Screenwriting : “Friends, what could be improved in this scene?” by Aleksandr Rozhnov

Congratulations on the writing job, Aleksandr Rozhnov!

I like the twist at the end of the scene. I didn’t see that coming at all!

I suggest breaking up the first paragraph into smaller paragraphs.

I suggest describing John’s personality when you introduce him.

I think the dialogue throughout the scene is on the nose/too direct. I suggest adding subtext. And the dialogue is exposition. Exposition is fine, but I suggest delivering it in a more entertaining way, like having John and/or Joseph doing something more entertaining as they talk.

“Thank you very much. I see what you mean — the dialogue needs to be more engaging. I’ll think about it. Thanks a lot!

You're welcome, Aleksandr Rozhnov. I think your scene is a good start.

Maurice, then I have a question, if I may. What could they talk about? In this scene, the boss and his right-hand man are just having a conversation, and the boss is relaxing while his right-hand man is next to him. So, what could they be talking about right before the boss is killed?

They could talk about the same things they're talking about, Aleksandr Rozhnov, but you could add subtext and have Joseph doing something more entertaining. Maybe texting on the phone (which could make the reader think he set up the boss getting killed), playing a shooting game on his phone (which would foreshadow the boss getting shot without spoiling the twist), or doing something that's important to the story later in the script.

Maurice, thank you so much. I just got an idea on how to make the dialogue more vivid and also reveal who John really was in the past. He’s a killer. Thank you very much — you really inspired me

You're welcome, Aleksandr Rozhnov. Great! Glad to help.

Aleksandr Rozhnov Pardon my brevity and directness. The dialogue is very stiff and does not have genuine ring to it. Why is Joseph in the scene? How did he get there? They obviously know each other why isn't the dialogue more intuitive?

There is a lot going on in the scene with the naked girls. Why are they there?

Yeah I get the attraction, but you need to have that conveyed with some interaction prior to the pool scene. As a cold open on a single page I suggest you have some reaction post assasination.

The PRINCESS BRIDE line 'As you wish." is wasted. Joseph is already subordinate and frankly uninteresting. Perhaps he could suddenly man-up once John is dead floating in a bloody pool that slowly spreads (Think SUNSET BLVD) creating a short dwell on the mystery of how he came to be shot.

As for action descriptions, the opening scene, give some purpose and personality to the milieu of people. They don't just 'run' and 'bathe' and 'drink'. Create some interaction to these otherwise cardboard cutout characters.

as someone else stated, you could rework the opening paragraph by combining some details and leaving some repetitive/unnecessary info.

dialogue is basic and too formal for two folks so familiar with each other, but could work with a few tweaks…if John is a former killer (and seemingly rich and powerful) maybe adding some indication of how Joseph feels about him to drive that home.

Thank you all so much for the advice. I just forgot to mention — the genre is a thriller, not a psychological drama

How’d you get the idea for quotes?

I’m not sure I fully understood your question. Which quotes are you referring to?”

I understand my mistake. Probably, you should never post just one scene from a film, because for some reason everyone interprets it as the whole movie. This is just one scene, yes, and I did make a mistake there — I didn’t show that the murdered character was a former killer, even though the whole film is built around killing killers. I’ve already corrected that dialogue.

But in the first scene, talking about some investments or other stuff instead of establishing that killers are being eliminated… you can think for yourself whether that would work. Joseph, who was not supposed to be killed, appears at the end of the film in a completely different role. Well, not completely different — more like a savior, you could say. Something like that.

Actually, I won’t do this anymore, because for some reason everyone takes one scene as the entire film.

And the most interesting thing is that not a single writer asked me what the film is actually about. How can anyone give advice if they don’t even know the story of the movie?

It's fine to post one scene and get feedback on it, Aleksandr Rozhnov. Other writers don't need to read the whole script or know what it's about to give feedback on a scene. We're giving feedback on one scene, but it can be applied to other scenes too.

Each scene in a movie should be able to stand alone. Scene needs rewrite, less descriptions about pool. More dramatic build up to final action of bullet in the head. What is tension between characters? Use more descriptive nouns. He rises, strutting to the pool. Focus more the characters action and motivation.

A Contract!

Sorry, I was advised here to kill Joseph, even though he only appears at the end of the film. I was also advised to change the dialogue because it’s “flat.” But the point of this scene is that John is being killed, and the scene is specifically about that. Any viewer is unlikely to remember what they were talking about—the impact comes from the fact that he’s killed. Talking about investments or something else just doesn’t make sense in this context.

Also, showing Joseph’s depth here isn’t necessary because Joseph is the way he is. I don’t need to explore the character’s depth in this scene. How can writers judge an entire film based on a single scene if they don’t even know what the film is about?

