Screenwriting : The Logline Request by Tony Russo

Feels a little long and clunky. Great story concept, but the line needs some crafting.

Yeah that last line is a third leg needing an amputation.

Here's an improvement: Logline: A teenage boy secretly builds a rescue robot from one of his genius uncle’s forbidden designs. When the boy wishes he could set his uncle free, the robot breaks the uncle out of prison, leading to a confrontation with a terrifying giant war machine.

I like that much better. Still not packing the punch you need. I wish I could be more help, but it's not coming to me either.

Remember that loglines need to be short. They're not supposed to be an encapsulated overview of the plot. You have to dig down to the very marrow of your story, even sacrificing literal accuracy. Loglines should rarely even be two sentences. Most of the time, they are just one. This is a tough assignment, but how about this: An imprisoned robot designer is rescued when his nephew uses one of his forbidden robot designs, sparking a massive military manhunt. .... As you see, it's not perfect, but you absolutely have to make it that short. Think about the loglines you read on airline entertainment guides when you fly. That's brevity!

Make it one sentence, about two lines maximum, something you can say aloud without gasping for breath at the end. Is the plot something like: A boy attempts to break his uncle out of prison by building a robot...?

Try this: Two boys build a robot to break their uncle out of jail.

A logline is one sentence.

Anthony Moore got it right. That's eye catching. A logline often is worsened by details.

When a teen and his rescue robot free the boy's uncle from jail, a giant war machine pursues them. Sci-fi Drama. 2 hrs.

Thanks to all. This has been very helpful.

Read something recently that said loglines should be one sentence, about 35-45 words max, and get people excited about reading the script. (Taglines, much shorter, get audience viewers to come to your movie and are generally written by the advertising dept.) I think they kind of describe what the conflict of your story is, without telling the outcome. Make your readers want to read the script to find that out. - I've got what I think are a couple pretty good examples posted on my page if you'd like to check them out.(?) Good luck!

I think the more recent examples I see from other scripts, the better mine will get.

A robot built to save lives, triggers a nuclear conflagration.

The problem with the logline is fundamental, not technical. The story is dull. How to fix it? First, think of an angle that is fresh. For example, a brilliant but not so pretty girl and her geeky girl friends build a robot that competes with the smart geeky boy's robot for a big science prize and she gets his attention when she wins. But then complications ensue when they attract the attention of foreign agents interested in the technology ....

Another attempt: A teenage boy secretly builds one of his uncle's banned robots to prove they are not dangerous, only the robot breaks his uncle out of prison and saves the city from an out-of-control war machine.

Tony, this is better than the first version. But let me give you my best advice. You need to remember who goes to the movies. Girls go to the movies--and drag us guys with them. Where is your romance angle? You've probably got the Tom Clancy techno-stuff down pat but I don't think you have your relationships part worked out. And teenagers are busy with discovering the other sex. They're looking for us older wiser types to tell them how to make it with the opposite sex. So you need to work on that part of the script before you rush to write the logline. Best wishes. You seem to be serious about this business!

Robert -- good point, as the novel and the teen romance is already there. I guess its a matter of incorporating the teen romance angle into the logline (its in the story and the synopsis. I'll add the one sheet to documents in my profile.)

Tony A logline must present: Who the story is about (protagonist). What he strives for (goal). What stands in his way (antagonistic force). I don't see those elements present in the logline. you presented. On my first ever project I wrote about 20 loglines before I ended up combining two of them and making a perfect logline. Just keep it very simple and leave out flowery words that don't really add to the sentence. I think you're almost there!

Good advice, Jessie

Yeah Lance has it.. Create curiosity and intrigue. use power words. Short and sweet... action doesn't take much to create good logline.. It sounds like something I would Like to read. I have SyFy asking my company for scripts if you would like to take a swing.. andrew@indyoh.com

Andrew that sounds really cool. I'll pass you the current via PDF.

Here's another stabby at it This one is 51 words. It feels too long. Logline: After his uncle is wrongfully imprisoned for resisting the military's demand to turn his robots into weapons, his teenage nephew and his friends secretly build his uncle's rescue robot to prove his innocence, only the robot breaks his uncle out of prison and saves the city from an out-of-control war machine. Maybe I'm approaching this the wrong way. I'm adapting my own YA/MG (young adult/middle grade) book. The tone is lighter -- sort of like "How To Train Your Dragon," but with robots. Here's the full summary on the book's Amazon Kindle page All young Zak Corbin wants is a robot -- in a time when nearly everyone has one. But there is great fear of the Corbin name. Doctor Elias Corbin was regarded as a famous builder of robots until he unleashed an attack on a military factory. Branded a madman and a traitor, Zak's uncle was sentenced to spend the rest of his days on Penitentiary Island. When fifteen-year-old Zak tries to build a robot of his own, mostly to get the attention of pretty sophomore Lisabeth Ryan, it leads to an adventure of gigantic proportions. Zak builds one of his uncle's banned robots, which he dubs Pogo, and he quickly discovers the machine goes far beyond what ordinary robots can do. But when Zak wishes he could set his uncle free, Pogo breaks Doctor Corbin out of prison, leading to a confrontation with a secret weapon: a terrifying giant war machine. Set in a retro-futuristic era, Zak Corbin: Master of Machines is a tale of family loyalty, pursuing the things you love, and being careful about what you wish for around a robot! A 2012 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Contest semi-finalist!

