Screenwriting : Does this Logline grab you? by Gregory Kauffman

It doesn't flow very well. Try saying it out loud and you'll see what I mean. You can say the same thing with the same words but in a sentence that flows off the tongue better. A Native American Merlin trying to save his people in 1870 Texas faces greed, betrayal and revenge in an oil fueled Arthurian tale. Not saying this is a good logline, just that it rearranges what you said in a more fluid manner. Hope that makes sense.

Hi I would omit a lot of the little words, I counted ten. Something like this "Arthurian tale of greed, betrayal and revenge. 1870 Texan culture becomes dominated by oil, a native Merlin sets to save his people from mercenary mayhem". Of course this is only my opinion, but it's the way I would do it. Good Luck with project.

Hey Gregory, my first thought about your logline is that it is "choppy" and unclear. Please forgive me, but it reads like a bad elevator pitch. I'm not really sure what's happening in the story. Or who it's about? There's also a strange mash up of ideas and cultures. I'm not sure what to make of "Native American Merlin?" Likewise, I find the phrase of "Arthurian tale" confusing and unnecessary. Is this a Western drama with some medieval, Arthur-like, underlining storyline or plot points? If so, leave that underlining element out of the logline. Perhaps allow that element to be discovered by reading the script. A logline basically should tell us who the story is about; what the situation is; and what is at stake; all with a hint of intrigue and/or irony. So, if the protagonist is the Native American, perhaps start with that character to give us the "who" then tell us "what has happened" and "what" he must do, or sacrifice, in order to save his people from "this" terrible event. Be clear about the stakes and construct the logline in one complete sentence -- not with strung together adjectives/phrases or sentence fragments. I hope that helps. :) Best wishes to you!

I think we're missing a sense of the plot -- what happens and who makes it happen? What is this Native American Merlin saving his people from? I'd start the logline with the central character and then give us a brief sense of what the conflict is, all in about 30 words max. And "Arthurian" is probably a bit literary for Hollywood (but don't tell them I said that...)

You're pitching theme and setting, not story. We need to know what the plot is about and what characters we are following.

But since you asked, the answer is No, it doesn't grab me. Not a story I'd want to read.

Thanks everyone. Good notes. I am surprised at the confusion about what the story is. "Arthurian tale" is a two word synopsis of the plot. I do appreciate the feedback.

Alle, what is a logline?

My version: Through greed, betrayal and revenge; Merlin sets out to save his people. But the "arthurian tale" is what comes off as boring and I would not go and see the movie. But it seems like you should find the heart of the conflict in the story and make it the logline. Doesnt seem like you picked good pieces of the story to summarize. Goodluck. Log line is usually one CATCHY full sentence about the story.

You might take a moment to look at the loglines of the finalist scripts from the 2013 Nicholl Fellowship competition (the Academy runs this). They're not always the best based on what how-to books pitch, but they're loglines that attracted the attention of industry readers/judges. Here's the link: http://www.oscars.org/awards/nicholl/fellows/fellows.html

Hi Gregory, I understand where your idea comes from. However not many people understand or like the concept of "Arthurian" stories unfortunately. This could be a real step back when you publish your idea. Probably if you go by " magic, greed, betrayal and revenge in Texas 1870, a witch doctor (or the name of a wizard in their culture or an approximate) sets on a quest to save his people before their whole world is lost" something like that could give a more interesting, and (sigh) commercial approach. Hope it helps.

Good suggestions. Thanks a lot.

As someone who's struggling myself, my opinion might not be worth much. But gotta agree with Richard. I see no plot or theme really.