For example, the film Armageddon is about an asteroid heading toward Earth, and the characters talk about that. If the film were about Harris wanting to grow his company or do more drilling, the characters wouldn’t be talking about the end of the world and how to save Earth. You have to understand what the film is about.

When someone asks what wheels are best, you should at least ask what they are for—an airplane, a bicycle, or a car—before giving advice.

"He rises, strutting to the pool." This sentence mixes Present Participle (strutting) and Present (rises) tenses. A suggestion to stay in Present and Active Voice.

Besides, the action of rising is not needed. "He struts to the pool."

As for the sample, the Actions are overwritten and too dense. As others noted, the dialogue is overly expository and a tad flat.

Thank you so much. I’ll review the -ing endings again and remove the unnecessary ones. I also slightly rewrote the dialogue and revealed a bit more about who John is. Thank you very much!

Aleksandr Rozhnov Free advice: Regarding notes, read them, act on them or ignore them. Then present your rewrite. Arguing with the readers who give the notes indicates you are missing the point of getting notes. As for judging the screenplay from the single page provided, no one here is psychic.

You’re right—it's impossible to judge a screenplay based on a single scene, and no one can really do that. However, most of the notes I received I can’t apply, because they would affect the entire script. The only thing I changed was adding a dialogue between John and Joseph, where John explains he’s buying this painting for a former love, whose husband he was once hired to kill—and he did. She loves Monet, and now he wants to gift her a Monet because he fell in love with her, though he never admitted to killing her husband.

Everything else I can’t adjust yet, but I will study the actions further. I’m writing the screenplay almost like an instruction manual, describing what the characters do. I might also review some details to see if they’re unnecessary—for example, “stands up, walks” might be simplified to just “walks.”

But in any case, thank you very much for your feedback.

You know, I reread the scene again, and… well, the naked girls part — that really is a cliché. That was my mistake. Let me ask you this: if I change the scene so it happens in the evening, during a party where the girls are dressed, and John gets drunk and decides to take a swim, and then when he jumps into the pool he gets shot — do you think that works better? It would all happen at night, not during the day.

The pool scene I think needs hyping. John and Joseph need to be more dangerous. I like the shooting. I would read the next couple of pages

what software do you use.?

I don't think changing the time of the day and the clothes would have much of an impactful on the scene, Aleksandr Rozhnov, unless the time change and their clothes tie into the boss getting killed or something. Maybe have the women do something that ties into the shooting like taking the boss to a specific spot in the pool so the shooter will have a clear shot, if it fits your story.

Friends, forgive me if I misunderstood some of your comments. I will be rewriting this scene — it will now take place in the evening, with slightly different dialogue and action. If you’d like, let me know and I’ll post the revised version.

Also, just to clarify: right after this comes one short scene where Joseph is questioned by the police — and that’s it. There is no continuation with these two scenes, because the whole point is simply to show that former hitmen are being eliminated. After that, the main characters are completely different — other hitmen who haven’t been killed yet, and they will be the ones dealing with the problem.

Thank you very much for your comments. I realized I really do have mistakes here, and I’ll be fixing them all. If you’d like to see the updated scene, just let me know and I’ll definitely post it.

You're welcome, Aleksandr Rozhnov. Yeah, post the revised version when it's ready.

Friends, here’s how I see it. The women in the scene either need to be changed — for example, dressed for an evening party instead of naked — or cut out altogether. Because if they are actively involved in the plot, then the story thread has to continue.

But my goal is very different: I only want to show these first two scenes, and then that thread ends. The only connection is that John gets killed — that’s it. If I involve the women more, then it immediately turns into a detective storyline that needs to be developed further. And I don’t want to develop a detective subplot here.

This is a thriller. After these two scenes, the main characters are completely different, and the story moves in another direction. In this opening, the purpose is simply to show the killing. Nothing more — no continuation, no new arcs, no subplot.

Do you understand what I mean?

One can judge writing ability and style from a single page.

Whether the writer is describing a movie instead of telling a story is also immediately obvious.

Aleksandr Rozhnov I feel like the environment and the moments right before he gets shot could be explained in a more poetic way to build the tension. For example, instead of 'Why do you look so gloomy and angry?', maybe there’s a different way to phrase it that actually reveals something about who John is — like a line that tells us more about his past or his state of mind. Also, maybe someone could drop a kind of memorable quote right before he dies, something that sticks with the audience. And when he says 'I am ready to give you a lot,' it sounds a little too formal; maybe there’s a more unique or character-specific way to say this that will make it land harder.

The scene is excellent in terms of structure, but there are a few questions. Allow me to ask them, then answer them in your mind and rewrite accordingly.

— Okay, the description of the mansion and specifically mentioning the red Ferrari: will this add anything to the plot later on? If yes, then the description is great. But if not, remove it and allow the director to imagine the appropriate setup.