I agree that Lance does the best job so far for a logline. And if the script is a clever as Lance's logline I think the next step might be to enter it into a competition and get judges' feedback. Maybe Tony will have a winner! But looking at Tony's latest version of his logline I am still convinced he needs to work on his relationships piece in the script.

Taking Lance's suggestions into account with yet another ... Logline: A teenager wins the admiration of a girl and the city when he builds a rescue robot from his uncle's forbidden plans that breaks his uncle out of prison and sets off a battle with an out-of-control war machine.

Tony, what I liked about Lance's logline suggestion was the element of conflict suggested by his comment that his girlfriend was miffed (to say the least) about Zak's plans. You need to make the complexity of love, even young love, clear in your logline and story before I suspect you will have a script teenagers will want to see.

Tony - try "tries to win the admiration of a girl" - if you use your logline to show what your character "wants" to do, instead of what he's accomplished, we will check out the script to see if he succeeds. Or fails. -- PS: I think you're very much on the right track.

Robert and Richard ... thx ... better advice still. Yes, he won't win the girl's admiration until he accomplishes it. I'm going to go brood in my batcave now ... :)

Tony needs to sharpen his focus on war which is obviously a main theme in his script.. Something like the following might help: "Over his girlfriend's objections, supergeek Zak joins with a group of other techies to build a robot from his uncle's secret plans to spring him from a Chinese prison, bringing the United States and China to the brink of war."

He needs to show what the hero wants to/is trying to accomplish, whatever that may be, and leave us wondering whether he succeeds/ fails at it. Tony, don't brood in your batcave too long! You've come a long way in a very short time. You just need to put the last tweaks on this. Then you'll be here on Stage 32 helping someone else understand what you're learning now!! You'll get it. You're doing awesome! And Robert, I'm liking your latest logline suggestion too!

Stretching as he emerges from brooding in the Batcave. Another go --- Logline: After a genius inventor is imprisoned for creating dangerous robots, his teenage nephew tries to win the admiration of a girl and his schoolmates by building a rescue robot from his uncle's forbidden plans, only the robot breaks his uncle out of prison and both the boy and his robot must save the city from an out-of-control war machine.

Pretty good! It does have a bit of extra verbiage though. If you can trim about 15 words off of it, I think it would be better. Remember: you don't necessarily have to explain everything that is going on. You just want to interest someone in reading the script. (Some stuff can remain a surprise bonus for the script reader to discover.) See if you can find some "extra" details that aren't necessarily crucial to trim out of the logline. Aim for at least 15. Or a few more if you can. But don't "gut" what you've got. You're doing good and on the right track! (One article I read suggested aiming for about 35-45 words for a logline. More than that and it starts becoming more of a synopsis.) I hope this helps! Keep plugging away!!!

It's getting better, but still a bit on the long side. Not that you can't have a longer version, but you need a short one too. The concept is very cool and commercial -- so you're way ahead of the game! I'm assuming the nephew is the protag, so the logline should focus on him. How about: A shy teenager "borrows" his imprisoned uncle's blueprints, using them to impress his schoolmates and build an awesome robot -- but it goes nuts, frees the uncle and exposes a Doomsday war machine that only the teenager can stop. Hope that gets you a bit closer. (The teenager and the robot each need a killer, one-word descriptive adjective before their first mention. The ones I used might not apply to your script.) Keep at it! Sounds like a cool story.

@Ann Kimbrough - I love your logline - I think you nailed it - provided it applies to the script.

I enjoyed Ann's logline. So here's my newest take: Logline: A nerdy teenager finds his imprisoned uncle's blueprints, hoping to impress a girl and everyone at school with an amazing rescue robot--only the robot frees the uncle, and the teen and the robot must save the city from a berserk war machine.

That's a pretty darn good logline in my opinion, Tony. Congratulations!!

Loglines are supposed to be about 30 words, your logline is 43 words, I would still suggest a bit of tightening and fine tuning. But you are getting there.

Tony, you have a very good logline here. If you wish to trim it some more, you can do as you desire. It is now your decision as to how far to take this. I just read one article that said a logline should be 35-45 words. I do not know where other people get their information from. Maybe a different article? Or from considerable more experience with Hollywood professionals than I? I couldn’t hazard a guess. But it does not matter. Hollywood is filled with rules about what you should and shouldn’t do. And many of them run counter each other. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide what advice to follow regarding loglines, scripts or anything. I’m sure many a good person in Hollywood, and in life for that matter, have lost their minds trying to realize this. Remember, if everybody followed all of Hollywood’s rules, every movie ever made would have had their inciting incident located squarely on page 17 of their scripts. But whatever you decide, have your argument ready to defend your decision because at some point you will have to. Trust your own good judgement and best wishes to you!

