Hoping everyone is doing great. First page Friday here in Japan, wanted to share what I’m currently working on, the second draft of a Deadliest Catch meets The Godfather Scottish crime family spec called SHEARWATER. Logline reads: A Scottish crab boat captain, desperate to escape his family’s criminal empire, is thrust into the underworld after his father’s assassination and must tread dangerous waters to stop power-hungry gangs at home and abroad from seizing control of the family business.
Any comments welcome!
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Is VW a car or a person?
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Hey Mike Boas good point, its supposed to be the car, a Volkswagen Golf, what I just did was rip it from the twentieth page and use it as a cold open, I’ve forgotten to use proper intros here, thanks for the heads up.
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Deadliest Catch meets The Godfather with a Scottish crime family sounds really interesting and unique, James Sutherland! I’d watch this show!
Intense, well-written action scene!
You could give us more than “Arran frowns.” Something like “Arran frowns. These fucking guys won’t quit.”
Some of your sentences need periods, unless you meant to write them without periods.
Change “To late” to “Too late” near the bottom of the page.
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I like the tone but the setting & pacing feel off (IMO). Kinda lost in the story, (Male figures?, VW stares?, unclear car type and action), had to re-read sentences. Not a fan of haiku/Walter Hill-like formatting
(Im a car guy and I had to google skoda. Story is in Scotland. Why arent they driving English make cars?)
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Hi James! This concept sounds thrilling—combining Deadliest Catch with The Godfather is a unique and compelling angle. I love the high stakes in your logline, though emphasizing the protagonist’s internal conflict or a key choice could sharpen it even more. The Scottish setting adds a fascinating layer, and I’m excited to see how it shapes the story—best of luck with the second draft!
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Just on my way back from Scotland, and coincidentally from an area where they catch shellfish, and I think you might need to kick it up a gear in terms of what the ‘family business’ actually is. I find it mildly unbelievable that criminal gangs would be interested in such a marginal (or rather margin-less) industry, unless there was an ulterior motive for them wanting control of the operation.
Shows like Shetland or most of the. Scandi crime dramas which are set on these northern rural coastlines usually mix in something more treacherous. People smuggling. Right wing loonies. Drugs of course. Something with a little more obvious menace and a need for the fishing boat infrastructure might fit the bill.
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Maurice Vaughan thank you for your comments I've made a note of them and will use them, and thank you for all your support this year, wishing you a happy new year!
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Dan MaxXx thank you for your comments, yes it needs fixing, it was an impulse idea, finishing a second draft but before finishing I will make sure this page is clarified, the cars in this scene were taken from an actual Scottish gangland car chase, that was the inspiration for the choice of vehicle, wishing you a happy new year!
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Laquan Copeland thank you so much for the logline note! Super helpful, hope you have a great new year!
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You're welcome, James Sutherland. Happy New Year!
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The reason I was confused was some of the personification you gave the VW. VW “stares at” and “whips the wheels” when interacting with people. I wouldn’t use those verbs.