Screenwriting : Logline feedback anyone? by Eric Ian Steele

Eric Ian Steele

Logline feedback anyone?

I received some great feedback off people on Stage 32 so to return the favor, if anyone wants feedback on a logline, let me know and I'll do my best to look at it.

Mark Moosick

Hi Eric, do you mind looking at mine ?

Eric Ian Steele

Hi Mark. I've placed the comments under the logline. Hope this helps.

J. Ralph Fisgus MD

How can I send you mine to eyeball?

J. Ralph Fisgus MD

How is this log line - Dead people begin appearing in Hammonsville, NH after a strange object falls from space into their lake. Is it time for the resurrection or something more sinister.

Eric Ian Steele

Sounds like an intriguing story. My kind of genre, actually. But it reads more like a setup or an idea than a logline. I would want to know who is the protagonist in all this. Is it a cop, a detectve, a scientist etc.? What is their flaw? What obstacles do they come up against, and who (or what) is out to stop them? And what is the strange object? Is it a UFO or something else? Don't be afraid to be specific and to give away the best part in the logline, even if the story is a mystery.

Eric Ian Steele

If anyone wants me to take a look at their logline I would suggest placing the logline on your "Loglines" section and letting me know about it, or you can just add it to this discussion thread. Cheers!

Lee Jay Iddings

Here ya go... "High school is full of memorable moments. For Riley Duncan and his group of friends, the weeks between spring break and prom prove that a cow, a dumpster dive, and one strange Echo will create events they’ll retell for a lifetime."

Wade Taylor

Leon Brumby, these seem more like synopses than log-lines. Log lines should be short and to the point. X wants Y, but Z is in the way.

Mike Sheppard

Wade is right. These are not log lines. No more than 25-30 words, and it has to hook you in.

Eric Ian Steele

Okay, Stage 32 doesn't allow me to reply to the individual comments. It only lets me add to the end of the discussion. So I will leave wall messages for the above people with feedback.

Eric Ian Steele

Mike, I agree. Some of these sound like synopses or even pitches. A good logline is short. preferably one sentence or two, and as close to 25 words as you can get. Having said that. I've gone as high as 50 words, depending on who you're trying to attract. But shorter is definitely better, as it makes you get to the core of the story. Also, a common thing I'm finding is that a good logline highlights how the story is UNIQUE in some way. Whether it's the hero's qualities, the story world, or some unexpected twist. Why is THIS story different from all the rest?

J. Ralph Fisgus MD

I hear - so let's try this. Dead people begin showing up in Hammondsville, NH when a UFO lands in their lake. Is it the resurrection or something more sinister? Sheriff John Harris struggle to find the truth is complicated when his beloved wife returns from the grave. ....boy this is hard trying to keep this short!

J. Ralph Fisgus MD

The script title is "Invaded" - just finished my umteenth rewrite and finally got the kinks out - it's my first screenplay - any advice the best place to pitch? Blacklist?

Eric Ian Steele

Ralph, I would cut out the mystery. Get straight to what's really going on. If the UFO reanimates dead people, say so. Don't hold anything back. Like the story, by the way, especially the Sheriff's predicament. Are these zombies or living people?

Eric Ian Steele

As for where to place it, I would hold off until your marketing materials are perfect. Maybe I'll open another Lounge post on that topic.

J. Ralph Fisgus MD

More specific? A UFO crashes in a remote lake in NH, blacks out the whole NE US and begins re animating the dead. The resurrected don't know they were dead or that creatures lurk within them waiting to kill. Sheriff Harris battle is complicated with the resurrection of his beloved wife. I really appreciate your help!

Kimite Cancino

Id love to post a pitch for my story idea, but Im not ready. I love following ur post. Its very kind of u to help ppl @ Eric. Oh, and at Leon, I like the DELIRIOUS DECEPTIONS story idea. It has a Now concept, and sounds exciting.

J. Ralph Fisgus MD

Eric - thanks so much for your help - ill work on it. I wish you much success!

