I have a couple of bones to pick with this coverage. Overall, it's good, but I feel very strongly that readers interject too much personal opinion into their feedback.
Script Title: Survival of the SparrowsCategory: Drama Feature Screenplay
Comments: "Survival of the Sparrows" is an epic, almost biblical, story of surviving and overcoming an invasion of a foreign military. Even at 124 pages, the scenes and the story overall move along at a fairly quick and exciting pace. Obvious similarities can be made to the 1984 and 2012 versions of "Red Dawn," but the story does take steps to make it feel unique. The usage of 21-century technology helps with this. Although ultimately hypothetical, some of the plot-points didn't ring true. A coalition of Russian, North Korean, and Middle Eastern countries, which understandably would be needed to defeat the U.S. militarily, doesn't seem plausible. There is also one small anachronism: the Russians are called "Soviets," a Cold War-era term, in a story that takes place in the present...Dialogue became an issue throughout, particularly with Winston. He's a highly educated Army veteran, but speaks like a deep-south sharecropper from the early 1900s. Yes, he's in his 70s, living in rural Georgia, but it didn't feel appropriate for his character...Also regarding Winston's age, he felt more like a man in his 40s than 70s: He and May have sex scenes in the shower, he goes on many dangerous missions alone, and has the ability to fight and overcome enemy soldiers half his age, etc. I think sheer will-power only goes so far with a character before it starts to hurt credulity...The biggest issue overall in the script became the tone. As America is under attack and cities are being destroyed, Winston and the other folks in his town appear to be living life normally, even with the specter of an upcoming attack on them. Then once that assault occurs, the dialogue of Winston, May, and other characters, doesn't seem to fit; it's too casual and nonchalant. Levity is fine, especially with a story of this nature, it just gave it more of a comedic feel in a war story with rape and mass executions.
I intentionally let the narrator use the word soviet once. He's in his 70s, so he remembers the cold war. Regardless, I can change that one instance. Highly-educated black southern gentlemen originally from Jamaica have to speak more white? I call bullshit. The reader made no mention of the white southern gentleman who speaks the same way. And people in their 70s can't have sex and be in good shape? My gripe is this: unless you party with Hollywood producers, these people are blocking potential. Even if the reader was technically correct, what happened to development?
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Without reading your script, it's difficult to determine the accuracy of the AFF reader's observations; and even then, it's still highly subjective. Though contest feedback can be fun and even valuable, you don't know who the reader is and it should be taken with a grain. I just had a reader gush over my script and I'm still taking it with a grain. But you can use the positive remarks to promote your work.
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Assistants and readers are gate keepers. As far as development goes, it's gone. The onus is on the writer to deliver a script that is as camera ready (i.e. very, very little development required) as possible. Creative execs do not have time to develop anymore or their company won't be able to keep up with the competition (other studios) and they will be left behind. When I was at the studios it was simple: read the script and either it was good and pushed through for further consideration or it failed right there. It's no wonder studios get 40K submissions a year (scripts, treatments, books, pitches) and pass on all but 400. Even then that number is reduced further on what actually is optioned, bought and makes it to production.
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If he offered to option your script contingent on you appeasing his gripes, would you?
Yes, of course! That's my gripe. This film/story has legs. BTW, you can read it, I think, on my page. New to Stage32.
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If what you described gets under your skin, wait until you get 20 of them in a single day as a paid screenwriter. Everyone from the director to the line producer to the guy who has three lines in scene 18 will have an opinion, all of which fall somewhere on the scale of “they just don’t get it.” Your job as a screenwriter is to accept and consolidate all of them, or at least as many as you can, knowing the next day brings a new round of “suggestions.” Part of staying the course is learning to accept this as a facet of the job and knowing your story and characters so well you could make almost any change and it would not alter what the story is ultimately about. That last bit is probably the hardest.
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I haven't read your script (no intention to either) so I really can't comment specifically on the script or the reader's comments. But it sounds to me like this is a BIG budget film - with all its invading armies and blowing up cities & such. I don't know the reader's age but it reads like he's given you some valid observations (I'm over 70 and the last sex scene in the shower I remember was a good 40 years ago). He's pointing out things that could improve the story and thus make the script more marketable. Are you the type of writer that's easy to work with... or not?
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All humans bring themselves into comments especially in art. If they had a checklist of things then it wouldn’t be art it would be engineering.
Look for the note under the note. What is making them feel that way. What is their motivation for their comments.
Remember it is your job as a writer to manipulate the feels and understand of the reader to deliver the desired outcome from your story.
Is there changes that can be made to steer the reader in the right direction?
All excellent, thoughtful comments. Thank you. I think that something I struggle with is reconciling a screenplay reader's comments with reviews on Amazon and Goodreads. I am primarily a novelist.
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I understand the points that the commenter made and I understand THIS one fact to remain true: writing is an art/writing is subjective. There is a producer that will love to produce your film just as it is. Best example that I can give for the worst yet extremely popular film is Sharknado. How can such a shitty film ever be made? Yet, they made multiple films and a profit. Take each comment with a grain of salt and if you feel the need to make changes, change them or don't. You're the artists, you decide!
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Hi Pete: I really like the comments I've gotten, but some readers are better than others. I guess you have to find the reader that speaks to you?
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I think there's potentially a lot of valid points there ... what has your feedback circle said? Have you gone to reddit or talentville for people to take a look at?
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My feedback circle mainly consists of the 25k people who have purchased my books. Therefore, I prefer "real" readers, like one of the many reviews I've received on Goodreads (below). These people go to movies. Stream. Buy books. It's long, but it's typical of the feedback I've been receiving.
Imagine, for a moment, an America that has turned inward, disrespected and disregarded the wishes and feelings of the rest of the world (not too hard to do in these times really). This is the premise of Pete Conrad’s novel Survival of the Sparrows. A coalition of forces from Russia, North Korea and the Middle East has invaded the American homeland and is pushing on with its plan to rule the USA. In rural Johnsonville, Georgia, May and Winston Sparrow a middle-aged African-American couple are worried the invading forces will pass through their small town on their way to take Atlanta. Winston has constructed a false wall in his barn where he and May will hide out until they invading army has passed through. Things don’t go quite to plan for the couple, though and they are caught, trapped in their wall space as the Generals make their small holding, their Southern headquarters.
Survival of the Sparrows was a chillingly frightening reminder of just how fragile our world order and peace truly is. Given the current situation in America and the rest of the world, the scenario painted by Pete Conrad is not too far-fetched at all. This book was a fantastic read, with Winston and May lurching from one crisis to another. Fast-paced, with just the right amount of stereotyping and violence, tempered by the true spirit of human kindness and understanding, this is a very enjoyable book. The two main characters May and Winston and their travails, trapped inside their tiny wall space, were incredibly easy to identify with and I particularly enjoyed the good ole Southern accent and slang in the dialogue. Intentionally, or not, Conrad has hit upon a realistic scenario that was both believable and riveting to read. I truly couldn’t put the book down, even when I knew I should be doing other things. That is probably the best tribute I can give to author Conrad. A real bottler of a read!
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Without having read your script, there is only so much I can either agree/disagree with. One thing that I agree with in the critique is the age of the gentleman. My dad is 72 and in great shape for a man his age. However, aging does present a lot of limitations to what he can physically do. Again, I haven't read your work, so I have nothing to go on other than what was presented here.
The premise sounds amazing though. You're an experienced writer. If there is something you can take from the garbage you get, I wouldn't call it a complete loss.
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Hi Tess. Some of the story is set in Savannah. In fact, I named my daughter Savanah (yes, one N).