Anything Goes : The teen manifesto by Katherine Summers

If your day starts with attempts at trying to rouse your teen from sleep, be advised that pleasantries such as “Wakey, wakey, rise and shine”, or “ Darling, you’ll be late for school” will have no affect on the doona-encrusted teen. (Cold water does the trick!) Usually, it’s not until LATE has becomes REALLY LATE that there is any movement from the said offspring. At which point, there’s a flurry of activity directed mostly at the bathroom mirror and the-looking-for-of -socks. It’s best to lie low, sip your cappuccino and remain sanguine in the face of the bitter comment “Why didn’t you get me up on time?” In fact, I’ve compiled a teen manifesto: You’re the worst mum/dad/parent in the world! Why are you so embarrassing? Are you really going to wear that? You think you know everything You don’t know anything Old people are basically redundant Where are you? You’re late! Where’s my…? Can my friends’ sleepover? Can I have a party? Leave me alone Get out of my room Get out of my life I am not a child I can do what I want Don’t tell me what to do Don’t touch me This dinner is rank I don’t like bananas, why did you put a banana in my lunchbox? Why are you such a retard? You are so immature! Can I have your credit card? I need a new iPhone/ipad/Xbox Where are the car keys? What’s your PIN number again? MummMMMMMM! We all know why sage parents build ‘teen retreats’ don’t we? A further tip is to avoid eye contact, delegate problems on to ANY other breathing adult in the room and wait…preferably for several years, until they’re older and have reverted back to recognizable human form. © Feb 2015 All Rights Reserved (Katherine Summers is a creative writer and doodler, you can check out her work, or commission yours at katherinesummers.com.au)