Marios Christodoulou

Hi Eric, I was wondering if you could have a look at my loglines and give me some feedback? Thank you

Lee Jay Iddings

Eric, here is one I dug up? "For love-struck Riley Duncan, the weeks between spring break and prom prove that the lessons learned on the back of pickup truck, a dumpster dive, and one strange Echo will become the events he’ll retell for a lifetime."

Eric Ian Steele

Kimite: thank you. Raph: good luck. Lee: that sounds better. What is the lesson he learns? I guess that's the spine of your story. And what is the strange "Echo", and why is it capitalized? I know you're trying to entice the reader, but loglines strangely don't work that way. Give us the steaming guts of your story. I don't think you actually need to specify the individual incidents, just that he learns this particular lesson over the course of the season. And you need an antagonist - someone (or something) that keeps him from learning the lesson - to make the logline complete. But I think it's getting there!

Lee Jay Iddings

You're killing me Smalls!!!

James David Sullivan

Okay, check mine out on my profile.

Eric Ian Steele

James, will do. Apologies to everyone for any late replies. Been pitching my socks off all weekend and am now getting back on track slowly.

James David Sullivan

I hope all the pitches turn out the way you want them to! Best of luck!

Eric Ian Steele

Thanks James. One was at 1:30 in the morning UK time, so I was half asleep, but otherwise it was a great experience. :)

Lee Jay Iddings

excuse my ignorance, is there a "Hollywood" of the UK? A certain place where every thing is localized?

Eric Ian Steele

London, mainly. Although Manchester boasts the BBC and some impressive production facilities. They filmed the old New York street chase scene in Captain America here.

James David Sullivan

Only in show business could anyone even dream of making England look like New York!

Lee Jay Iddings

I'm hoping the trip at the end of the summer pans out, you're gonna hafta buy me a pint!!

Tony Cella

Logline: A nerdy punk rocker, with a history of attracting unavailable women, meets the girl of his dreams, who appears to be single.

Tony Cella

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

James David Sullivan

Sounds a lot like "Rock of Ages" - what makes your script different?

Eric Ian Steele

Tony, the hero sounds pretty unusual. But the conflict is missing. What is stopping him getting the girl? Does she frown upon his lifestyle? Is there someone else in the way (sounds like it, as you say she only "appears" to be single). Is it a boyfriend? Overprotective parents? I'm told that to achieve a "High Concept" logline (i.e. one that's easy to sell) you need HERO + GOAL + ANTAGONIST as a bare minimum. It also helps if you throw in a UNIQUE STORY ELEMENT and IRONY.

Tony Cella

@James: I've never seen Rock of Ages, but the rock music isn't a big element of the film. The main character is also into punk rock, not traditional rock and roll. @Eric: Good point. Here's a revision: After an adolescence of plagued by attracting attached women, a nerdy punk rocker meets the girl of his dreams. Despite their strong connection, her relationship status remains unknown as the protagonist moves closer to asking her out.

James David Sullivan

Tony, I don't think that a movie that has a backdrop of punk rock, rather than rock & roll, would change things that much, especially since you indicate that the "music isn't a big element of the film". By the way, you have a typo in your revised first sentence: "adolescence of plagued". It's just a suggestion, but I think it would be worth your while to have seen "Rock of Ages" and know how to describe how your story differs from that one. There's no doubt in my mind that anyone who you pitched the story to would ask you how your story is different from "Rock of Ages", and stating that it's punk rock rather than traditional R&R is not enough, in my opinion. I agree with Eric. The conflict is missing. Other than the punk rock background, what makes that any more interesting than anyone finding someone new? Lots of women are in the process of divorce, etc., all the time. That's what a reader wants to know if he or she is going to get interested in your story. There are many Web sites dedicated to listing loglines, and the number of loglines on these pages is typically hundreds or even thousands. Yours has to stand out somehow.

Tony Cella

Thank you for the feedback. I'll watch Rock of Ages over the weekend and see if there are any similarities.

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