I'm looking for beta readers of my manuscript and in particular the first scene which is only a couple of hundred words. I could post it here and allow anyone to pipe in.
There's profanity in it and it's about a mature subject. I don't want to break any Lounge rules!
What do you think?
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Go for it!
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CONFORTE: PORTRAIT OF AMERICA'S BIGGEST LITTLE CRIMINAL
1. Who Spilled the Beans?
November 6, 1974, Highway 395 south of Gardnerville, Nevada
He raced his car toward the mountains in the distance, with one hand on the steering wheel, the other hand clenching a cigar, smoke flowing out the open windows. The peaks were white, and he wished he could stand on top of the tallest one, extend a middle finger at the sky, and shout, “To all the cops and DAs and pencil pushin’ prosecutors who thought you could bring me down, fuck you! I came from nothing, no education, and I’m smarter than all of you put together.”
Joseph Conforte, Godfather to legal prostitution, flicked the ashes off his cigar, put it in his mouth at a jaunty angle, and laughed out loud at the sheer joy of having beaten the odds. Him, a no-account Sicilian paesano who’d been hustling his ass off since he was thirteen, who’d been tossed in and out of jail for two-bit charges and had spent years in prison for tax evasion was now on his way to fulfill his dream of being a gaming mogul, another Bill Harrah, and get his name on the side of a casino in huge letters, then no one would confuse J.C. with being a low-life pimp again.
“Dear Lord, do the casino-hotel deal for me and I’ll leave prostitution once and for all. I swear it on my mother’s grave.”
He wore a gray three-piece pinstripe suit and paisley tie, a diamond-encrusted gold watch, rings on both hands and one on his pinky. His black hair was greased back, accentuating his high, sloping forehead. His mustache was thin. The pinky ring, he felt, was the added flair to make the right impression in his meeting.
He passed signs: “Slow Curve,” “Slippery when Wet,” and a picture of a leaping deer, and pushed his foot into the gas pedal, in a hurry to get his name in lights.1 person likes this
Well, the opening paragraph feels very cinematic, The following two seem a little bit passive, in my opinion. Maybe trimming it a bit would help but it seems like it slows a bit when giving backstory... maybe just need to find better ways to insert that then him reminiscing.
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(I wrote this quickly. Please forgive any errors)
I suggest:- You add conflict by giving him something to do. Maybe he messes with the radio while trying to drive (maybe he is looking for a news report of his trial on the radio, which we hear and get some backstory from, and he reacts to it showing is thinking/personality), then maybe his lit cigar falls and he tries to pick it up without stopping. The latter causes him to fly by street signs without noticing, which could be used to build tension.
- Re-write the dialogue to give it a paisano flair. I would make the dialog more punchy by using shorter sentences, which are indicative of someone of poor education. Drop in a paisano slang or two for verisimilitude.
- Take more time to set up the mood of the story, incorporating the date and location into that setup.
- Show the type of car someone like him drives?
I like to milk my beats as much as possible. Quick example:
He wore a gray three-piece pinstripe suit and paisley tie, a gift from his former mistress, Francesca. His diamond-encrusted gold watch was a gift from himself, which he purchased to make himself feel better after shoving Francesca off a balcony. That cheating whore.
Aaron: Thank you for your comments. Very helpful. I've re-written that scene innumerable times. I could have begun the story a hundred different ways, but I chose Joe driving to Palm Springs. And that could change, in part because it's not completely accurate. He flew to Vegas and drove from there with his bodyguard. But that's too much information at once and begins in S. Nevada or California and that's confusing. But there's something here of great value, a one-on-one with the reader that sets up his psyche to a degree and his immediate challenge to get that casino-hotel deal. Cinematic, yes, and that's by design. His thoughts are nice, but we want to hear them. We want to see him in action. Backstory could be omitted or moved to the next scene, maybe. I'll think about it. Thanks again. :)
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Trevor: That's very clever. I don't know the story behind each piece of jewelry. I don't know what car he was driving. This is historical and biographical and I have a duty to not deviate too far from fact and the lack thereof. And I do stretch fact quite bit in this scene but it only affects my credibility, not the story. I've created a literary vehicle to get the reader into Joe's head and get them to turn the page or head straight to the cashier in the book store, or ecart online. That's it. If I can do that I will have accomplished my goal here. I purposely don't linger or digress into non-essentials as I see it. This book is THE PORTRAIT OF... and as such I give you snapshots in time. By the end you will have a full picture. I've thought about the radio. Joe would be blaring FIGARO from LA VERDE or some other Italian opera. A news segment is more cumbersome than you know. And yet, you make a great suggestion by using the jewelry to introduce the backstory or something akin to that. Let me think about it. I like your suggestions! Thanks.
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I thought it was fiction.
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I might add some violent flashbacks he thinks about of episodes in prison or crimes he committed after he shouts out the window
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Awesome! He has strong opinions about prison and 'lifers' but those thoughts come at the end of the book. But it may work well to bracket the book with such thoughts because at the end of the book he's looking at 5 years in federal prison for tax evasion and jumps bail and becomes fugitive for three years.
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Daisy: Thanks, it is narrative nonfiction. The character of Joseph Conforte is a bit over-the-top in real life. He's odd and unique and not what you might expect from the leader of the legal prostitution movement. So, passing road signs leaves you flat? It's a keen observation you make. And I agree. Maybe I'll try some different things and see what sticks. This scene has been a daunting challenge because of all that could be said, but isn't. All I want to do is get you into Joe's head because the next scene he meets Johnny "Keys" Simone of the Angelo Bruno crime family about the casino-hotel and it's a good meeting. But then. . . .