Screenwriting : Logline feedback? by Olivia Drake

As a minimum I think you should say what the health issue is that your character is risking. I'd also consider even possibly alluding to what the tragic truth is - my guess is this is something you don't want to give away, but maybe you could give a little more - is it about their work history? or a family trait? something supernatural?

In the nicest way, I feel the current logline is too high level right now and you should aim for a little more about what is unique with your story :-)

Adam Harper that makes sense! It’s a film about generational trauma so there’s a lot to condense in one sentence!

Olivia Drake I feel your pain haha, I struggle with reducing my stories into such few words. Perhaps feeding the theme of generational trauma into the logline more obviously would do it? If the story covers/reveals the fact that all 3 generations are suffering, maybe that would be the unique selling point.

One thing that just struck me, I got a little confused in the logline whether the relationship with the tragic truth lies between grandmother and mother, or teenager and mother?

My attempt, with what I know, something like:

Following her grandmother's death, a teenager attempts to console her grieving mother and uncovers a traumatic familial story that threatens the family's once tightly knit bond

Hi, Olivia Drake. I suggest adding an adjective that describes the girl's personality. Also, you could put "teenager" instead of "teenage girl" since we know she's a girl from "risks her health."

Why does she want to unveil the tragic truth of her relationship with her grieving mother? Knowing that will help us give more feedback.

Good advise again Maurice.

A fragile teenager whose grandmother dies desperately needs a relationship with her mother and risks her health to unveil the tragic truth of what has hindered a relationship.

Maurice Vaughan fair enough! So she doesn’t really want to uncover the truth about her mom’s relationship with her grandma, it’s really about the daughter starving herself on a diet mom put on her and because of that it forces her to reconsider her entire relationship.

Wal Friman that’s a good one!

Adam Harper the tragic truth is that the grandmother and mother’s relationship is a reflection of the mother’s relationship with her daughter and the mother is too ashamed to face that reality. Hope that helps clear it up!

Hello Olivia :) If the daughter is starving herself on a diet her mother put her on, I would definitely put that in the logline! It is my experience that many writers fear putting the "meat and potatoes" in the logline because it spoils the big reveal a producer would experience from reading the script. But, in a logline, a synopsis, or a query letter, we're trying to convince producers to read it! And producers, who are inundated with scripts, aren't reading scripts to be entertained, they're looking for a script they would be interested in producing, and the only way they'll know is if they read it, and the only reason they'll read it is because we've hooked them with what the script is exactly about. So I would definitely put in your logline the daughter is starving herself because of a diet her mother put her on, and explain how that fits in the story. Who's your protagonist, what does she want, what stands in her way, what does she do to get what she wants :) I hope this proves helpful. Good luck, Olivia! :)

Kapow! You ignored the juicy part?

"...it’s really about the daughter starving herself on a diet mom put on her and because of that it forces her to reconsider her entire relationship."

So, here's my secret formula by the numbers:

No secrets.

Nothing implied.

No open-ended innuendo.

Industry execs need clear goals and specific results to be interested.

Now for the formula:

Who

Dilemma

Action

Goal

Villain

Irony (if you can)

Here's an example:

A spunky Indian teenager builds a peace sanctuary between two feuding families, her own Indian family and her boyfriend's Pakistani family next door to encourage cooperation between them, but her dreams for peace get foiled by the boyfriend's surly father.

May the force be with you.

Dave

David Santo this helps so much! thank you so much!

at everyone: thank you all so much for your incredible feedback and tips! I’ve changed my Logline and I got it to this:

A suicidal, socially awkward teenager starves herself to earn her mother’s love, but after she unveils the dark truth behind her mother’s traumatic past with her recently deceased grandmother, she changes her outlook on her own life.

I think you're getting closer, Olivia, but I agree with David Santo's "secret formula": no secrets, no implications, no innuendo. I find the first part of your latest logline intriguing, but then there's "dark truth" and "traumatic past" and then "changes the outlook on her own life." What is the dark truth? What is the traumatic past? And then "changes the outlook on her own life" is in essence what happens to most protagonists between beginning and end. In The Hero's Journey, that's exactly what happens to the protagonist. So, for what it's worth, I would recommend talking a look at "dark truth" and "traumatic past" and identify what you can add to give a producer a clear picture as to what your story is about. Or offer what the relationship between the daughter and mother are. Good luck, Olivia; I hope this proves helpful :) For example, which paints a clearer picture: one, "A man wakes up one morning to find he's no longer the man he once was" or two, "A man wakes up one morning to find he's transformed into a giant cockroach." Compliments to Franz Kafka :)

Hi Olivia. What’s at stake if the teen uncovers the truth? What is the worst that can happen? and what is worse than even that?