Screenwriting : Here it is again by Lisa Beuk

I have too many questions when reading this. Tormented how - emotionally? Physically? Because of the snow storm? Is she stranded outside in the snow? In her own house? Someplace that holds the secrets to her past? Does she already know these secrets or does she discover them? Why is this man hunting her now? It sounds like the whole logline is your big climax scene, but I'm not sure what the movie is about. I think it still needs a little bit of work...

Thanks Danny. I just dont seem to be making any headway with this logline...

Remove the vague and give us concrete: "tormented women" "dark secrets of her past" "more ties to her than she knows". Tell us what these things are. Another element you need to consider are the Two Us: Unique and Universal. Though I can see elements that make this universal, I don't see any that make it unique. What is it about this story that is different than any other movie? That thing that intrigues us about the story idea itself? The hook? You want to highlight the hook in your logline.

Lisa try this and see if this helps you write it. For your story write one sentence with some details for each of these Who, What, When, Why and How. After that, take those and write out a couple of sentences that contain the protagonist, the inciiting incident, the objective and the stakes. Then smooth over the details and you've got it. A tormented woman stranded in a snow storm must face the dark secrets of her past to save her family from the ruthless man hunting them who has more ties to her than she knows. Who - Name her (We will call her Beth) What - Hunted by a man (We will call him Bob) When - During a snow storm Why - Dark secrets (She gave up there baby for adoption when he was in prison) How - ? (He will take her kids away from her) Detailed draft: Beth and her family visit her parents for Christmas. While picking up last minute grocery's she meets Bob, her ex-con old boyfriend. He follows her back and discovers her family. Thinking Beth's daughter is his, he kidnaps her. Now Beth has to find and rescue her daughter before Bob learns she gave his infant child up for adoption. Logline: When a woman's ex-con old boyfriend kidnaps her daughter during a blizzard, she must rescue her before he finds out she gave their baby up for adoption. Hopefully this example will help you develop your logline.

Bill Hunter thank you for the advise!! I am going to do this!! :-)

Interesting but I think for a logline it's a bit wordy. Try to condense more, I know, tough but you can do it!

Don't be afraid to use two sentences.

@Charles - I have read over a dozen interviews from producers and agents that say you need to put it all in one sentence. If you can't then it's not written right.

Good to know. I've been reading some loglines on here and have seen them done with two. It seems like she was trying to say too much in one line.

Lisa...I would put "Lost in a snow storm a woman and her family must escape a man from her past while unveiling some tormenting secrets along the way." this is assuming the man is from her past? I would let the readers figure out what the ties are themselves. Hope this helps and good job.

The norm is Viewers like to predict what's going to happen. So little is good. Don't give away too much.

Thank you to all who gave positive comments and advise! I am still learming and I listen to everyone willing to share tbeir ideas.

Lisa. That's what this is about. Creative thinking. All good. Tommy

allie ìt just depends on how Lisa reveals them to us. unveiling is another word for saying revealing.

No never give too much away, keep the reader wondering and curious by teasing them with a taste of suspicious action.

Just a thought: ( hope it helps) Stranded in a snow storm, a woman, tormented by her dark past is forced to confront that past in the form of a ruthless man hunting down the members of her family.