Hi I just got on Stage 32 for the first time. I got introduced by a writing course I'm taking. I'm very happy I found this site to meet everyone interested in the same things. I wanted to post My logline here to my half finished script. I would love honest feedback on if the concept and logline is good. Thank you for your help!
Logline:
A marine veteran gets cursed by a book that brings everyone he killed back to life to kill him. He needs to figure out how to break the curse before it breaks him.
How about "Death is not something new to a marine core veteran. Now he must break a curse that's bringing all the people he killed in combat back to life looking for revenge." Just a suggestion.
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Marine Corp...
After a curse is placed on him, a Marine veteran battles to stay alive when all the enemy combatants he ever killed return from the dead seeking savage revenge.
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Welcome, Enoch.
E Langley. Nailed it!
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That's a really cool premise! Is the marine conflicted by all these people he's killed, or is it a more straight-forward action film where he's gunning everyone down again?
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Too much breaking, use different phrases...also it would help if someone he cares about is at stake or his family...this sounds too much like the story is all bout him...
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Bill, thats not a logline. The major question here is -- is this marine a GOOD guy that killed bad guys trying to kill him? or is this Marine a bad guy who killed innocent people or covered up something he wasnt supposed to do?? Because thats 2 verrry different types of stories and arcs..
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Concept good, logline bad. But finish the screenplay first. Cart before the horse writing is just fantasy. execution of the premise (why u writing this story) is craft.
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Here's a basic logline structure guide you could use.
The setting + main character/s + action + antagonist + stakes.EX: In Alabama + a former police officer + seeks revenge + against the druglord + who kidnapped his daughter.
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Thanks, Bill.
Thank you guys for all the comments and suggestions! It really helped, I'll definitely revise the logline and post it here.
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Welcome, Enoch. Great to meet you.
How about: "After a marine veteran gets cursed by a book that brings everyone he killed back to life, he tries to figure out how to break the curse before they kill him."
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Mark McKee This is an amazing logline.
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This is the final logline I'm posting for this script until I finish the script. Then I'll update it. Thank you everyone for your feedback.
Logline:
Not knowing who or what is real, a marine veteran seeks to break an ancient curse a book gave him that brings people he killed, intentionally or not, back from the dead before it kills him and his family.