Earlier I asked about log lines and what makes them good or bad. I read all of the comments and loved the feed back. After a bit of editing and brain storming I re wrote an old log line. Here is the results, but before I show it I just want to say please give your honest opinion no sugar coating. Thanks in advance! Log Line for my project "The Divorced": "On the eve of his baby sisters ninth birthday a gender confused teen is thrown into the unknown world of adulthood and the mind bending secrets that come with it when his estranged mother informs him that she and his off center step-father are divorcing after seventeen years."
Screenwriting : Is it a log line or is it rubbish? by Antonio James Casci
Is it a log line or is it rubbish?
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Keep chewing on it. It seems like you are trying to cram everything into one sentence. I don't think you should. Hit them with the poetry and nothing else...not one word more. Punchy punchy punchy. Pithy pithy pithy. That's my two cents comin' attcha. Hope it helps.
I like where John took this as a summary of your logline. I would only suggest thinking about an "in order to..." clause, otherwise the whole story sounds like drama for the sake of drama. Something along the lines of: "Growing up gender-confused is struggle enough, now [name] has to deal with the sudden fracture splitting his family apart." [if his gender-confusion is the central element]
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"A gender confused teen is forced to look after his younger sister pending the divorce of his estranged parents." I would say you're trying to cram too much detail in. you want to leave some mystery and allow the reader of your screenplay to have some surprises while reading. You just need to give a very general idea that will resonate with everyone like, being forced into being more mature while you are still immature and confused.
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"In order to" doesn't imply stakes. I always feel like the best log lines give characters and the stakes of their particular situations.