Hi screenwriting friends! I'm Ariana, a writer and historian focused on stories rooted in early American history—specifically untold Black narratives that deserve the spotlight.
I am almost finished with my first feature screenplay, Echoes of Medford, and I’m hoping to submit to coverage services and competitions. I’d love feedback on my logline as I continue refining the project and getting it out into the world.
As the American Revolution looms, an enslaved woman on a Northern plantation silently gathers fragments of resistance—songs, stories, secrets—until a single choice forces her to decide whether survival is enough, or if she is ready to act.
If you have any thoughts on clarity, pacing, or emotional pull, I’d be grateful! And if you’re working on your own logline or historical drama, drop it below—I’d love to read what others are working on, too.
Thanks in advance and excited to be part of this community!
– Ariana
The first part of your logline is strong, Ariana Fiorello-Omotosho, but I suggest adding the main flaw she has to overcome or an adjective that describes her personality.
I think "until a single choice forces her to decide whether survival is enough, or if she is ready to act" is vague. What does she plan to do after she gathers everything?
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I have tried to revise based on this great feedback.
As the American Revolution looms, a guarded and observant enslaved woman on a Northern plantation quietly gathers stories, songs, and secrets of resistance—but when her community faces a moment of reckoning, she must decide whether to risk everything by turning memory into action or remain silent to survive.
I think your logline is better, Ariana Fiorello-Omotosho, but I think "gathers fragments of resistance—songs, stories, secrets" works better than "gathers stories, songs, and secrets of resistance." "Gathers stories, songs, and secrets of resistance" makes it seem like the resistance only applies to the secrets.
I suggest telling what the moment of reckoning is if you can sum it up in a few words.
"Risk everything by turning memory into action." What's the action?
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I understand. I need to fill in the vague with certainty which will help the audience understand the story.
As the American Revolution looms, a guarded and observant enslaved woman on a Northern plantation quietly gathers fragments of resistance—songs, stories, and secrets—but when a fellow enslaved person is brutally punished, she must decide whether to risk everything by speaking out and preserving what others would erase or remain silent to survive.
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... What "single choice"?
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I like that logline the best, Ariana Fiorello-Omotosho, but it's really long (54 words).
As the American Revolution looms, a guarded/observant enslaved woman on a Northern plantation quietly gathers fragments of resistance—songs, stories, and secrets—but when a fellow slave is brutally punished, she must decide whether to risk everything by speaking out to preserve what she found or remain silent to survive. (50 words)
I would use one adjective (guarded or observant).
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Ariana, haven't been here in a while, but I do think it's important to tell stories you are passionate about, as well as untold stories that deserve to have a light shed on them. I used to write a BLOG here at Stage 32 and I've met R.B. who created this site - he's Awesome! I've produced 18 Films, eight of which I've directed, worked with two Oscar-Winners and several Oscar-Nominees. You can look me up on IMDb, if interested. I only mention this, because you should prequalify people before you take advice. Now having said that I think your logline is too unclear. Look at the logline for a similar-themed movie in Hidden Figures: "Three female African-American mathematicians play a pivotal role in astronaut John Glenn's launch into orbit while dealing with racial and gender discrimination." There's nothing vague about it, unlike yours. I do have a coverage service, which I keep affordable and also do my best to give you tips to give yourself the best chance to get it made. Obviously, there are no guarantees, but I believe you can always put yourself in a better position with some guidance. If you're interested in coverage, free guidance or a free phone consultation, drop me an email at cinematicheroes@aol.com. I will say to STAGE 32ers, I'm not currently seeking unsolicited scripts for production, at this time, so please be respectful of that.
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Thank you for this feedback. I truly value honest critique as I do hope to submit my screenplay to competitions and fellowships.
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Hello. Nice way with words. From WHEN forward it reads like a logline, but dont say "decide". Describe her actions to achieve her goal.
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You have a great concept; it just needs to be tweaked. For example, it probably isn't necessary to start the logline with "As the American Revolution looms", that can be added in the first paragraph of your query. Perhaps the plantation should be in the South instead of the North, usually when slaves would try to escape it was to the North. Also instead of using "Quietly gathers fragments of resistance-songs, stories and secrets", you can make the stakes much higher for example, money, antique jewelry, a secretly coded blanket which is a map or a gun. Next add in something like an event that may expose whatever she's been hiding, and she has moments to make a decision to stay with her enslaved family or escape. just some examples that might help to punch- up the lines and show the ticking time bomb.
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If I may, I'd take some artistic freedom with the ending.
An observant plantation slave, caving in to violence, quietly plans resistance, until a fellow captive’s brutal punishment triggers her to risk everything and start the American Revolution.