Hi everyone,
I’m working on a Western script centered around Kain Thorne, a hunter on a dangerous quest to recover a mysterious treasure map. The story takes place in the unforgiving Old West, filled with violence, betrayal, and morally complex characters. The script includes explicit content, mature themes, and is intended for a mature audience.
Here’s a small excerpt from my script:
SCENE 1 - SHARPSHOOTER
EXT. HILL – DAY
KAIN THORNE kneels on a hill, his rifle aimed at a deer grazing in the valley below. He waits for the perfect moment… BANG!
The deer collapses. Kain walks down to thr deer, he gets to him and whistles sharply, his horse trots toward him. He slings the deer over the saddle, secures it, then mounts up and rides off.
SCENE 2 - THE SELLER
EXT. OPEN MARKETPLACE – DAY
Kain approaches a SELLER with the deer slung over his shoulder. He throws the deer on the counter.
KAIN Got you the deer.
SELLER Just one?
KAIN I told you if you'd pay better I'd get myself something to load on a pile of them. Because I got a whole lot where this sinner came from.
SELLER I ain't doing no charity. Especially not for crooks like you. And highlight on the Especially.
KAIN Your loss, pal.
The Seller hands Kain some money. Kain tips his hat in appreciation and walks off.
SCENE 3 - ESCORT
INT. A BAR/HOSTEL - AFTERNOON
The place is almost empty. Kain goes to a bar counter and sits on the bar chair.
KAIN Get me a shot of whiskey and that delicious chicken stick.
The BARTENDER gives Kain the whiskey shot. The man takes a shot.
BARTENDER Drinking before eating?
KAIN I like getting drunk fast.
BARTENDER Right on business.
The bartender gives Kain the chicken stick and he eats it.
Kain approaches an ESCORT WOMAN woman in the stairs.
KAIN What a man like me can do to get a woman like you.... what can you do to me so I will.... fuck it. I wanna fuck you.
ESCORT (seductive) Walk with me.
They go upstairs to a room she starts to take her clothes off.
KAIN I like my woman full with clothes.
ESCORT Your wish is...
KAIN (inturpts, uncaring) My command, yeah yeah. Cut the bulshit talk and let's fuck.
Kain starts to fuck her, she is laying on her back and he rides her. She gets out a knife slowly and tries to cut his throat, but he moves his throat in time and continues to fuck her but flats her wrists strong on the bed so she won't be able to move them.
KAIN What was that for? Huh? You like doing it with a risk? Cause I ain't.
ESCORT like you said cut the bulshit talk.
Kain spits on her while she talks and she swallowed it. She spits right back at his face and they begin a spit fight until he has enough.
KAIN enough.
Kain slaps her in the cheek it turns red.
KAIN Now I see why you like it. It's kind of fun.
Kain raises his arm and looks like he's about to slap her.
ESCORT Please don't.
Kain pays her and gets his pants back on and adjusts his jeans. He walks away and goes back to the bar counter.
KAIN Nice rooms you've got.
BARTENDER Want one?
KAIN Yeah.
BARTENDER (while he searches for the room keys in the counter. He gets one out.) It'll cost you 50 cent for one night.
BARTENDER Room number 10 is free to stay.
KAIN I'll take it.
Kain gives him the money and gets the key. He goes upstairs he is about to open the room door and looks at the room with the lady he was he thinks to himself if he should go there, he knocks on the door.
ESCORT (yells) Open.
Kain gets in.
KAIN How much you want to sleep with me?
ESCORT Thirsty for sex again? Already? After I tried to kill you? I don't think so. You up to something, cowboy.
KAIN I've got 10 dollars on me. How about that. And no, no sex.
ESCORT So you want me to just sleep with you? Nothing sexual for 10 dollars? What you are a sucker?
KAIN Some call me that, yes.
ESCORT OK.
KAIN Can you show me the knife.
ESCORT No.
KAIN I don't want you to murder me in my sleep.
ESCORT Same way around.
Kain goes to her and takes her knife from her pocket.
ESCORT (goes up) What are you doing?
Kain: Nothing.
Kain goes to the dresser and presses the knife blade against the edge of the dresser… the blade breaks and he picks it up.
KAIN You've got a shitty knife you know?
ESCORT It's a knife, I don't care about the quality as long as it slices and stabs.
KAIN It did nothing to me.
ESCORT I had bad luck. Now what you doing with that?
Kain opens the window and throws the blade from the window.
KAIN Now we're equal. And if you'll try murdering me while I'm asleep. You'll find yourself dead before me. So don't say I didn't warn you, cause I did.
She looks agitated.
I’d appreciate any thoughts, feedback, or suggestions from fellow screenwriters or collaborators. If you’re interested in working together or have any advice, feel free to reach out!
Copyright Notice:
© Oded Nave 2025. All rights reserved. This script is an original work and is protected under copyright law. Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this material without permission is prohibited.
1 person likes this
Here are some bold, evocative title suggestions for your Western script that capture the gritty, mature tone and central elements of Kain Thorne’s dangerous quest in the unforgiving Old West:
Blood and Dust
Highlights the violence and harshness of the setting, hinting at the stakes of the treasure hunt.
The Devil’s Map
Suggests a cursed or treacherous treasure map, tying into the moral complexity and danger.
Thorne’s Reckoning
Centers Kain Thorne’s name while implying a personal journey steeped in vengeance or redemption.
No Man’s Gold
Evokes the lawless pursuit of treasure and the toll it takes, perfect for a mature audience.
Iron and Ash
A visceral title that reflects the brutal landscape and violent clashes of the story.
The Black Trail
Mysterious and ominous, it hints at the dark path Kain Thorne must follow.
Sinners’ Bounty
Ties into the morally complex characters and the treasure as a corrupted prize.
Kain’s Curse.
Personalizes the story to the protagonist while suggesting the map brings doom.
Gravedust Bounty.
Combines death and reward, fitting the explicit, mature themes of betrayal and violence.
Hellbent Frontier
Captures the relentless drive of the hunter and the savage Old West setting.
These titles aim to grab attention, tease the story’s intensity, and appeal to an audience looking for a raw, adult-oriented Western.
2 people like this
I like the concept, Oded Nave, especially the “dangerous quest to recover a mysterious treasure map” part!
These scenes are the best/most interesting out of all the scenes you posted for feedback. And the dialogue in these scenes is the best.
Same note from my other feedback: I also suggest describing your characters' personalities when you first introduce them in the script. And their appearances and clothes/accessories if those things are important to the story. You don't have to take a lot of space describing their personalities, appearances, and clothes/accessories.
Similar note from my other feedback: Describe the locations. A setting is an opportunity to reveal important things about characters and the story.
Similar note from my other feedback: The escort seems important to the story, so I suggest giving her a name.
“She gets out a knife slowly and tries to cut his throat.” I wasn’t expecting that! Readers love when unexpected things happen in scenes. But I’m not sure what “like you said cut the bulshit talk” has to do with her trying to cut his throat.
In scene 3, it says “BARTENDER (while he searches for the room keys in the counter. He gets one out.) It'll cost you 50 cent for one night” and “BARTENDER Room number 10 is free to stay.” I suggest putting some action between the bartender’s dialogue or combining the dialogues.
Similar note from my other feedback (the “showing, not telling” note): In scene 3, it says, “She looks agitated.” I suggest “showing” that the escort is agitated, not “telling” us. You could write that as something like “She scrunches up her face and glares at him.”