I'm not sure it's even necessary, but I've written a log line for a short narrative (10 minute max) I'll begin shooting at the end of June. I hope to use the log line in my casting call notice and perhaps via social media. I'd like to hear comments about the log line to determine whether it's effectively engaging, not enough info, etc. The log line is: "A defeated house wife gains independence from her worthless husband using ill-gotten gains."
The structure of the logline is solid and right on, but "ill-gotten gains" feels like a teaser. Maybe in conjunction with a title it would feel more complete and give a sense of a full picture. I don't mind either the vague but unambiguous term "worthless," however I think a synonym might help you establish a tone with prospective actors. For instance, this could be an over the top comedy, but I feel like maybe it isn't? Food for thought, respectfully.
Thanks for the input. I did struggle between worthless and degenerate in earlier iterations of the log line. I'd classify the short as a drama though I'm told it has a comedic moment or two. I appreciate your comments.
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Not sure what a defeated housewife is. And if her husband is worthless, I can't see why she would have difficulty leaving him. I get the feeling that defeated and worthless are not really the correct words to describe the individuals....
I can see your point Michael. I've added a couple more adjectives to see if it clarifies the concept without revealing too much story. Now I'm working with this log line: "An abused defeated house wife gains independence from her overbearing worthless husband using ill-gotten gains." Does this read better?
Actually, Zaid, if you remove defeated and worthless it reads much better. Defeated and worthless are too vague while abused and overbearing are very defined. Abused lets us know that the husband did something to the wife because you assured us the husband was overbearing and the person she sought to gain her independence from. The use of the word independence further clarifies that he was the abuser. I think the logline is quite complete as well as intriguing. It makes me want to know the "goings on" between the two of them, how she got away, what the ill-gotten gains were and where they came from. Good job.
Thank you for your comments CaSandra. After making those edits, I like the way it reads too. This is exactly why I wanted to reach out to the Stage32 community and get input. Just a few comments have influenced improvement in my log line!
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No problem, Zaid. I love Stage 32. Whatever little bit I can do to help, I'm here. This place is amazing. I couldn't believe it existed, but I'm glad it's here. Best of luck to ya! I know you'll do just fine.