Hello everyone! I'd like to see if I can get feedback on three short film scripts that I've written. One of them, Patrick Snow and the Eight Speed Dates, was filmed and was submitted and accepted to some film festivals. I'd like to write a feature length script for Patrick Snow. The other two, Coffee Shop/Just One Day(can't decide on the title) and Lift, have received some feedback but are still works in progress and I need some help fleshing them out. Thanks!
Coffee Shop/Just One Day
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
SAM, a female in her early 30’s, enters a coffee shop and walks up to the counter.
SAM
Hey Katie! How’s it going
today?
KATIE, a female in her 20’s, turns around and smiles at Sam.
KATIE
Hey girl! Eh. More of the same.
Still single. Still in boring
business school.
SAM
(chuckling)
I’m sorry. Take it from me.
Chase your dreams. Don’t
status quo your life.
KATIE
Business school isn’t chasing
my dreams! And, anyway, have
you seen male business majors?
She points to the corner table. Sam glances over then turns around and looks at her sympathetically.
KATIE (cont)
They look like Bill Gates!
I want to drop out and be you,
with your cool blog and amazing
stories!
SAM
Don’t worry about guys. The
right one will come along
soon enough. In the meantime,
do you in the raddest way ever!
Sam hands her a $20 dollar bill.
SAM (cont)
Keep it! Put it towards your
2.
dream fund.
KATIE
(smiling)
Thanks!
Sam gets settled with her computer and journal at a table. A few minutes later the barista calls out her name and she gets up to
get her coffee. When she turns around she bumps into CHRIS, a male in his early 30’s.
SAM
(absentmindedly)
I’m so sorry.
He smiles at her but she doesn’t notice. He grabs some napkins and sugar and sits at a table close to hers. He takes a pen out of his backpack and opens his book. As he’s about to start reading the barista calls out his name.
BARISTA
Tall Caramel Macchiato for
Chris.
When he gets up she looks up at him. He smiles but once again it goes unnoticed as she looks back at her computer. She’s writing on her computer so he decides to wait a while before going over to talk to her. He opens his book and pretends to read as he watches her then finally walks over to her. She looks up.
SAM
Can I help you?
CHRIS
Can I join you?
She shrugs.
SAM
It’s a public place.
He continues to stand.
3.
CHRIS
I was the one you ran into
earlier after you got your
coffee.
She looks up.
SAM
I know. I said I was sorry.
Did some coffee get on your
shirt or something?
CHRIS
(confused)
No. Are you always this
difficult to talk to?
She thinks for a minute.
SAM
(smirking)
Not that I’ve been told.
He sits down across from her.
CHRIS
Do I know you? I feel like
we’ve met before. That biting
wit is so familiar.
SAM
I don’t think so. I’d remember.
CHRIS
Huh. Maybe not. I’ve had my eye on
you since I walked ...
(a beat)
Well since you walked in to
me.
SAM
I know.
He looks around.
4.
CHRIS
Okay.
SAM
So is there something you want?
Tips on writing a blog? Tips
on hanging out in coffee shops
by yourself and still looking
cool.
She points to the counter.
SAM (cont)
A date with Katie?
He looks over at the counter then back at her.
CHRIS
Who’s Katie?
SAM
Oh for god’s sake! She’s the
girl behind the counter. You
were standing right behind me.
He smiles.
CHRIS
For someone who acts like she
doesn’t care about anything
you sure have noticed a lot
about what I’ve been doing.
(a beat)
I’ll make a deal with you.
Give me one day.
SAM
You’re not exactly the king
of discretion.
(a beat)
One day for what?
CHRIS
To prove I can make you want
5.
to spend more time with me.
SAM
You really think you’re
something special, don’t you?
CHRIS
I think we just need to hang
out for the day. It could be
important.
SAM
(chuckling)
What an overblown sentiment!
Honestly, I don’t have time.
CHRIS
Oh come on. What’s one day?
You can ditch me after a few
hours if you’re not having fun.
She looks skeptical.
SAM
I don’t know. Okay ...
(a beat)
this is a deal, let’s
raise the stakes.
CHRIS
To what?
SAM
For one thing, this has to end
at 6 o’clock tonight.
CHRIS
I don’t see a problem with that.
SAM
And if you’re wrong and I don’t
want to spend more time with
you, then you have to buy me
dinner. But I get to go home
6.
and eat it. Alone. If I’m wrong,
then I have to buy you dinner.
CHRIS
And eat it with me. You’re on!
My name is Chris, by the way.
SAM
Hi Chris. I’m Sam.
CHRIS
Hi Sam. I’m gonna go get my
things. I’ll be right
back.
She shuts down her laptop and puts her journal and pens in her large purse. She looks over at the counter.
SAM
Bye Katie! I’ll see you
tomorrow.
KATIE gives her a thumbs up and a smile.
KATIE
Bye.
They walk outside and she looks at Chris.
SAM
Okay. So where to?
CHRIS
Let’s just walk and talk.
SAM
You’re kidding, right?
CHRIS
Just for now. I am hungry
though. There’s a deli down
the street with the best
sandwiches. Let’s go get one
and sit in the park.
7.
After they get their food, they find a grassy area under a big tree to sit.
CHRIS
So, are you a writer?
SAM
I am.
CHRIS
What do you write?
SAM
Just about everything. The
biggest thing I do right now
is run a blog.
CHRIS
So what do you really want to
write?
SAM
I like telling stories.
CHRIS
That sounds interesting.
SAM
Yeah. When I was a kid I would
write these plays and put them
on in my backyard.
CHRIS
Funny! I grew up with a kid who
used to do skits in her backyard.
SAM
So what do you do?
CHRIS
I’m in college.