— The description of the naked girls running in the garden and specifically drinking cocktails: this is a good direction, but too specific. Make it more general and let the team imagine the suitable party atmosphere.

— The description of John’s clothing in such detail: if it won’t serve any purpose later in your script, then it restricts the creativity of the costume designers during production. Allow them to do their job instead of doing it for them. But if your detailed choice of his outfit has a narrative purpose later on, then that’s fine. If it’s only to show his extreme wealth, then it’s overdescribed.

So, my friend, what I mean is: the structure of the scene is excellent, but you have weighed it down with excessive description.

Thank you all very much — I will be revising this scene.

Let me explain: I showed the Ferrari and described John in detail mainly to underline his wealth. But I forgot to show that he was a former hitman. I’ve already rewritten the dialogue to reveal that part of his past.

Still, I realize I made several mistakes. The women will be cut out completely — they don’t serve the story, there is no continuation to these scenes, and they are too cliché. I’ll also rethink John’s description.

So yes, I’ll be rewriting this scene. If it’s okay with you, I’ll post the new version here, and you can tell me if it’s improved and works better.

Thank you again — you’re all amazing, and your feedback has been incredibly helpful.

And one more thing I wanted to share: my writing style may feel a bit different, because I’m from Ukraine and I still tend to write the way screenwriters here usually do. But I really appreciate your feedback, because you’re showing me how writers approach it in America and Europe.

Let me explain. For example, when I show the Ferrari and describe John’s clothes, my goal was to underline that he is wealthy. Some of you mentioned that if something doesn’t move the plot forward, it shouldn’t be in the description. But from my perspective, it does move the story and also reveals character — which feels important to me.

Still, I have a question: would it be better just to write “an expensive car stands in the yard” and let the director or production team decide what kind of car it is? Or is it okay to specify something like “a red Ferrari”? I’m used to being very specific — naming the model, the color, and so on.

As for dialogue, I see now where I made mistakes, and I’ll be gradually rewriting those parts.

Thank you so much again — I’m really learning a lot from you.

How did you get the commission? Thanks!

I can’t really say yet, I need to finish the work first. If everything comes together, I’ll share later how I got this commission. But I should say right away, there’s still no guarantee that this script will be bought — I have to complete it firs

Aleksandr Rozhnov

This is an excerpt from The Godfather script. I included it here to clarify the idea: notice that the writers did not drown themselves in the details of the wedding. They didn’t describe the floating balloons, nor did they go deep into specifying the clothes in precise detail. Their directions for the scene were general and simple, yet the directing came out enjoyable and impactful for everyone.

What the writers focused on were not superficial details, but small, meaningful actions — like Corleone pinching the children’s cheeks to give his character a distinctive touch.

My friend, keep your descriptions broad, and only go into detail when it is truly necessary. And remember: what takes shape in your imagination doesn’t matter to the producer, the director, or anyone else on the team; what matters is what your text sparks in their imagination.

completely agree with you, but you chose a crowd scene. Of course, in such a scene, you wouldn’t describe every actor’s movement. For example, in a fight scene, you don’t detail who hit whom or how everyone grimaced. You describe the overall scale of the action, highlighting only small, meaningful details.

It’s the same with my scene. Yes, I will remove the girls, but I wasn’t describing where each of them went, when they drank, or when they smiled, and so on. I understand this and will correct it. What I intended to convey was the description of John and the mansion. I also specified the Ferrari on the property and that it belongs to John, to emphasize that he is a wealthy man. I consider this important because it shows how a former hitman now lives—rich and flaunting his money.

I left a comment on the page where the scene launches.

Guys, look. Maybe I didn’t quite get it across. Yes, from his surroundings and behavior, it’s clear that John is rich. But through the dialogues, I wanted to show that he throws money around. He’s not a wealthy businessman. He’s not a stingy rich guy. He just splashes money everywhere. And that’s what I wanted to show.

And guys, I’m telling you. John’s role is just to kick off the plot. That’s it. Even if the film gets made and people leave the theater, I don’t even want them to remember him. His death is what sets the story in motion. After that, it’s completely different characters, a completely different story. He just launches the plot with his death. That’s all. His role ends there.

First part, huge text wall… I'd break it up into 3 shorter ones: setting, John, Joseph.

You can pare down beginning part of the dialog by having them look at a catalog of art and the first line can be Joseph "You're really throwing money around and the heat's getting closer."

Ending text box, I'd seperate out the John landing in the pool dead as the girls scream. It's a key image, let it breathe with its own action lines. With the previous cuts, it could all still fit onto one page with that page-end twist that's is really good for an opener.

E Langley I confess I have no idea what or who you are addressing.