@Richard Toscan Good suggestion

If I were reading the print ad in the movie listings, I can't tell what it is, I'd probably look for something that clearly told me what I was getting. And watch that instead. It's hard to spend $10.25 on an iffy movie when you know it will eventually be on Netflix. Please consider these points. 1. Greed, betrayal and revenge: These are Gordon Gecko words from Wall Street fame. 2. Arthurian tale, I guess you have to be more a thespian to get that one. I had to wikipedia it. Please note this quite is quite clear: British leader of the late 5th and early 6th centuries, who, according to medieval histories... (Now I get it. ) 3. in Texas, 1870, just as oil begins to dominate the culture: Medieval Texas discovering oil, only not in the 6th century but 1870 4. and a Native American Merlin set on saving his people: A Native American [real people] Merlin [fictional wizard] So you have Gordon Gecko, medieval leader from the 6th century hanging around oil rich Texas in 1870 butting heads with a fictional Native American trying to save his people. I guess it could work. But more importantly... Is that the story you're telling? CP

LOL C Peterson. That's amazingly accurate.

Your log line sounds heavy on character and atmosphere, with little regard to story. "save his people" is a bland at best in the 4 points of your log line and actually has to share point 4 with one of the main characters. So there's the weak spot. Why do his people need saving? What if they're butchers and thieves? Are they being saved from disease or predators or a sink hole? Quite foggy on that detail. Save his people, is the story driver.. think of it as the motivator. It should either have a more prominent position in your log line or be beefed up a to incite a "I got to see that" reaction. N'est pas? Looking at your "Caddo Indian shaman causes a naive young blacksmith" I think it's the same thing. Heavy on character and atmosphere with an unclear story motivator.

How about: A young blacksmith living in St. Louis, in 1870, suddenly finds out he is adopted from a Caddo Indian medicine man, causing him to travel to Texas to find out the truth about his family; a truth full of greed, betrayal and revenge, concerning crude oil, that may or may not keep him from marrying the woman he loves.

That's pretty long Gregory. Your tale does sound intriguing though. I would recommend not using the second part "...a truth..." You do need to mention who the hero is up against, i.e. the antagonist. For a guide on writing a strong logline have a look here: http://logline.it/howto/

I've had a go at incorporating the different elements you need for a logline for your story. It might not be exactly what your story is about though, so just examine the characters, descriptions and conflicts in ti, and see how you can write your own version. Hope this helps :-) "When an insecure young man discovers he is the descendant of powerful medicine chief, he must discover the magic with himself before it is too late to save his family from an oil baron trying to steal their land."

I am flattered that you have taken the time and effort to help. @Phillip Parker That is not the story, but a very interesting summation from what you've been given. If you look at it in a certain way, it kind of is the story. @Brian Fitzpatrick This is kind of close, but captures none of the magic or the family story. None of my considerations about the loglines are important, though. What I would like to know is what would make you want to read the screenplay, if you had to pick mine or one of yours.

@ Phillip Parker -- I found your Website how-to reference very helpful. It helped me to refine my previous attempt. In 1870, a susceptible young blacksmith learns that he is adopted, causing him to travel to Texas town to learn the truth about his family, which makes him become so involved with a greedy and vengful grab for crude oil that he might lose the girl he loves.

A little wordsmithing: In 1870, a naive young blacksmith learns that he is adopted, causing him to travel to a Texas town to learn the truth about his family, which so embroils him in a fight against a greedy and vengeful grab for crude oil that he might lose the girl he loves.

In your logline you need to make sure there is a connection between your different elements Gregory. You mention he is a blacksmith, but in your logline it doesn't tell us why that is important. His job should be part of the solution or problem that is central to your story or don't put it in at all. Describe the hero in terms of his attitudes instead maybe, e.g. a cocky romeo, a lazy drifter, etc. Whatever your description, it should show us he is ill-suited to solve the problem at hand so we know he has to change to succeed. Also, the "lose the girl he loves" is a bit random and doesn't feel connected to the grab for oil.... or that he is a blacksmith. An example of 'connecting the elements in a logline' -- look at one for DIE HARD- a cop has to stop terrorists in order to save his wife (the bare bones version of that logline). See how those elements all relate to one another as a complete story? Hope that helps :)