It's for a short film called "Feeders and Eaters": A mother's plan, a daughters ambition, and the extreme Hollywood diet of the future that brought them to the peak of fame, and down into the depths of darkness.
Screenwriting : Can I get feedback on this logline please? by Anna Lakomy
Can I get feedback on this logline please?
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Anna, after reading your logline I am still unclear on who what are your protagonist and antagonist are. I'm not sure what the goal of the protagonist is and what they have to loose if they don't reach their goal. If you wish to send a message I'm more than happy to help in any way I can. I'm also open to helping in here also. Regards,
It actually sounds more like a tagline than a logline. I agree with Gary that it is unclear what the story is about. Maybe something like, "A woman climbs to the peak of fame with the next extreme celebrity diet, only to have her daughter's ambition drag them into the dark underbelly of Hollywood."
I think that is Gary's point. It is unclear from the original tagline who is the antagonist.
Your logline has no verb, only subjects.
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How about... "An extreme Hollywood diet of the future brings a mother and daughter to the peak of fame and into the depths of darkness."