LOGLINE;
Fantasy Action - Adventure
In a small town, a gifted young musician named Jake relies on his captivating voice and guitar skills to earn vital tips, supporting his struggling family. However, a devastating tornado sweeps away his tip hat, prompting Jake to embark on a daring quest to retrieve it. His journey takes a dark turn when he stumbles into the foreboding Duvan Cave of Horror, where he must confront the malevolent Lord Duvan, god of Carnage. Armed with his trusty flaming guitar, Jake must summon his courage and musical prowess to outwit Duvan's terrifying minions and survive the treacherous cave. As Duvan seeks to unleash carnage, to the world.
MOVIE SYNOPSIS
Act 1:
Fifteen-year-old Jake is a talented young guitarist who uses his musical skills to support his family by playing on the streets and earning valuable tips. Despite his parents' tireless efforts, they struggle to make ends meet, forcing Jake to put his education on hold. When a sudden tornado sweeps away Jake's tip hat, during his big musical performance. He bravely chases after it, leading him deep into the forest and ultimately, to the ominous entrance of the forbidden "Duvan Cave of Horror".
Act 2:
Jake's pursuit of his tip hat leads him into the treacherous "Duvan Cave of Horror", ruled by the ruthless Lord Duvan, god of Carnage. Fortunately, Jake forms an unlikely alliance with Jade and her grandfather, Schwartz, a powerful wizard, who are disguised as zombies among the cave's monstrous inhabitants. Schwartz transforms Jake's ordinary guitar into the legendary FLAMING GUITAR, imbuing him with newfound power. Meanwhile, back in Jake's hometown, his worried family initiates a search operation, led by the determined Agent Casey and two brilliant detectives, who are hot on the trail to find the missing Jake.
Act 3:
Every century, Lord Duvan unleashes a reign of terror on the earth, leaving destruction in his wake. As the next century's devastation draws near, Jake and his newfound allies must confront the malevolent Lord Duvan in his most fearsome Beast form. Narrowly escaping the cave with their lives, they soon discover that Duvan has one final, apocalyptic transformation, a monstrous form towering 365 feet tall. With this terrifying new form, Duvan declares all-out war on humanity, heralding a catastrophic era of carnage.
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More world building- Visualize the street life of the busker and contrast it against the 'Duvan Cave' world. Show what is lengendary about the Flaming Guitar (flashback?)- make Jade a love interest transformed from a non-descript member of the buskar world to a young wizard learning her powers- End Act 2 with a love duet song Jade and Jake sing entrancing the oppressed slaves of the Duvan cave who become the army Jake calls upon to fight Lord Duvan. Act3 has no ending, not even a cliff hanger sentence- somebody better do something we can see.
4 people like this
Hi, Dickson Phiri. Great to meet you. Your script sounds exciting and unique!
LOGLINE FEEDBACK
I think your logline needs some work. Your logline is actually a short synopsis.
Here’s a logline template that might help: After/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).
The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: A _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion).
Loglines are one or two sentences. A one-sentence logline sounds better, and it takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it. Try to keep your logline to 35 words or less. Long loglines can make producers, directors, etc. pass on a project.
Avoid using “must” in loglines. “Must” usually means the protagonist is forced to do whatever they need to do in the story instead of doing it willingly. You might need to use “must” in a logline though, like when the protagonist is forced by another character to do something. Using “must” to choose between two options is fine.
Names in loglines are usually for biopics, well-known stories, and franchises (like Mission: Impossible).
Sometimes I put the location and date that the story takes place in instead of the inciting incident if it’s a Period Piece script.
All stories don’t follow this logline template. Biopics, documentaries, and Experimental scripts might not follow the template. The series logline for a TV show can follow this template, but the pilot logline and episode loglines for the show might not.
SYNOPSIS FEEDBACK
You don’t have to put the Acts in your synopsis.
I think you did a great job on the synopsis. I have two suggestions though:
#1) Tell about Jake and Jade's relationship more in the synopsis (I'm guessing Jade is the love interest).
#2) At the end of Act 1, you wrote, “When a sudden tornado sweeps away Jake's tip hat, during his big musical performance. He bravely chases after it, leading him deep into the forest and ultimately, to the ominous entrance of the forbidden ‘Duvan Cave of Horror’,” then you put “Jake's pursuit of his tip hat leads him into the treacherous “Duvan Cave of Horror”…” at the start of Act 2. You mention that he’s chasing his tip hat at the end of Act 1, so you don’t have to mention it again at the start of Act 2. Maybe change “Jake's pursuit of his tip hat leads him into the treacherous ‘Duvan Cave of Horror’” to something about him creeping into the cave.
Also, I suggest adding a profile picture. People will feel more comfortable networking and collaborating with you if they know what you look like. And if you have a picture, your profile will show up when someone searches for you.
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Hi Dickson Phiri Welcome to Stage 32. I'm struggling to understand the story and the stakes and how the events are related. If a tornado sweeps away his tip hat, doesn't that mean Jake is busking in a tornado - why is it, that only his hat, gets swept away and not him and his guitar? How and why, would he even go looking for a hat that has been swept away, with no possibility or probability of finding it, when it could be replaced by another hat (even from a charity shop) or a jar? Does it have magical powers, or extreme sentimental value? Where would he even start his search!?
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Wow... These comments are very insightful, I truly appreciate such professional feedback.
That's the difference from a friend's opinion, who will just applaud your work and be marveled with it. But this has actually prompted me to revisit it, and hope I'll work around those areas.
Thank you very much!
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You're welcome, Dickson Phiri. Professional feedback is more helpful in my opinion, but sometimes friends and other people who aren't in the industry can give helpful feedback from an audience's viewpoint. Keep us posted on your script.
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Hello. Your story seems unfocused at first. After a closer look I think it probably has a lot of hidden potential.
A teen busker chasing his hat in a tornado is led into a cave where he recognizes his destiny to be to stop a god’s all-out war on humanity.
4 people like this
Hi Dickson Phiri, there is already great advice, so I’d just like to add one thing.
At the beginning of the second act, you could make it clearer why Lord Duvan is a threat to Jake or why Jake wants to fight him. Does Lord Duvan prevent Jake from going home? Or does the antagonist not care about him, but while Jake tries to find his way back, he becomes affectionate towards the other inhabitants and allies with them against Lord Duvan? Or does Jake know from the beginning that the world is at risk and decide at the start of Act II to fight for it?
Make it clear helps to clear the external conflict.