Screenwriting : Pitch Feedback by Christine Capone

Girlfriend, laying it out a bit more succinctly than Brother Daniel, it's a pass couched in gobbledygook.

Is mindfuck the verboten word? It is better. And economical.

I've had some of the same experiences. Sometimes I wondered if they actually read my pitch as the questions they ask I know are answered there. How about, in all fairness, a rating system for the feedback? Just to keep things open.

Daniel Goudreau Even if there is enough for them to "see" the movie and they love it they still aren’t going to buy it. Never happen!

I felt bad about my post. I was pretty rough on the pitch feedback but I am grateful for Stage32's services so I want to try again with the same pitch a 4th time. Two of the pitch feedbacks I got just quickly chose 33333333 and a sentence or two so that meant I waIted a month for a response that literally took 1 minute. But to be fair, one of the three gave such a response as to glean great amounts of delicate understanding for the nuances of what the pitched film could be, but the still it's a pass because one page isn't enough to convey the film's many character arcs, etc. Well of course I know that. I am the one who had to distill a vast epic down to 75 words. A follow up woth the Professional would have allowed me to offer up so much more but there is no follow up or any chance to reply so it's a FADE TO BLACK, THE END with that professional. So what I learned is never do the written, do the phone/Skype because that way you actually get to convey more of your script and reply and respond instead of a quick abrubt 3333333 "I don't see enough of the film from One Page. Good luck in future endeavors"

Hi Christine Capone - I've come to realize there are different personality types when it comes to readers and reviewers. It's part of the game and the variety of life in almost any niche. Some are quite respectful and helpful, some are out to prove they know better than you (they think ;-) because they audited a screenwriting 101 course or attended a seminar. Examples:

I believe in show don't tell & keep it tight, yet a reader once commented I need to describe the Mega Cargo Ship more, even though it sinks in a storm in the first 15 second scene.

I had another tell me "It's obviously a mutiny in space, which has been told many times, but get to the mutiny quicker". That was a fun one because there is never a mutiny in the entire story: it's not about a mutiny and never hints toward a mutiny. So some reviewers, it seems, collect their share of the fees without reading at all.

In the end, not everyone is going to be helpful as you hope, but many will prove to be more helpful than you ever dreamed. I'm lucky to have found a couple of them and you will too.

Write on!

Personally, I'd connect with peers at your level. When the writing clicks, instead of asking for advice, you are asking for partners.

Daniel I liked your first response as well! But thank you for your second one. I agree, I think it will benefit me to do a phone/skype pitch. I thought of that last nite when I've read how many script and meeting requests there have been. They must be doing it over Skype! I'll try that next time. I also think that sometimes execs are busy and draw from a template of responses and just insert some of their feedback to make it sound genuine. One mentioned they want an element of surprise so that fact that a prim and proper real estate agent is a former military vet and highly trained in martial arts didn't work or that her husband's colleague was involved with his murder. (another police officer). Not sure what they were looking for exactly.

Bill so true! The answers are in the pitch. I've said that before about pitches in the past. I like the feedback rating system!

E Langley my east coast friend! Keeping it real! You got it right!

@Christine Capone, I just read your BIo and you have tons of experience. Shouldn't you be one of the insiders who is reading other people's pitches? By the way, I'm in Maine so I write New England characters. One of my favorites is where I had my two Andover Girls head to 1989 Los Angeles and they turn the place on its head and defeat the High Priestess of the Fashion World and the Top Exec self-styled Pope of Hollywood. Elemental forces are unleashed and LA is rocked to its core. Literally as rock music carries every scene.

@Christine Capone "Show don't tell" makes absolutely no sense in a pitch as all you can do is tell. You have about 75 works to convey everything. You're not exactly about to use subtext in a pitch. lol. That response you got was insane and a very canned amateurish response from someone staring at the "500 rules of scriptwriting" and thinking they would apply to the pitch as well.

Christine Capone hey there- I am new here and spent the month of July pitching 4 different scripts to several people, mostly verbal but two written because I couldn't get a spot. I am going to publish my findings in a few weeks. I also took one of the courses about pitching mistakes which I did find beneficial. (I used to pitch very well but it was 30+ years ago and always face2face). Having not seen/read your pitch I cant comment on the comments...and being writers I think that we might get more ruffled at our writing pitches like we do coverage (some are so lame) but I support you in your confusion and would be glad to give a second eye to try and "translate" what they meant if you want. Or, just shake it off as mind fuckery and go on to the next...

I think you should imagine what's filmed. If you have barriers that seem hard to film don't add that in your pitch. Use your trailer ideas to pitch. I know it's not done. You should make a new script and copy parts that tell a story... look up how to make a good trailer and follow that for your new pitch page

Vincent that's great advice! Thank you.

Susan I'd love to send it to you. I am revising it as I have another pitch scheduled but I can give you the one I sent to them if you're interested in looking at that one. Thx for the offer!

Christine Capone great. Just respond to my asking to network and I'll DM you with my email address et al and I'll give my best objectivity!

Susan, Done! thanks!

