I finally got the third draft done on my first ever action feature, When We All fall Down. So, here are the first ten pages if anyone wants to take a quick look. Thanks to @Dan Maxx I got a logline some time ago for it. LOG LINE: Female security guards at an NFL football stadium are ruthlessly coerced to help a terrorist plot to blow up the stadium on game day. Synopsis: Three young men, Damon, Lamar, and Alejandro, along with the help of corrupt stadium personnel, plan to pull off one of the biggest terrorist acts set on U. S. soil. They've been planning this act for over two years, gaining the trust of Nora, Shaina, and Kylie, female security guards at the stadium. Will the women follow along with the plan and save the lives of their families or will they help to bring down the terrorists before thousands lose their lives? FADE IN: INT. DIM LIGHT ROOM - DAY Video news clippings show on laptop screen: Fertilizer Plant Explosion Near Waco, Texas. Jacksonville, Florida: a pipe bomb explodes while approximately 60 Muslims are praying in the mosque. The attack causes no injuries. Two packages are found on separate cargo planes. Each package contains a bomb consisting of 300 to 400 grams (11-14 oz) of plastic explosives and a detonating mechanism. Spokane, Washington: a pipe bomb is discovered along the route of the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial March, no injuries. A Malaysia Airlines Boeing 777 crashes in eastern Ukraine near the Russian border, killing all 298 passengers and crew members. Clippings end, reflection of man’s evil smile on the laptop screen. Screen goes black. SUPER: Bombs bursting, buildings collapsing, people screaming, rushing around. WHEN WE FALL DOWN CUT TO: EXT. MAIN PARKING LOT OUTSIDE AN EMPTY FOOTBALL STADIUM - EVENING The sun sets on the horizon FOUR MEN stand motionless, stare at the stadium. Three are dressed in black dress attire while the other is suited in a certified stadium personnel uniform. A large brown envelope is passed to the employee. He looks inside the envelope, nods. Man in uniform walks away from the group, up to the stadium entrance. He turns around, looks at the three men, face is blurred, walks inside. The three men walk over to a high-end SUV parked in the lot, drive away. INT. SMALL APARTMENT - DAY SHAINA, (20s), petite, African American woman, rushes about picking up thrown baby toys from the floor. Her MOTHER, (40s), holds ISIAH, toddler, on her knee. SHAINA I have everything ready for Isiah's dinner. Pats the microwave. SHAINA (CONT’D) I might be late, it depends on how traffic is after the game lets out. Gives little boy and momma each a kiss on the cheek. MOTHER I don’t know why you go and get yourself another job. You got yourself a baby boy right here. Ruffles the curls on the top of Isiah’s head. MOTHER (CONT’D) We be doin okay. You need more time with your boy. SHAINA No, we’re not. I want better for Isiah. This is only a part time job, I’m lucky if I get a few hours a week. Gives Isiah one last kiss on the cheek. SHAINA (CONT’D) He’s got his Grammy, so I know he’s safe and in good hands. Looks at clock on the wall. SHAINA (CONT’D) I gotta get going. Love you. Walks out, shuts the front door. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY NORA, Caucasian, (30s), kicks a soda can out of way. DEVON (13), SKYLAR (16), NIX (19), sit on the sofa, play video games. NORA I want all this mess picked up before I get back. Motions to soda cans and candy wrappers on the table and floor. Boys don’t answer. NORA (CONT’D) Did you hear me? Stands in front of the TV. Boys groan, try to look around her. NIX Mom, move we can’t see. Stands, moves to get better view of TV. SKYLAR We get it, clean up. Nora moves, walks to the door. NORA I have to go to work. The boys nod. NORA (CONT’D) Hopefully, the game doesn’t last all night. Opens the door. NORA (CONT’D) Devon, make sure you get your homework done. Boys don’t pay attention, busy with their game. Nora walks out. CUT TO: INT. RUN-DOWN ONE ROOM HOUSE - DAY KYLIE, 20, ties her hair up into a ponytail, grabs badge off the table. STEVE, 30s, half-full beer case and cigarettes on table, grabs her hand before she walks away. STEVE You have until nine to get back. KYLIE Traffic is always bad after a game. Voice trembles, doesn’t make eye contact. STEVE I guess you better figure a way around it. Lets go of her hand, grabs can, chugs it, crumbles and tosses. Kylie moves towards the door. Steve points to the clock. STEVE (CONT’D) Nine. Kylie nods, walks out. CUT TO: INT. FAMILY ROOM - DAY SARAH, (30s), soccer mom, slips on her black oxfords. Looks through her clutch bag as JONATHAN, (30s), BRENDAN and BAILEY (elementary school age), watch from the sofa. JONATHAN Honey, it’s right there. Points to the security badge on the coffee table. Sarah shakes her head, picks it up. Jonathan walks Sarah to the door. JONATHAN (CONT’D) You know you don’t have to work this job, the business will pick up. Pulls her into a hug. SARAH I really like it. I spoke with the ladies that I worked with last season and they’re going to be there. Jonathan backs up. Gives Sarah a smile. JONATHAN You go fight that stadium crowd. Be careful. Gives her a kiss. BRENDAN AND BAILEY Bye, mommy. Both wave. SARAH I’ll