So, this coming Saturday I'm participating in Twit-Pitch, and I feel I got a doable draft of my 135 character long logline down, but it would be awesome with some feedback from the more experienced people roaming this wonderful site. "In an America ruined by mutated dogs, an ex-assassin searches for his fiance, and to settle the score with an old rivaling agency." Thanks in advance! Joshua Adams
Screenwriting : Twit-Pitch Logline Feedback. by Joshua Adams
Twit-Pitch Logline Feedback.
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The problem is that it's limited to 134 characters, so there's really not that much room to go deeper into describing.
I'd drop the 'ing' from "rivaling" to make it an "old rival agency". Maybe even drop 'old' or replace with 'once'. "...to settle the score with a once rival agency." Frees up some characters as well. To Princess' point, I'd also open with the ex-assassin. Something like "An ex-assassin frantically searches an America ravaged by mutated dogs for his fiance and to settle a score with an old rival agency." (133 characters) Also, is his fiance kidnapped by the old rival? If so, is there a way to tie the two together? "An ex-assassin frantically searches an America ravaged by mutated dogs to free his fiance from an old rival agency." (115 characters) Then, you might even be able to add an adjective for the ex-assassin.
The Princess is here! Love it. I will let others chime in, but the first thing I noticed is that it doesn't speak to the challenge the hero faces. When confronted with (this) our hero does (this) only to discover (this)...
Thanks a lot for the inputs everyone, very highly appreciated! I'm gonna take all of this into consideration, talk a bit with Miss Princess and hopefully come up with something much better than what I got. @Matt Tucker: Genius suggestion! Sounds much more professional and descriptive. The plan is that she's kidnapped by the rival agency yes, but that's not something our protagonist knows, as his memory is gone. All he knows is that this woman meant the world to him at some point. So basically it's a part of a bigger "mystery". @Richard Botto: Thanks a lot for taking the time to help out! Definitively gonna rework the logline around this great piece of advice.