SCREENPLAY LOGLINE, NEED YOUR FEEDBACK PLEASE...... A glitzy pool party and a simple introduction, remarkably brings four successful females from different means of life, into an amazing road of sisterhood, a calm to the challenges they face, closure upon the obstacles they fear and triumph within a new and extended family. Your feedback will be most appreciated, even if you bring your "axe" to the Garden Party =)
Screenwriting : Miami Isles by Kalisa Moore
Miami Isles
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Extra points for quoting me. :) Now, hefting the axe... Too many commas. "A chance meeting at a glitzy pool party sends four successful women from different walks to life on an amazing road to sisterhood..." You can drop at least the first two commas. I might tighten up the end part too, but there are far more talented logline writers on this board than I. I defer to them. But on the plus side, it succeeds in giving me an idea of the sort of story you're telling, and does make me curious to learn more. That's the most important aspect of any logline. So, on the right track, just lose the extra commas!
Thank you for the great feedback and not bringing the axe =) I'm going to send you a network request..hope you will accept!
A strong logline should be around 20 to 25 words max. Usually one sentence and no more that two. That being said, every word has to be absolutely essential in describing your concept. Cut any unnecessary adjectives and adverbs, or "decorations" so to speak. If you have to dress up your logline to make it sound more interesting, then it probably isn't interesting. "A chance meeting sends four very different women on a journey to sisterhood." ~t
Pillowy yet somehow I see that which is pillowy. Ignore parameters. First Impression.
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Your logline sounds like a testimonial for a self-help group. Actually, a logline can be up to thirty words and sometimes you’ll use every one of them to convey a good one or two sentence summary of your story. I would totally junk this logline and come up with something far more compelling. What are the obstacles? You may want to define a few.
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Your description is good, but it seems like a really long sentence. You might want to shorten it, or make it 2. You can use the term, "unlikely friends" in place of "four successful females from different means of life". Another alternative, " A chance meeting brings together 4 unlikely friends as they embark on a new sisterhood, facing challenges, fear and triumph within their new found family." That's just my opinion. :-) Sounds like a fun story - I'd go see it.
Thank you for all your valuable feedback in re to my logline. I appreciate you taking the time and very pleased with the results!