dumbfounded)
What are you doing? Is your
job a silent Chaplin-esque
clown? Are you speed dating
or working?
He leans his head on his hand as she just smiles at him.
E.M.L.
Oh my god! Why am I here?
ANNOUNCER
And that’s a minute. Switch.
Dopey Daphne beats on the table with the silverware as she gets up. E.M.L. looks over at his friend.
E.M.L.
Make that two cases. This is
just crazy!
HAPPY HOLLY sits down in front of him and puts her hand on his in a friendly gesture.
HAPPY HOLLY
Hey. I’m Hawwww-ley. Pleased
to meet you. I own a flower
shop. Making people smile makes
me giddy. I started flower
arranging after my boyfriend
broke up with me. I just needed
sunshine and happiness around
me. So I quit my job at the
funeral parlor and got excited
about my life. What do you do?
What’s your name?
Holly looks down at her list.
HAPPY HOLLY
Awwwhhh. Patrick.
(beat)
That’s a nice name.
ANNOUNCER
Alright boys and girls. You know
the drill. Almost finished!
She looks at him and pouts.
HAPPY HOLLY
Well shoot. We’re out of time.
It was nice talking to you.
SLEEPY SANDY drags herself over, sits down in the chair, puts her elbow on the table and leans her head on her hand and yawns.
E.M.L.
Why are you even here?
SLEEPY SANDY
I’m sorry. I’m a narcoleptic.
My name is Sandy. I feel a
cataplectic attack coming on.
Don’t be alarmed.
E.M.L.
What’s that?
SLEEPY SANDY
My neck muscles will get weak
and my head will drop to the
table. But it will only last
a couple of seconds to a few
minutes. I’ll be conscious the
whole time. Then I’ll come out
of it and I’ll be laughing or
crying. Or both.
E.M.L.
(looks concerned)
What causes it? Do I need catch
your head?
SLEEPY SANDY
(slurring)
It’s caused by a strong emotional
reaction and I think you’re hot.
And I’m seeing two of you. Oh
yeah, this is a GOOD time for
double vision!
Her had drops to the table and he gets up to help her. People around him look over and the announcer rushes over.
ANNOUNCER
What happened?
E.M.L.
She has something called
cataplexy. She said this
would be happening. I
didn’t know what to do.
Sleepy Sandy slowly lifts her head up and starts laughing and crying at the same time.
ANNOUNCER
Ma’am. Are you alright? Perhaps
we should call someone for you.
SLEEPY SANDY
No I’m fine. Just a slight attack
brought on by his hotness.
ANNOUNCER
(smiling)
Well be sure to mark him as a yes
on your paper then.
The announcer helps her out of the chair.
ANNOUNCER
Time everyone. Go meet the next
person.
SNEEZY SUSIE sits down with a tissue in her hand. She puts it down on the table and extends her hand to shake his.
SNEEZY SUSIE
Hi I’m Susie. I’m allergic to
everything. Animals, peanuts,
dairy, shellfish, wool, gluten.
You name it. I can’t even touch
any of it. I get hives, itchy
rashes, swelling, dripping. And
I have three different epi-pens.
She hands the epi-pen to him.
SNEEZY SUSIE (cont.)
Here. Hold my epi-pen just in
case.
(sneezing)
So what’s your name?
Sneezy Susie blows her nose.
ANNOUNCER
And that’s time. Switch!
SNEEZY SUSIE
Well it was nice meeting you.
GRUMPY GEORGIA sits down huffily in the chair across from him
and crosses her arms.
GRUMPY GEORGIA
I’m Georgia. My night’s been
shitty. All you people suck.
I just wanna go.
(stands up)
Bye Felicia!
E.M.L.
(shrugs)
Bye.
E.M.L almost gets up when the announcer calls time.
ANNOUNCER
Okay this is our last rotation.
SOPHIE sits down and takes a sip of her wine. She extends her
hand out to his.
SOPHIE
Hi. I’m Sophie.
E.M.L.
Look, I’m sure you’re nice
and all but ....
He looks up then sits up straight.
SOPHIE
You were saying?
E.M.L.
I was just saying that it’s
been a really strange night
but it’s very nice to meet
you. My name is Patrick.
She smiles at him.
SOPHIE
It’s very nice to meet you
Patrick. First time speed
dating?
PATRICK
Yes. And it’s very definitely
my last.
SOPHIE
Mine too. I think this ran
late. I really have to run
but would you wanna meet up
for coffee?
PATRICK
Sounds great! It’s a date?
She writes down her number and the name of the coffee shop then hands it to him.
SOPHIE
(smiling)
It’s a date! See you tomorrow.
Good night.
PATRICK
Good night.
Patrick smiles and leans back in his chair as he watches her exit.
FRIEND
Hey man. Looks like you
scored!
PATRICK
Big time. I got a date
tomorrow.
FRIEND
With who?
Patrick panics. His boss walks up.
PATRICK’S BOSS
So how’d it go? Did you
see anyone you liked?
Patrick looks annoyed.
PATRICK
I was just saying that I did.
But, oh my god I forgot her
name! Ahh man. The one that
was right here. She was right
here. She’s really beautiful.
Ummm. She was wearing a black
dress. Ummm ....
FRIEND/BOSS
Oh. Sophie?
PATRICK
Yes! Sophie! She’s an angel.
I’ve got a date with her
tomorrow.
FRIEND
Me too!
Patrick expression quickly changes from joyful to irritated.
PATRICK’S BOSS
I gotta go. See you Monday.
Patrick’s boss quickly walks away then pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and looks at the name. It has Sophie’s name and number on it. He looks up and smirks, then walks out.
FADE TO BLACK.