see you in the morning. Love you. Blows them a kiss. One last kiss for Jonathan. Sarah leaves. CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM MAIN ENTRANCE - DAY Crowds of FOOTBALL FANS roam around. STADIUM PERSONNEL at work assignment positions. Nora pushes through the crowd, hooks her badge to her shirt. Rushes to the time clock, scans through the names, grabs her ticket, punches in for work. SARAH Running late again. Bumps into Nora. Nora turns gives her small hug. NORA I don’t know what’s worse traffic before or after the game. Sarah nods. SARAH There’s Shaina and Kylie. Points to the two ladies walking towards them. NORA Hey, ladies. Long time no see. Gives both ladies a hug. SHAINA It is so crowded today. Has anyone seen our favorite guests? Looks back at the long lines of people. NORA Are we looking for someone in particular? Winks. SHAINA Uh... um... Nope just seeing if the regulars are here. The other three ladies chuckle. Shaina shakes her head. SHAINA (CONT’D) We better get to work. Moves towards the lines of fans. The other three follow. CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM ENTRANCE - AFTERNOON Long lines of FANS wait. Shaina, Kylie, Nora, and Sarah stand in position for security checks. The ladies check bags as patrons come through. Nora nudges Shaina, nods to the line. LAMAR, ALEJANDRO, and DAMON, (mid-20s), stand in line. Eyes are on the ladies. The men get patted by male security, then walk over to the women. LAMAR How are you beautiful ladies doing this afternoon? He looks at Shaina, she smiles, blushes, and looks away. NORA It’s good to see you gentlemen again. Are you here all season again? Checks a bag for a fan, waves them through. DAMON Will we get you ladies to come get a drink with us after a game this season? SARAH I’m married, but I’m sure the other ladies would love to go, right Kylie. Nudges the petite, shy girl. Kylie looks scared. KYLIE I... um... I usually have to get back early. Voice is soft. She glances at Alejandro, looks away when he smiles. The crowd thickens around the ladies, bags pile up, fans are restless. Damon puts his hand on Nora’s back. DAMON We’ll let you ladies get back to work. See you after the game. Winks at her, walks away. The others follow. Sarah leans over close to Nora. SARAH Looks like you might get to play a Mrs. Robinson. Giggles, goes back to checking bags. CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT Nora, Sarah, Kylie, and Shaina walk back to their vehicles. ROWDY FOOTBALL FANS roam around. The parking lot is emptying out. Damon, Alejandro, and Lamar wait by an SUV in priority parking. Watches the crowd go past. Damon nudges Lamar when the women get into view. Shaina notices the men, little wave to Lamar, he walks over. LAMAR You ladies up for that drink tonight? Flirtatious smile at Shaina. SARAH I have to get home. NORA C’mon, Sarah. Let’s make it coffee and we’ll all go. Sarah’s hesitant, but nods. NORA (CONT’D) Are you coming, Kylie. Glances at the quiet girl of the group. Kylie shakes her head. KYLIE I have to get home. Whispery tone. Alejandro’s eyes are fixed on Kylie. ALEJANDRO C’mon, Kylie. I’ll buy. Kylie looks at her cell phone, time is 7:30. KYLIE Okay, just one, then I really have to leave. Alejandro gets a big smile. DAMON Follow us ladies. Guys move to get into SUV. Women go to their own vehicles. CUT TO: INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT The four women and three men sit around a table, drink coffee, talk, and laugh. CUT TO: INT. INSIDE ESCALADE - NIGHT Alejandro, Damon, Lamar, sit with AHMED(20s) he wears a stadium employee uniform. AHMED Are we doing this? Anxious, eyes dart among the three men. The other three look at each other, nod. DAMON It’s a go this time. Ahmed exits vehicle. CUT TO: INT. NORA’S HOUSE - NIGHT Nora enters, boys are still playing. She gives them a dirty glance, starts picking up their mess. CUT TO: INT. SARAH’S HOUSE - NIGHT Sarah finds her husband watching TV, both children are curled up next to him asleep. She tiptoes in, kisses his cheek, sits down with family. CUT TO: INT. SHAINA’S HOUSE - NIGHT Mother sits at table reading a book, Isiah is asleep tucked up tightly on the sofa. Shaina smiles at the baby, kisses tenderly on the cheek, does the same to mother, walks out of room. CUT TO: INT. KYLIE’S HOUSE - NIGHT Kylie slowly opens the front door, walks in. Steve sits at the table, lines of empty beer cans in front of him. He glances at the clock, it reads 9:02. Motions with finger for Kylie to come over. She does ever so slowly. Steve stands in front of her. STEVE You’re two minutes late. Kylie’s eyes shift away from his glare. The sound of fist hitting and a loud scream echo through the room. CUT TO: INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT Alejandro, Lamar, Ahmed and THREE OTHER MEN stand around a large table. They work on small devices, electrical components, watch parts, and slender fuse box containers line the table. Damon walks in, he’s on his cell phone. Men stop, watch Damon. DAMON We will, it’s a definite this time. Hangs up, puts phone on the table. Men stare, question with eyes. DAMON (CONT’D) The stuff will be here next week. We have one month to prepare and execute... that’s it. AHMED I don’t know if I can get it ready in time. Damon walks over to Ahmed, roughly puts arm around his shoulder. DAMON You WILL get it done in time. We can’t wait any longer. We would hate to see something happen to that beautiful wife and baby. Slaps Ahmed on the back, walks away. Ahmed looks shaken. The men get back to work
