Title: Script Excerpt - Seeking Collaboration and Feedback
Hey everyone, I’m sharing an excerpt from my script and would love some feedback and potential collaboration opportunities!
Plot Overview:
A man in his 40s, stuck in a mundane office job, discovers that his mother has passed away at the age of 76. He reconnects with his younger sister after many years and begins to search for his purpose in life.
Scene 1 Work
Int. Workplace - noon
The workplace looks very generic and dull, with everyone is wearing clothes of the same color.
Mark is sitting in front of a computer in the office, typing a report. He has a tired and weary kind of face, stops typing, and sees its only 3:10pm he takes a deep tired breath and continues the report. He scratches his eyes because he is tired and sees it's 5:03pm he puts on his jacket says goodbye to everyone and leaves the office.
Scene 2 mama is in the hospital
Int. Home - night
Mark is sitting on his couch with his work clothes, watching TV, his phone is out of reach on the desk. He looks tired and his phone starts to ring, he doesn't answer, the call ends and the phons rings again.
Mark (little angry): What the hell.
He answers, the hospital calls him
Mark: Hello. Yes I'm, (suprised and with a little energy) - wait what did you say? Where is she? What hospital? I'm on my way.
Mark rushes to his car and drives. He almost falls asleep as he drives, so he turns on the radio the song "come and get your love" is playing.
Mark: Fuck it
He switchs station, and theres a similar song playing so he turns the radio off (angerly). He is looking a lot on the time.
Scene 3 Is mama dead?
Int. Hospital - night
Mark enters the hospital he looks nervous and in a rush. He goes to the secretary.
Mark (fast nearvous): I'm looking for (mama's name), she had car accident.
Secretary: She is in room (room number).
Mark goes there and sees his mom connected to a ventilator. The doctor comes in he talks in a calm and gentle way the whole scene.
Doctor: Hi, are you her son?
Mark: Yes.
Doctor: My name is Doctor Morrisson I'm in charge of Ms (her name), we informed your sister to she is supposed to arrive soon.
Mark: What.. what happened to her?
Doctor: She got in a car accident, we don't know all of the facts on what happened, there so I will not say more than that. She came with severe injuries, we made checks on her such as (he looks on her file) x rays, MRIs, CT ands more, her condition doesn't seem bright, I'm sorry to infrom you that, We treated her for internal bleeding treated her broken bones...
Mark (inturpts): Don't.. don't tell me more, what are the chances for her to...
Doctor : Her chances to survive aren't promising, but if she'll pull through and manage to survive she will most likely be in a vegetative state for the rest of her life, and all of her memory will be lost.
Her daughter/Mark's sister arrives, she looks confused/frazzled.
Sister: How is she? Doc.
Doctor: as I just said to your brother we made tes...
Sister (inturpts): Just give me the final line.
Doctor: She probably won't make it, and if she will she will be a plant and probably won't remember a single thing.
Sister: Fuck. Fuck. I knew she was gonna get herself killed driving, how many times I told her that huh (says the name of her brother).
Doctor: I got to go for other patience of mine. I hope you 3 the best. And don't touch her and what's around her.
Mark (looks exhausted): Thanks.
Doctor leaves the room.
Sister: I hope he treated her well. Even tough I don't know if she deserve to be treated the best. Right?
Mark (exhausted): Just Be quiet, I don't have powers to deal with you right now.
Sister: Fuck off (her brother's name). You have to admit she was kind of a bitch.
Mark (yells): Shut up. Okay, please shut the fuck up.
Sister: Sorry big brother. Didn't mean to upset you. Thought you hated her guts too.
Mark: Just leave? Please I'm begging you. What are you doing her anyway if you hate her so much.
Sister: Well she is my mother too you idiot, she brought me to this fucked up life, so I need to see her says goodbye to this world. I will go buy me some snack want some?
Mark: No.
Sister leaves.
Mark is looking at his mother sadly gets close to her.
Mark (emotional with tears): I love you, I always did love you, I know didn't show it, and now I'll regret it for the rest of my life for not giving you hugs and kisses when you asked too. Hope there's a better world up there.
