Screenwriting : Giving it another go.... by Mike Norman

Hi, Mike. Loglines are my biggest weakness too. That said, I'm no expert, but the last one seems to be the best one. Both of the earlier ones confused me a bit because you mentioned Orphan teen but then mentioned disapproving parents. The last one seems to focus on the teen and his issues to fight for someone else regardless of whether they will be here or not. I can follow that and, to me, it isn't vague.

I'd go with second logline. It's clear and straight forward. The end of the first one could be interpreted as a hook-up by some people same as the third one. Oh, I'm no expert when it comes to loglines either.

Definitely the second logline in my opinion.

I like the second one also. I just wondering if the concept is coming through clear enough on the logline? I'm always struggling with loglines myself but one thing I look for in a logline is whether or not I would watch this movie based on the logline. Also a terminally ill girl to me sounds like a very sad ending. Are you giving away too much here? Just some thoughts.

Erica, don't worry about clear concept in loglines. Some blockbusters have loglines so simple, that makes you wonder why would anyone even request this script. As for giving away too much part, no I don't think that's a bad thing. How this story starts, what happens in the story is what matters. That's just my opinion, not the rule.

Second one is good, I;d just punch it up more to show the urgency. How long does the girl have?

Awesome: an "orphaned" teen is distrustful by definition...maybe lose the "untrusting" adjective...Otherwise, I think this one is good: "An orphaned teen struggles to overcome his lifelong fear of abandonment to fight for the love of his life - knowing she may not be around for long."

Thanks for all of the feedback. Here is a short synopsis of the story. After being abandoned at birth and bouncing around the foster care system, Clayton learns never to trust or become attached to anyone or anything, until he meets Summer. Popular and from a privileged background, Summer becomes drawn to the mysterious and reclusive, Clayton. Summer, suffering from a heart condition and over protective parents struggles to search for meaning in her life. She befriends and gains the trust of Clayton and convinces him to search for his birth mother. The two setout on the adventure together where Clayton finally learns to trust and love for the first time in his life when he learns the severity of her illness. I really want the focus to be on him, their adventure, and the irony that he is willing to overcome the fact that everyone in his life has left him for a girl that he knows could die.

I'm no produced writer but this sounds like something good in Drama category. I hope some manager or producer will see it soon. Keep writing Mike.

I love drama; this sounds producible.

Thanks again for the input. The feedback from my first draft was that it was more like a cheesy Lifetime movie. That's why I shelved to and needed to walk away from it. I know there is a good story there. Structure just needs some work. I'm hoping coming up with a solid lifeline will help me keep the focus of the story in the right direction.