She looks at him skeptically.
8.
SAM
Aren’t you a little too old
for college?
He shrugs.
CHRIS
There’s no right age to go to
college. My parents moved a
lot when I was a kid. I got
used to it and did the same
thing after high school but
now I want to settle in one
place and have a career; meet
someone.
SAM
I suppose that makes sense.
She looks around.
SAM (cont)
You ready to continue on? Take
one step closer to losing that
bet?
He gets up and holds out a hand for her. She takes it and he pulls her up and close to him.
CHRIS
I’m not gonna lose!
She smiles.
SAM
We’ll see about that.
CHRIS
So how about you? Did you go
to college?
SAM
No. My parents weren’t happy
with me but all I’ve ever
9.
wanted to be was a writer.
I wrote for the school paper
in high school in addition
to all of the other stuff.
CHRIS
Wow! I was never good at nor
interested in anything when I
was in school. Maybe because
there was no point in getting
involved. I knew we’d move
again sooner rather than later.
SAM
That had to be tough to deal
with as a kid.
CHRIS
It was. There was only one
time I can think of that
anything mattered.
SAM
What was it?
CHRIS
It was before we started moving
all the time. I had the biggest
crush on this girl.
(laughing)
We were like six years old
when I first started crushing
on her. I remember thinking
that she was the prettiest
thing I’d ever seen in my life.
SAM
Awww, that’s sweet!
CHRIS
(chuckles)
When we moved my heart was
broken. We promised to stay
in touch but my family
10.
moved so much that I lost her
address. I always wondered
what happened to her.
SAM
I think we all had that
as little kids. Mine was
our neighbor. We were the
nerdiest kids in school.
No one liked us so we were
inseparable.
CHRIS
What happened to him?
SAM
He moved. His dad got a job in
another state, I think.
CHRIS
Did you grow up around here?
SAM
Oh no! I grew up in a small town
on the east coast.
CHRIS
What was your favorite childhood
memory?
SAM
Every summer we’d go to the
Outer Banks for vacation.
CHRIS
Did you keep in touch with
him?
SAM
No. I lived in another state
and we were young. Maybe
he’s a jerk now or maybe he’s
married. Who knows.
11.
She looks at him.
CHRIS
You’re good at pushing people
away, huh? How come?
SAM
That’s really none of your
business.
CHRIS
You’re right. I’m sorry.
He points in the direction of a small vintage store.
CHRIS (cont)
That looks like a cool store.
Want to go in?
She peers in the window.
SAM
Okay.
They come out and he hands her a bag.
SAM
What’s this?
CHRIS
I saw you looking at that
journal, so I got it for you.
She starts to pull out money but he stops her.
CHRIS (cont)
Keep your money.
SAM
You don’t know me. Why are
you buying me things?
CHRIS
It was just a nice gesture.
12.
Nothing more. There’s an
ice cream shop on the corner.
Want to go in and get some?
She smirks.
SAM
Yes. But I’m paying for mine.
CHRIS
That’s not allowed. I ask you
to go with me. I pay.
SAM
It is now!
When they come out they sit in a little square and watch a street performer.
CHRIS
This guy is pretty good!
SAM
He’s okay.
CHRIS
What do you like to do with
your free time?
SAM
See movies. Eat out. Go to
concerts.
CHRIS
Have dinner with new friends?
It’s after 6 o’clock. Let’s go
to a nice restaurant and have
dinner.
She looks at her watch and gets up.
SAM
You’re a nice guy, Chris. And
I really did have fun today.
13.
But I really need to get going.
CHRIS
But wait. I have something ...
SAM
I can’t do this. I’m sorry.
She walks away, leaving him standing there.
CHRIS
(to himself)
... something I wanted to tell
you.
He stands there for a moment then decides what he needs to do.
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY (THE NEXT DAY)
Sam is sitting at her table with her computer open but she’s talking to Katie, who is sitting with her.
KATIE
So you just left him standing
there? Why? Was he boring?
SAM
I just wasn’t interested.
Katie rolls her eyes.
KATIE
Oh give me a break! He was so
cute. I’ll date him if you
won’t.
SAM
He was, wasn’t he? Maybe I...
Just then the door chimes as someone walks in. Katie’s mouth drops open and Sam is about to turn and see what she’s looking at.
14.
KATIE
Don’t look now! Cuz he’s here.
And he’s looking right at you.
SAM
(whispers to herself)
Shit!
Chris walks up to the counter just as Katie gets behind the register.
CHRIS
Hi Katie. I’ll have just a
regular coffee. Large.
He turns and looks at Sam.
CHRIS (cont)
I’m keeping it simple today.
He turns back around and hands her money.
CHRIS (cont)
Keep the change. For your dream
fund.
As he’s walking over to get cream and sugar he looks at Sam.
CHRIS (cont)
Morning, Sam.
She looks up sheepishly.
SAM
Hey.
He walks over to her table and sits down.
CHRIS
How are you this morning?
15.
SAM
I’m okay. What ...
(a beat)
What’s going on?
CHRIS
I came across something you
might be interested in.
He digs in his computer bag and drops a photograph on the table.
She picks it up then puts her hand to her mouth.
CLOSE ON: PHOTO
of two smiling children with their arms around each other on a beach.
She looks up at him.
CHRIS
Hello, Sammie.
SAM
Oh my God. Why didn’t you say
anything yesterday?
CHRIS
I didn’t know until you brought
up the backyard skits. The Outer
Banks trip solidified it for me.
I never forgot you. I made sure
to keep that picture of you and I.
She takes his hand in hers.
SAM
I was so sad when you left. You
were my best friend.
CHRIS
(smiling)
Well, I’m here now.
FADE TO BLACK.