Your Stage : My first action film by Izzibella Beau
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woohoo! Congrats, Izzy! Thank you for the recommend. Soon, Im gonna be a guru and charge$$$ :) Anyways, l luv action films! I could watch Chow Yun-Fat shoot bad guys all day with .45s! Who cares if he fires 100-rounds without reloading handguns? It's the genre. Some action films can cheat "reality". Like Donnie Yen beating up 50 bad guys in a room. It's all about the 'world' you want to build. I looked over your script and I think your tone is more serious than a Chow Yun-Fat movie. You're in the Jack Ryan movie world- "Sum of All Fears", "Shadow Recruit" - serious tone action genre. IMO, the problem with your script Opening is the major characters are all the same and they're doing the same thing. Repetitive scene (s) action and exposition/backstory dialogue. You have (4) women all leaving the house. Talking to family. Dropping backstory dialogue. I'd suggest break it up visually. Maybe one woman is on the way to work (driving). Another woman is already at the Stadium. And the other Woman is running late arguing with hubby. And they're all Ushers? I would like to see a gal who's a Cop at the stadium. Or some other job occupation at the stadium. The 1st DAY back at work goes by too quickly. There is no set up and "too much backstory". I think it's less than a page and game day is over? Probably need to set up the bad guys at the stadium doing shady work/research. What do these women do as Ushers? I didn't see them walking around during the game. Maybe you can reveal their characters at work talking to each other. Build the "world" inside a football stadium. Even the "date" scene after the game is short. Reads choppy. Chopping meaning undeveloped sequence. Maybe combine the bad guys scenes together so it flows. For example, you can start with the video of explosions. Cut to the bad guys planning. Then cut to them at the stadium scoping. The football game already started. ONE SEQUENCE tied together. I think you have too many women/major characters. I'd delete 2. 2 women lead characters- the HERO and SIDEKICK. Start the story developed. meaning make one of the woman already romantically involved with the bad guy. Cut down the "STORY TIME". It feels the story drags for the entire season? Im guessing so because the story starts at the 1st game of the new football year and it's a first date with bad guy and woman? also, what's so special about this football stadium? Is the President coming? Hosting Super Bowl? I need something to be invested- suspense. Bill Martell has a great book "How to write Action Movies". I read it in between my rewrites. I hope my feedback helps. It's all subjective. Ask other Readers and change/delete what you think it is right. It's your story. The only person that matters is the person who PAYS. Good luck!
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@Dan...thank you so much for the feedback. I would definitely be in line to pay if you offered a service for log lines. I follow a few people her on S32 and read most of their postings and what suggestions they have for everyone...you're included in that bunch...I think you have the wisdom and knowledge to help those of us just starting out. I like how you give it to everyone straight up and don't sugar coat anything...that's the best way to take on this industry. I introduced the families of the females first because they do have a part in the story...not a huge part, but one that questions whether or not a security guard would pick family over strangers. Eventually, it does come down to two women....the third sides with the enemy, and the fourth gets killed along with her family by the terrorists, just to make a point that they mean business. The women do get romantically involved with the men before they know what they actually do for a living....they've seen them for the past two seasons, which is mentioned later on in the scrip, but finally took the plunge to accept a date. There's no real significance for this particular stadium...no president visit or such, that would cause too much attention and have bomb sniffing dogs... as the main villain says "why does there always have to be a reason? Why does everyone assume it's political, cultural, or racial..why can't it be just for the thrill." The ending does have the satium blow up (yes, the two female security guards chose to keep their families safe opposed to letting anyone know about the bombs going to be set off while the stadium is packed. AND yes the terrorists get away and set their sights on a new place, a soccer stadium in Barcelona). Anyways, like always I will listen to what you've said and make the adjustments to where I feel the script could become better with what you've suggested. If ay time you'd like to read the entire script (95 pages) let me know or if you know of anyone else who likes action scripts. THANK YOU once again!!!