Sister comes back with chips and eats them.
Sister: The chips here in the hospital are awesome, you gotta try one.
Mark wipes his tears.
Sister: Come on don't cry. You are older than me and you don't see me cry. Grow the hell up. Be a man. Here take one
She hands him a chip, Mark doesn't move.
Sister: Your lose, my win. Where do you think she's going?
Mark doesn't respond.
Sister: My bet is... hell. Unfortunately she's gonna meet there pop's.
Mark: Are you staying here much longer?
Sister (doesn't listen): You got to meet my new boyfriend, he's the best, I'm telling you the best. He is handsome strong tough. Ohh and the sex, the sex is amazing. You have to meet him. What's funny is that he's younger than you but will be more of a man than you'll ever be.
Mark: Well I better be going far from you, before I be calling tantrums.
Sister: (symical) - Just don't throw tantrums on me, please don't. Where you gonna go? home? You'll get yourself killed too dummy. Stay at my place, I've got plenty of place for two, I'll call my boyfriend over so you two will meet, his name is Ivan he is from Slovenia.
Mark ignores her and walks towards the door.
Sister: Don't do that to me, (yells cause he left the room) - you make me feel guilty. (Whispers to herself) - Fuck this doshbeg.
Mark is going outside the hospital he stops and buys himself a bag of doritos from the vending machine, he goes outside and looks at the moon as he eats doritos, There's a man smoking.
Mark: Can I get one?
Smoking man (suprised he spoke to him): Sure.
He gives him a cigarette and smoke. Mark lights up the cigarette coughs and chockes.
Smoking man: You OK tuff guy?
Mark (as he coughs): Haven't smoked in a while.
Smoking man: Crazy, beatiful night, a twisted one. We get to witness the middle of the month miracle. A full shiny moon. Breathtaking, ain't it something?
Mark: Twisted is a great word to describe this night. The moon doesn't move me.
Smoking man: May I ask you what brings you here?
Mark: My mom got in a car accident.
Smoking man: Sorry to here that, I'm sure she'll make it, you just got to believe.
Mark: I don't have any kind of hope in me, never had, I don't even know if I want here to survive, she was a terrible mother.
Smoking man: She is still your mom though.
Mark: Yes, I mean I love her, but she was a crazy woman, like my sister.
Smoking man: Sorry to hear that.
Mark: Not needed, can we talk about something else?
Smoking man: Sure, what do you like doing?
Mark: To tell you the truth, I have no idea.
Smoking man: There's gotta be something. I love dark things for example the night, my Labrador and pussy.
Mark (laughs silently and awkwardly): Dark humor too I see.
Smoking man: Good I made you laugh, did you like it?
Mark: I did.
Smoking man: Good we found something that you like, maybe even love?
Mark: Don't push it.
Smoking man gives him a flyer.
Mark: What's that?
Smoking man puts out his cigarette and throws it.
Smoking man: Hope. Well it's been nice talking to you, wish you the best of luck.
Smoking man goes away.
Mark: Thanks, it's been nice talking to you too.
Smoking man: Another like.
Mark slippes a smile. He looks at the flyer, it's some kind of religious group, and he throws it to the trash can outside.
Mark (to himslef): Weird guy.
Mark goes back to his mama's room he looks really tired, his sister is on her phone.
Sister: I've gotta go.
She hangs up.
Mark: Still have room for another guy?
Sister: For my brother? Always.
Mark: Thanks, sorry about before.
Sister: It's ok, I'm regular to your stupidness (she has trouble saying it). Wanna go now?
Mark: If it's fine by you.
Sister: I waited for you to crawl back to me, if it wasn't you I would've been long gone brother.
Mark: She was kind of shitty mother.
Sister: Tell me about that.
I’d appreciate any thoughts, feedback, or suggestions from fellow screenwriters or collaborators. If you’re interested in working together or have any advice, feel free to reach out!
