Hello, I was wondering if anyone here is interesting in swapping scripts for review? I wrote a 19-page Dark Comedy / Crime short. I am interested in reviewing any genre and any length, though scripts that are 60+ pages will take me extra time to review.
Title: Lords and Ladies
Format: Short
Page length: 19
Genre: Black Comedy, Crime
Logline: A pair of semi-competent bank employees get embroiled in small-town mafia shenanigans in this black comedic crime short.
Feedback: This is my first stab at writing a screenplay based on an unfinished short story I wrote, so any basic feedback is helpful - including formatting, what works and what doesn't work, etc. I also would like to improve the logline to try and capture the balance of absurdity and seriousness the piece goes for.
Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Q2IITr95PrJNJaOqDjEhpbqWXBiIXBZk/view
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Hi, I only read a couple of pages before I stopped but I do have some notes for you.
- You introduced John in the first scene but we don't see him until the second scene. Don't introduce your characters until we see them on screen.
- Another issue with your introduction in that first scene is that you tell us there is a voiceover from this character. Never tell us a character is about to speak, that is what their dialogue is for.
- Your first scene is DAY and your second scene is MORNING but I get the impression the second follows on from the first but the problem is the time of day component in your slugs is telling us that time is moving backward. Either your first scene should be MORNING to align with the second scene or the second should be DAY to align with the first. Personally, I think they should both be DAY.
- You should only cap a character's name during their introduction, every other time you should just write their name normally.
- Rather than tell us John has just arrived for work, show us this through action instead. This should be done for all other lines that simply state information for the sake of explaining why a character is in a scene.
- You don't need to cap objects such as LOBBY, TELLER'S COUNTER, MANAGER'S DESK, etc.
- Perhaps the last customers of the day are leaving. Are you asking or suggesting? Regardless, it's your story, tell us what is happening, and don't throw out hypothetical questions to the reader.
Thanks for the comments! Lots of this basic formatting stuff is new to me so I appreciate it!
I updated the GDoc to fix the issues you mentioned. Thanks again!
Thanks Dan Guardino ! I would appreciate it
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James - I pulled down a copy and will read it later - at first blush, it seems a little wordy.
Thanks Doug Nelson ! I appreciate the thoughts and look forward to more :)
Thank you Dan Guardino ! I appreciate the thoughts and look forward to hearing from you!