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Congrats Izzy!
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What a concept! I like your first 10 pgs. This takes some of the fun out of going to games, you know?
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Sorry I didn't get to read the first ten pages but I do have a bit of advise on the synopsis. If your security guards are the lead characters then you should introduce them first, not the villains of the piece. We also don't care about whether they will success at their goal, we care about whether the women can stop them. A quick reversal should do to the trick.
Sure Izzy email to danmaxnyc@gmail.com
Dan, THANK YOU!! I sent it to the given email...it will come from my gmail (izzibellabeau16)
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Thank you, Angel. I never thought of the switch of character leads...makes sense.
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@Roxanne, thank you for reading. I know most will look at it and go...hmmm...wonder if that could happen...and I'm not trying to scare people out of going to a game. or the NFL to think I'm coming down on them...BUT. this is a possibility that could happen....I worked security for NFL and concerts some years ago...and I've seen how lazy security, patdowns, and bag checks can be...every game doesn't have bomb snffing dogs, they may run them through early in the morning, but they don't stay and check out patrons coming through unless it's a playoff game or superbowl...you know when the celebrities are there...the whole premise behind having this take place at a professional game is would a couple of female guards save their families lives or the lives of fifty thousand people. If they tell anyone then the terrorists will kill their families... I don't know what I would do, probably what these women did at the end...
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Izzy Got it. I'll check out in-between football playoffs games this weekend! BOOM!! Look out for 3 suspicious dudes! :)
LOL, wow someone that can make me laugh. Dan, take your time, I'm never in any rush.
Izzi - you are right, the security is nearly impossible. Go Packers!
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Hi Izzibella, I read the first ten pages and even though I’m not usually an action movie watcher (I get stressed too easily…lol) I must say you have me hooked. I like your style of writing. Fast paced and vivid. I could easily picture each character, and I think the names of the guy characters draw good images as well. I do agree with Dan though in regard to changing up the family scenes a bit in the beginning. For example, like he said, Nora could be driving to work (which could also demonstrate the traffic) and on the phone with one of her sons, reminding her teenagers to pick up the mess, then cut to them with her on speaker phone, playing games and absently nodding or something like that. And if Shaina is already at work, someone could casually ask how’s her toddler and mama doing, and Shaina could reply in a way that implies she’s grateful for her mother’s help but is having a hard time convincing her as to why she’s working the second job. In regard to Kylie. I understand that she is an abused wife, but if that were the case, would she take any risk of being late? Or is that the point you are trying to make….that she will defy her husband, regardless of his behavior? Her shy personality didn’t give me that impression. If that's not the point, then maybe it would work better if the traffic actually did make her late, and then the audience would sympathize with her more. These were just a few things that caught my attention. But I will say that you do have me curious as to how this is going to play out and if you’d like another reader, I’d be happy to do so. Even though I have no experience in the action genre, I can sometimes spot subtle red flags that are overlooked by others. And….I can tell you if it totally stressed me out and then you will know you are on the right track. Just kidding….well…maybe not. lol Oh...and I LOVE the title!
Linda, thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. I'm not a huge action person either, I get tired of the same old situations, super heroes, and the good guys or girls always winning. I like something that would leave me or the audience going WTF i ever saw that happening.... I like yours and Dan's suggestions. i just have to incorporate them into what I already have. It's hard knowing what's missing, what needs to be taken away and/or changed when I'm the only reader. if you have the time, I would love for you to read it and let me know what catches your eye of being way out there or needs to be changed. I'm always open to suggestions and never take anything the wrong way. Please PM me your email and I will send over a PDF file. I was thinking of changing the title, but hey if you think it's catchy I may stick with it
Izzibella, I'd be happy to. But, I did want to mention that last night when I went to your page and tried to check out your other loglines, instead of pulling them up and listing them, they kept trying to download onto my computer. It happened twice. So I don't know if it is a S32 glitch that needs to be addressed, or my computer acting squirrelly or something in regard to your loglines.
Wow! So far I'm on page 65 and am totally stressed. And in a good curiosity is killing the cat kind of way. lol If I weren't critiquing and was watching it on a DVD instead, I would be fast forwarding to see how this ends! Lots of suspense going on here. Did I mention that if a book or movie is too suspenseful I always go to the ending before I finish it? But,....since I am critiquing....I will read it through....and try not to cheat. Though not easy at this point. :-)
Congrats Izzy! Let me know if there is a part for me in the film..