I'm working on a feature. This logline is a work in progress:
Three slightly less-than-upstanding bar owners try to uncover the shady business their nephew has gotten into and get him out of it before it’s too late.
Thoughts?
Screenwriting : Logline for first feature by Eric L. Williams
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2 people like this
Hi Eric. It's a bit bland and vague for me. How about just " three less-than-upstanding bar owners" or " three dive bar owners" investigate their shady nephew and then give me higher stakes. Before he's crippled by the mob? Before his hands get cut off. See what I mean and where I'm going. Hope that helped.
Three less-than-upstanding bar owners uncover the shady business their nephew has gotten into. In order to_______________________, they try to save him before its too late.
1 person likes this
Confusing. Whats the shady business- tell us. Also are the bar owners all brothers? Who's kid is the nephew, sister of a bartender? Everyone is shady, whats so different or dangerous threat by nephew?
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Is the number necessary? Unscrupulous family bar owners uncover illicit dealings by their wayward nephew and try to stop him before their dynasty is obliterated.
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You’ve buried the story. You have just stated the conflict not the story.
Some quick questions. How does them being bar owners impact the story.
Three men venture into the criminal underworld to get their nephew out of ……… but ……. forcing them to ………
In the struggle for survival and power three less-than-upstanding bar own are face with the consequence of losing their bar or nephew if they don’t work together and fast enough to protect all they have when they uncover the shady business their nephew has gotten into before its too late.
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Gotta sense many spec newbies wanna hide a plot within a logline, thinking "I'm gonna get them say wow when they read the script"...but If no one says wow to a logline there ain't gonna be any script request in the first place...
1 person likes this
Hi Eric L. Williams . So much great advice here, and all you should consider. From my personal experience with log lines, which I happen to love doing, I'd say sometimes less is more, but I'd add some more detail to yours. Tease the audience with details without giving too much away. The way I do it, is to look on the Sky box planner. I tend to flick looking for things to watch, and I'm guided by the blurbs. If they sound good, I'll watch. If not, I'll carry on scrolling, and it gives me a good indicator of how it would look when/if it's made. I like to picture my work on screen like that. Sounding great though, good luck with it!