Screenwriting : Loglines and nuances by Charles V Abela

I changed it a little. "From the office in his private jet, a Dallas defense attorney who thrives on courtroom theatrics represents the rich and famous while fighting for justice for his family and the disadvantaged with a passion."

I liked this one as well "When an aspiring defense attorney hears about his father’s treatment under his tyrannical boss, he decides to defend the abuser to save his father’s co-workers from further abuse."

Thank you Tim Bragg Am I right in saying that the way it has been amended, it does not mention an inciting incident? I have to say, my original one did not offer one either.

OOOOOOOOOOPS Got the name wrong.... should be JET STREAM LAWYER... FLATTENED EGO.

Hi, Charles V Abela. How would defending the boss save the father’s co-workers from further abuse?

Maurice Vaughan Thanks for asking. Good Question.

Cliché. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Briefly the relationship between the two is complex as is revealed towards the latter stages. Back to the defense they go through a series of acerbic discussions, maybe a bit of gaslighting released by Jason Wicks. It's in the Treatment.

Couple of people do like the first Logline as is published, however, on second thoughts, based on opinions, I had another look and I put some more Loglines on the table.

Do you like any of the last five? Or you prefer the first one, perhaps? Or none at all. Opinions are very confusing.

You're welcome, Charles V Abela. I like the second revised logline the most, but I suggest making it clear how the lawyer defending the boss will save the father’s co-workers from further abuse.

Something like: When a high-flying defense attorney hears about his father’s treatment under a tyrannical boss, the lawyer agrees to defend the abuser and secretly sabotages the case, sending the boss to prison and saving his father’s co-workers from further abuse.

Delicious dilemma.

A fancy defense attorney, passionate about saving his father and his co-workers against their rich boss, is hired by the abuser and pressured to destroy the complainers lives.

Unfortunately, all your loglines are confusing. I can barely tell who is defending whom. Wal Friman's version is much more clear and concise. Additionally there are no clear stakes or consequences. Here's my shot at it:

"A jet-setting Attorney puts his job and reputation on the line to defend a bunch of abused factory workers including his own father against a tyrannical boss who uses the law to hold everyone hostage."

What happened to the father, did he die, kill himself?

Word count 30 or less, who how and why. What is the hook?

I was thrown off by the double use of "his" in the opening phrase because it wasn't immediately clear to me who the second "his" referred to. And there is even a third "his" later. Regarding the logline as a whole, it strikes me as an interesting premise, but I can't see much of the film in my head. Maybe if more of the plot were revealed?

Thank you all. And t.y. Maurice Vaughan - the first to alert me, but I missed it. I was wrong, all the way. But, like AVIS, "We try harder." Yeah I can hear it loud and clear "Try Smarter." This line has a universal appeal. Loglines are tough to put in 33 words which is my max.

J. Austin Gentry Good point. The father (the attorney's father) well, he was only a stepping stone so to speak - just mentioned as part of the inciting incident. His ending is not addressed in the script.

Eric Christopherson I agree, I don't like repetition of words. And certainly, they could be confusing as to who or what they are referring to. But in 25-30 words, it becomes perhaps tougher than what I thought. Not sure how much one expects in a Logline. But you could look at the Synopsis.

You're welcome, Charles V Abela. Loglines are tough, but I think you'll be able to write a great one with the feedback in the comments.

True,. I think often, one gets more different opinions about one's Logline, than the number of different words within that Logline. But that's where the challenge is. What I would like - if at all possible - is for more people who are obviously very well versed with the Logline art to come up with their version(s).

Charles it is hard to say what the inciting incident is without reading the first 15 pages. What is the event that impacted him to fight for the disadvantage. You mention he hears of his fathers treatment under his tyrannical boss, The inciting incident could be if he saw the treatment, this would be his passion to help his fathers co-workers.

Tim Bragg Thanks Tim. It is a bit difficult to say all in one Logline. But I am submitting additional background and a new Logline. However, the Synopsis has been available on this website for a few days and still is. It should answer the questions.

WORKING THE LOGLINE.

The Logline was confusing to some. Mea culpa. A new one is supplied.

