Hi everyone, Being new to the world of screenwriting I am learning a great deal but looking for more to learn and grow from. Can I get some feedback on this log line? My writing partner and I have gotten some positive feedback from the script from those who have read it but I am wondering of the log line is a drawback or just not popping enough. Two female Los Angeles adult probation officers develop a six-week retreat to help a group of spoiled celebrities end their probation early. During the process both ladies have to confront and deal with their own insecurities and histories.
Screenwriting : Log Line for Review by Natalie Farst
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What are these insecurities and histories and how are they turned into conflicts we can see? General Logline note (ie, for everyone): You want to help us see the specific story, so use words which give us concrete details and allow us to see the physical (visual) conflict of the story. You also want to focus on what makes this story unique and different from any similar story. That may seem contradictory: giving us the essence of your story in about 30 words and giving us details and focusing on what makes it unique... but that is a function of word choice, You want to select the best words, words which are evocative and precise. The same way you would write the action in your screenplay: the fewest words that give the strongest impact. The same skills which are important in screenwriting are important in crafting your logline.
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I agree with the gist of the previous comments. The first sentence of the logline is very compelling and specific enough, the second one is vague, vapid even, and it loses me. Kas' first logline is quite good, though you need to be sure it is true to your story.
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Try to focus not on what you find important about your script but what someone else will. The hooks! Ask yourself.. Why do I want to watch this movie .. or read this script for that matter. I mean when scrolling through indy movies on netflix what makes you watch an unknown. I'm a partner in a screenplay competition indystockscreen.com and when I read Log lines I pick them based on curiosity. Are you sparking curiosity is the question?
Great insight, WM! Thx. JF
Most people read the 1st 30 pages...if it doesn't grab them...they throw it !
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I agree, too long. Try this: Two female probation officers help celebrities with their rehab while rehabbing themselves in the process.
Thank you EVERYONE for your input! I can see what everyone is saying about the length and believe in this whole process I think the log line has been the most frustrating part. I want to let everyone know their backgrounds have nothing to do with their own struggles with drugs and prostitution. Instead their insecurities revolve around their abilities to trust in their personal lives and the history is that of the amount of death and destruction they have witnessed, which is explained throughout the story. I am going to re-write and post what I come up with. Thanks again everyone!!!