Copyright Notice:
© Oded Nave 2025. All rights reserved. This script is an original work and is protected under copyright law. Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this material without permission is prohibited.
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Hey, Oded Nave. Welcome to the community. Here's a blog that'll help you navigate Stage 32 and connect with creatives and industry professionals: www.stage32.com/blog/how-to-successfully-navigate-the-stage-32-platform-...
I read your scenes. I posted my feedback/suggestions below:
Put Mark's name in all caps when you first introduce him in the script. Do the same thing for all major characters and characters who talk.
I also suggest describing your characters' personalities when you first introduce them in the script. And their appearances and clothes/accessories if those things are important to the story. You don't have to take a lot of space describing their personalities, appearances, and clothes/accessories.
There isn't anything interesting going on in the first scene. Maybe add something about Mark's personality or life, Mark or another character doing something, or dialogue to make the scene interesting. Like the phone call in scene 2. The call makes that scene interesting.
Avoid repeating things in the action lines, like "Mark is sitting in front of a computer in the office, typing a report. He has a tired and weary kind of face, stops typing, and sees its only 3:10pm he takes a deep tired breath and continues the report. He scratches his eyes because he is tired and sees it's 5:03pm he puts on his jacket says goodbye to everyone and leaves the office."
You don't need "Scene 1 Work," "Scene 2 mama is in the hospital," "Scene 3 Is mama dead?" We can tell by the scene headings and what's going on in the scenes that Mark is at work, his mom is in the hospital, and if his mom is dead or not.
"Mark is sitting on his couch with his work clothes, watching TV, his phone is out of reach on the desk. He looks tired and his phone starts to ring, he doesn't answer, the call ends and the phons rings again." I suggest "showing, not telling" in your action lines. That means you show that a character is doing something, not tell that they're doing it. Example: Instead of writing "He looks tired," you could write something like "He rubs his face and yawns a few times" or "He rubs his face and yawns a few times, fighting sleep."
In scene 2, Mark rushes from his house to his car. The location changed, so add a new scene heading.
In scene 3, the doctor tells the sister, "She probably won't make it, and if she will she will be a plant and probably won't remember a single thing." I think a doctor would say, "she will be a plant."
The sister seems important to the story, so I suggest giving her a name.
Some of the dialogue needs work. It sounds awkward/stiff, like when the sister says, "Well she is my mother too you idiot, she brought me to this fucked up life, so I need to see her says goodbye to this world. I will go buy me some snack want some?" And in scene 3 when Mark says "Well I better be going far from you, before I be calling tantrums." Reading the dialogue out loud can help with that.
And some of your dialogue is "on the nose"/too direct, like when the sister says, "you make me feel guilty" in scene 3. Try to add subtext in the dialogue. Here's a post that could help you with writing dialogue: www.stage32.com/lounge/screenwriting/Dialogue-Tip-Write-it-On-the-Nose-F...
I suggest making your action lines more appealing. Like "Sister leaves" in scene 3 for example. You could say "Sister strolls out the room, looking around at everything nosy" (but that depends on her personality -- she might not be a nosy person).
In scene 3, Mark leaves the hospital room and goes outside. The location changed, so put a new scene heading.
The script starts off boring, but it picks up when Mark gets the phone call, when he goes to the hospital, and when Mark and his sister talk, and the scene when Mark talks to the man outside the hospital. You did a great job showing that Mark is conflicted with how he feels about his mom, and you did a great job setting up the dysfunctional relationship between Mark and his sister.
I suggest adding more info to your profile bio. People will feel more comfortable networking and collaborating with you if they know what you look like. And if you have a picture, your profile will show up when someone searches for you. A detailed bio will help you build relationships/network on here. You could add things to your bio like why you became a screenwriter, your accomplishments, your goals, and what movies and shows you like.
Also, I’m a Stage 32 Lounge Moderator. I wanted to let you know I moved your other post (www.stage32.com/lounge/screenwriting/Movie-script-7) from the Screenwriting Lounge to the Your Stage Lounge so members in the Screenwriting Lounge won't give you feedback on the wrong version of your script.