BACKGROUND. Purely and simply, Jason Wicks’ father’s treatment at the hands of a tyrannical boss, serves as the inciting incident. Jason graduates as defense attorney around four years after this provocation.

A few years after graduation, the nasty boss (Russell Rhodes) is charged with a first-degree felony. This has absolutely nothing to do with the ill-treatment of workers from fifteen years back. It is purely a financial scam. If you care to look at the Synopsis, it explains this clearly. Mea maxima culpa.

The charge presents an opportunity for Jason to take action. He uses tools within his profession to achieve his goal: i.e. to help foster better treatment for the workers. It means taking on the case to defend Russell, albeit, the ultimate objective being is to bring him down to earth… so to speak.

LOGLINE: A young, aspiring defense attorney, aware of the mistreatment of employees at his father’s company, must use an innovative legal approach to rectify the injustice.

you don't have an antagonist in the plot, so it's hard for you to write a logline. The antagonist's goal must be the opposite of the hero's goal. It is this conflict of goals between the hero and the antagonist that the logline describes.

Arthur Charpentier It's Russell Rhodes. It is also clear in the Synopsis.

I don't think the new logline tells enough the story, Charles V Abela. The logline doesn't mention the boss or the attorney's father being mistreated by the boss.

Why the year 1986? Does the year play a major role in plot?

Pass on all the loglines. Maybe spend $50 on the stage 32 logline webinar & learn the why & how.

Not to discourage you Charles. I did read your synopsis. It is too long and filled with unnecessary details. Your log line., synopsis, theme and plot should center around your main character.

Dan MaxXx No date is mentioned in the Logline. I am trying to put attention to it.

Re the $50 Webinar. Ten opinions = 10 answers. Which one of those answers, if any, would be correct? (I would prefer to see an answer.) There are many educational pieces on the Internet, and books galore. Three books will do for me. Then, it's the writer's own instinct. Other books and webinars come stacked with the gems and secrets blah blah blah. Effectively, it's the same regurgitated stuff. I am not a fan of these. This is why, on this and similar platforms, a suggested solution is much more informative and helpful rather than just a straight-out opinion.

Tim Bragg I am not discouraged. As a matter of fact, with no exception, I find all the foregoing comments encouraging. Brainstorming. To answer your question on length. I follow a formula from Shane Stanley... around 600 words is fine, even page and one half. That path leads the writer to more detail which are not always seen as necessary. I really do think that it depends who reads it, i.e. his or her purpose for reading it.

Maurice Vaughan

Your Comment. I don't think the new logline tells enough the story, Charles V Abela. The logline doesn't mention the boss or the attorney's father being mistreated by the boss.

My Logline: A young, aspiring defense attorney, aware of the mistreatment of employees at his father’s company, must use an innovative legal approach to rectify the injustice.

I thought, it would be implied rather clearly in the logline. However, It can be chiselled out a little more perhaps. Maybe better.

NEW 1: A young, aspiring defense attorney, aware of his father’s and fellow workers’ mistreatment at his dad’s company, must use an innovative legal approach to rectify the injustice.

NEW 2: A young, aspiring defense attorney, aware of his father’s and fellow workers’ mistreatment at his dad’s company, tackles the nasty boss using an innovative legal approach to rectify the injustice.

NEW 3: A young, aspiring defense attorney, aware of his father’s and fellow workers’ mistreatment at his dad’s company, tackles the nasty boss using an innovative legal approach.

Do you prefer 1, 2, 3 or neither?

Neither, Charles V Abela. I think the first part of the logline needs a better flow. And I think "tackles the nasty boss using an innovative legal approach to rectify the injustice" is vague. Vagueness is a logline killer.

Not sure what I can go. Got to give me one!

Not all bad but can't say against Maurice either. Here's one.

An aspiring defense attorney takes a mistreatment of employees case and when the odds sack up against him he pulls a very innovative legal stunt.

Wal. I think that is more in line with what Charles story might be about.

Ha-ha. Yes, you and I we might just have this one all figured out.

Wal Friman Tim Bragg That is good gentlemen. By good, I mean more positive replies. I do see a couple of points that need mentioning. I have to put my mind to it. I can see though that Wal is a lover of short Loglines... which is perhaps the toughest part of the challenge.