A little tighter and fewer words Logline: A nerdy teenager, hoping to impress a girl at school, builds a rescue robot from his imprisoned uncle's designs that not only frees his uncle but saves the city from a berserk war machine.

@PeterCorey, yes I have a finished screenplay (adapted from my own YA book) and I've been entering it in various contests like PAGE and more recently the BlueCat. The screenplay is available here in PDF under my profile's loglines section. I'm trying to improve the logline and I've been learning a great deal from the contributors here. I've also been looking at loglines from other moves and I'm finding they do vary in length, from really short to several lines.

Just to keep folks informed, I reworked the logline one last time, sent out a bunch of queries to companies and agents and actually got some interest! Here's the logline: A brilliant teenager admires his wrongfully-imprisoned uncle for refusing to turn his robots into soldiers and builds a robot that not only frees his uncle but must save the city from a berserk war machine.

Happy for you, Tony - here's hoping for the best :-)

There is nothing wrong with this log line at all. It's all in the execution

Less is more - I would trim it even further but the story sounds intriguing.

Might I suggest "A teenage boy sets off a massive military response when he builds a rescue robot and sends it to free his imprisoned uncle who invented it." Try to keep it to one sentence. You might even drop ""who invented it."

Finding his incarcerated uncle’s secret robot designs, a teenage boy builds one to rescue him, setting off a massive military response.

Shorter with more suspense and intrigue.

I have already discovered the hard way that no one logline can cover all aspects of a story . So my philosophy is to cover the primary aspect of the storyline---and let the reader learn the other details later as he reads the script.

• and create as much mystery about your script as you can to make them want to read it

Good advice from Richard. Excellent.

Here is advice from the late, great Blake Snyder (if you have never read "Save the Cat", you need to - there is also software available based on the book): On the verge of a [Stasis = Death moment], [a flawed protagonist] [Breaks Into Two]; but when the [Midpoint] happens, he/she must learn the [Theme Stated], before [All Is Lost]. That's the short version logline. Here's a longer version: On the verge of a [Stasis = Death moment], [a flawed protagonist] has a [Catalyst] and [Breaks Into Two] with the [B Story]; but when the [Midpoint] happens, he/she must learn the [Theme Stated], before [All Is Lost], to defeat (or stop) the [flawed antagonist] (from getting away with his/her plan). Blake knew what he was talking about. Every aspiring screenwriter (like yours truly) needs to read his practical and commonsense tomes. Here's another version you can use to construct a good logline, from Totally Write (now called Contour) creator Jeffrey Schechter: When a TYPE OF PERSON has/does/wants/gets A, he gets/does/tries/learns B, only to discover that C now happens and he must respond by doing D. Having a good logline that you know inside and out is SO important not only as a marketing tool but also as a check for your writing: is your screenplay fulfilling the premise of the logline? Another way to think about it is this: you only get one shot. If you found yourself in an elevator with Mr Spielberg and you only have a minute or two to interest him in your screenplay, is your logline going to do it? Test it out on people at random - seriously - in the street. Then ask them, "Would you like to see that movie?".

From Roger Ebert: "`Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot” is one of those movies so dimwitted, so utterly lacking in even the smallest morsel of redeeming value, that you stare at the screen in stunned disbelief." Confession time: I've never read Save the Cat. Not only haven't I read it, but the mere thought of reading it depresses the hell out of me. Maybe I'll never sell anything, and maybe I'll end up spending my golden years in some nursing home located underneath an interstate exit ramp, but as long as I have eyes that can read, I'm going to read good stories and other meritorious prose and poetry.

Hi Larry, that seems like a very long logline. I could be mistaken, but I thought a logline was supposed to be short, something you could pitch to a producer in an elevator. Looking forward to what others have to say. The concept is great. It is really difficult to write a logline that is brief, concise and tells the story. It takes a lot of editing and pondering what the essence of your screenplay is in few words. I suggest you read the INFO on your TV guide for movies, along with TV Guide movie loglines. All the best!

Hi Jussta. Reading the TV guide for movies is great to find out what the show is about, I agree, but not all of the copy will be a logline. Re the elevator pitch, I agree you need something short depending on the circumstance you find yourself in. Being in a more formal pitch session is something else entirely, and your logline needs to hook the listener so that they are keen to hear the rest of your pitch.

Loglines, the Blake Snyder Way: http://trnres.com/pitchandlogline.html

Gotta love Blake's pearls of wisdom, Shankar! His books are so inspiring and encouraging.

Yes, Larry. Thanks. I am doing so.