E Langley, let me explain why I behave the way I do. I’m a person, unlike you, who has stories, and these stories have a certain structure and a certain meaning. That’s why I don’t argue and I don’t say that people who give me advice are wrong. They just don’t fully understand what I mean and what line and what story I’m telling. I understand why you don’t publish, because there’s nothing to publish. And you are afraid of criticism, because you won’t be able to answer it. But I simply can answer it, because I understand what I’m writing. That’s all.

Whatever all that means.

The only thing directed in your direction was the initial criticism. So, cool your jets, Jack.

If you're looking for actionable criticism and advice...this is not the right forum.

Hi everyone, Ashley here, Head of Community at Stage 32. I wanted to jump in and offer a reminder that Stage 32 is an English-language platform, and for consistency and moderation purposes, all comments that are not in English have been removed.

Here at Stage 32, we work hard to foster a supportive and safe space for all creatives, whether you’re a seasoned professional or brand new to the entertainment world. When comments turn negative, especially when they stray from the original topic, it can discourage others from joining the conversation or sharing their own thoughts and experiences.

Let’s bring it back in and move forward in a positive and professional direction. If you don’t feel you can do that, please take a step back and join another discussion where you can contribute in a productive way.

Thanks to everyone who’s here in good faith to support one another. This community thrives because of you.

Hey, Michael Elliott 2 - you're from my hometown area! Although I'm from NoVA, when you're in LA, anyone in the DMV feels like "home" LOL Just to interject - do you feel like the Writers' Room Lounge is a better fit than the Screenwriting Lounge? I see you're a member there.

I think your comment is a bit broad and inaccurate, so let's get specific:

1) IF you seek FREE feedback, then you are choosing the FAST/CHEAP version of feedback (of the Production Triangle), so ANY forum is not going to give you the best advice because readers are VOLUNTEERING their time. The responsibility is then on the writer to decipher what is good, accurate, and actionable.

2) IF you seek low-cost feedback, like Industry Coverage, then you increase the quality of the notes, but decrease the timeliness of them - you receive them in 3 days instead of 3 hours - https://www.stage32.com/scriptservices/coverage/buy?id=23

3) IF you seek the BEST QUALITY FEEDBACK, then it will be the highest cost if you want it fast, or a more reasonable cost if you're willing to wait. Getting feedback from a named person (not random) in the industry (so can speak to the craft AND the business), is the best possible form of feedback on one's writing. And seeing as you could select your reader for $150 as opposed to a random reader for $100, there are LOTS of opportunities to find actionable feedback with a worthwhile pricetag: https://www.stage32.com/scriptservices/coverage/buy?id=2

HOWEVER, no one wants to spend this money until they've spent some time on their draft, otherwise they waste money early in the process, SO feedback before this paid step makes sense.

HOWEVER, if the feedback before the BEST feedback is industry coverage, then you may only be able to afford 3 rounds before you have to revise, which might not give you enough perspective.

SO, receiving FREE feedback from your writing peers - at ANY stage - is worth your time, including and especially from the Screenwriting Lounge, because it gives you the largest pool of perspectives to pull from, whether you're in an early draft or an early career writer. If those notes don't seem actionable, consider that you, the writer, need to get better at deciphering "the note behind the note". Otherwise, accept the natural consequence of asking for free feedback - yes, you have more notes, but no not all of them are going to be super helpful, and what help can be found is on you to determine. In fact, the biggest help may simply be a CONSENSUS, which will cost a pretty penny if you attempt to find it at any other stage.

Finally, as someone who has been part of the Stage 32 Team for over 5 years and part of the community for even longer, please remember - we WANT you to find your tribe here. So, please, find your people, create a Script Feedback Group - or join us in the Writers' Room, I lead one there - and get your feedback from a smaller, curated group that way. Still a pool, still free, just built to weed out what you may deem "unactionable feedback".

In the meantime, you can still post in this Lounge (forum) to continue to look for the people you groove with. Casting the net wide at the lowest possible price point keeps this process and the industry accessible, and ultimately, that's what we intend on Stage 32.

Guess I should have been more specific. I've used script consultation and feedback since I joined in 2022. I wasn't referring to that which I endorse. I meant that to just leave it out in the open the way he did for comment from anyone is not a way to get insightful feedback.

Okay, cool. Thank you for clarifying Michael Elliott 2 I just didn't want comments to discourage readers from engaging in peer feedback especially when that's one of the biggest things a community of writers can provide one another. In fact, giving feedback on each others' loglines is a great way to give something of value to new contacts and can go a long way to building rapport: https://www.stage32.com/loglines

And I would tend to agree that sharing pages in a post is not the best way to receive feedback, especially since this is a public forum. However, I do encourage members to ask for script exchanges. Peer-to-peer feedback can be super helpful, you just have to be prepared for the increase of time commitment with the benefit of no financial requirement. Then again, I do have a pretty great pool of writers to pull from after my years being a part of the Writers' Room, so I acknowledge my bias ;-)