Charles the log line needs four things main character, setup, main conflict, and main antagonist. Here the lawyer is the protagonist and the boss is the antagonist. 35 words should cover this in your log line.

Things get real for a flashy, celebrity lawyer in Dallas, when the death of a loved one makes him rediscover his passion for justice.

Christiane Lange I like it. It is unfortunate that suggested loglines show the members the scope of what a good logline is all about. Short of knowing the story though, it becomes difficult. In this case I do like how the logline flows. But there was no death at the point of the inciting incident. I do like to discuss 'debate' the logline, but it has occurred to me whether if using PM is a better avenue. However, it may not benefit the general audience or whoever looks at it. And I would say it is not the objective of this website. Maybe some advice from Maurice Vaughan could be worthwhile.

What do you mean by using PM, Charles V Abela?

Private Message.

Charles what Christiane wrote is exactly what you have been trying to capture. It is to the point and I was hooked with it. You said there is no death, so replace death with what makes him rediscover his passion for justice.

Tim Bragg It would be good if you can give me a version that you have in mind.

To be honest, I am absolutely flummoxed. I have already put forward the background as it shows below. The word death is never mentioned anywhere from the material supplied. No deaths had been anticipated anywhere.

BACKGROUND. Purely and simply, Jason Wicks’ father’s treatment at the hands of a tyrannical boss, serves as the inciting incident. Jason graduates as defense attorney around four years after this provocation.

A few years after graduation, the nasty boss (Russell Rhodes) is charged with a first-degree felony. This has absolutely nothing to do with the ill-treatment of workers from fifteen years back. It is purely a financial scam. If you care to look at the Synopsis, it explains this clearly. Mea maxima culpa.

The charge presents an opportunity for Jason to take action. He uses tools within his profession to achieve his goal: i.e. to help foster better treatment for the workers. It means taking on the case to defend Russell, albeit, the ultimate objective being is to bring him down to earth… so to speak.

LOGLINE: A young, aspiring defense attorney, aware of the mistreatment of employees at his father’s company, must use an innovative legal approach to rectify the injustice.

So, you or Christine or both, please, if you could, write the Logline out.

I would have to read the whole story.

Don''t worry Tim. Will soon be on the Silver Screen. I'd like to attach a bit of humor whenever I can. But seriously intentionally or otherwise, you have HIT ON AN IMPORTANT POINT: Read the whole story. So, when people comment I fail to understand why some are so dogmatic in passing a judgement. That's why when I comment, I tend to be a somehow "caveat" driven... but often wrong too.

Truth be known that all the foregoing yapping, bantering and quipping but otherwise serious conversation, keeps me in my comfort zone, a bad business practice which I find hard to shake off. I often say to myself, "STFU" lift the phone and get some "NOs" for answers.

Lawyers don't do justice. their job is to defend the client in court. harsh treatment of employees is not a lawyer's problem. The only thing he can do is organize a class action. That's what your story should be about. or about defending a tough employer in court. it cannot be mixed and sold.

Arthur Charpentier Noted.

high in the sky a defense attorney learns his father is sick

this is a one liner wordage gets confused sometimes logline and what not just go with what's hot don't be to literal

Charles V Abela I had not seen your synopsis, when I wrote that. It was merely meant as an example of the elements and flow you need. Sub in whatever is relevant to your particular story.

Sounds like a great movie.

Christiane Lange Apologies. In Perfect Agreement. Difficult to knock up a Logline without knowing the plot or indeed been through its Treatment or Synopsis, at minimum. Ideally, one being critiqued should not look past the presence or absence of the basic (4) components in the suggested line, unless the critic had been privileged with the background. Hope I’m making sense.

Eric Sollars Thank you. I looked at your Notre Dame Logline etc. I left a comment… an uplifting one. As a physician, are you influenced by what audience you aim your story at, and what its potential success might be? Or you like it for other reasons than commercial?

Many of my characters come from the old neighborhood I grew up in. My daughter and I recently wrote a screenplay on Florence Nightingale. She's a nurse.

keep it simple and make them remember your title

KISS message noted.