Daniel Goudreau

I don’t know why you felt bad about your previous post. I absolutely love being on Stage 32, but let's be honest—they're part of the cottage industry that thrives on aspiring screenwriters. It's like the screenwriter's version of Disneyland, fun to visit, but you know they're making a mint off those ticket sales.

I’ve always believed that getting advice from non-screenwriters is like taking cooking tips from someone who’s never boiled an egg. If they haven’t actually broken into the business as a screenwriter, their opinion is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. They just don’t know what it takes to break into the business. I mean, just because someone drives a car doesn’t mean they know how to build one or sell one.

Christine without reading your pitch and assuming whoever wrote your feedback took it seriously and did it properly.When they're talking about your in depth richness yet saying to be more concise they aren't necessarily contradicting themselves.If I received that feedback I would think to myself.I've been overly disciptive with everything if I write it more concisely I can put more of my beat points and even more importantly more about my character arcs and character relationships etc.It's the characters and their interplay between each other that makes us love the movies we love.To me the richness is all these layers both written by the writer but also projected onto the story by the reader that creates richness.Regarding the show don't tell comment.Anything you write can be visual if you look at all the most sucessful radio plays and narative pod casts they're incredibly visual.I come from a background of being a speach writer and ghost writing long form articles for people and everything I've ever written has been visual.So if for instance instead of writing he's a tough guy but he's got a heart of gold.Write something the character does in the screenplay that shows this.Anyway I wish you luck and hope there's something of use in there for you.

Craig good points. I'll make the necessary changes. Thanks for your insight.

Hi Christine -

I'm new to the business and have only had about a half-dozen oral pitches, so take this with a grain of salt...but... what I've learned the most from pitching is that there are two layers. The curtly-worded, concise, practically LOL OMG layer is for the general mood of the show - genre, background, tone, mood. That should be like 10% of the pitch (as far as I can figure).

The richness that people want to see... that comes out in the description of the characters (are they likeable?), the depths of the twists and turns and conflicts (are they original?), and the overall flow of the story from obstacle to obstacle, from origin to conclusion. I have seen that the more passionate I am about the characters and their struggles, the more my story will resonate with the listener/viewer.

I cannot possibly give insight into what your reviewers were trying to tell you about your show/feature, but I'd imagine that when you're pitching, you should see if you can leave the background details to the listener and focus on the characters and the decisions they have to make. That's what makes for great story-telling anyway, right? Not how blue the sky was, or how expensive the car was, or what the guy wore to the date, or the different ingredients in the seven-course meal... but how the characters processed inputs and what became of their choices. I think that might be the "richness" people are talking about.

Just my 2 cents. Best of luck to you with your pitches!

~Matt

P.S. Also, don't forget that a lot of reviews are written by people who weren't creative enough to come up with their own stories. If a reviewer leaves you a genuinely confusing and seemingly-stupid review, remember that it's possible that they just suck at their trade.

Christine Capone It seem a lot of people pay for feedack and aren't happy with the results. I wonder how many of those people who are making the money were successful screenwriters. It sounds like the on you got probably wasn't. Are you related to Al capone? I know I was watching Casino and they had the members of the hole in the wall gang help them comit some robberies. One of my relatives were in that gang. Not in the movie though because he was in jail.

Hey Dan Guardino - that's a heck of a backstory right there :-)

Matt Dycus, yes, I totally agree! A lot of feedback I've received mentioned exactly what you wrote - to focus more on the characters - they're struggles growth, etc. I changed my pitch to reflect that. On the other hand, mentioning certain things outside the characters give us the tone and theme of the story. It's a balance but yes, I agree with making it more about the characters.

Hey Dan G., it's not that I'm not happy, I'm more confused and I felt like his sentences were just jumbled together. I take this as a learning experience but I really haven't learned anything from the last 2 pitches. I've had other pitches where they give examples on what they'd like to see. I don't mind getting a big old PASS on a pitch, but I'd like to know why so then I can make the necessary changes. And no, I'm not related to Al Capone (so I'm told ; ). That's interesting though about one of your relatives. I'm sure they've got some stories!

I am glad you were not unhappy. A lot of my relatives were tied to the mob so he wasn't the worse of the lot.

Yeah, "so I'm told" is right, Christine. People don't often admit to infamous relatives even within their own family. My sweet grandmother took quite a secret to her grave, I discovered with a little bio hunting online. And here's one for you (and Dan): My wife and I had to use egg donation, and the egg donor, an MIT student, advertised herself as one quarter each of Irish, English, Scottish and French. Well I gave the kids a dna test and based on that outcome, our egg donor is, whether she knows or not, at least one-third Sicilian! But both my kids are wicked smaht so it's all good!

My suggestion Christine Capone is to keep writing and pitching, the more kicks at the goal will eventually lead to a Goal or a touchdonwn. Cheers.

I love how we're all a group. We work our asses off to celebrate our own creativity

My best guess is that we have all worked our tails off to be creative

Hollywood is a crappy place to make yourself known

Can you share anything ?

Hi Matt, will comment more soon. I was out for the day, but I agree with everything you're saying.