Screenwriting : Log line feedback and guidance by Douglas Esper

Try this:

"A punk rock drummer discovers her deceased mother’s last song and after playing at a concert, it goes viral, and she must stop her scheming father from selling the rights to a crooked music company."

Loglines are a formula of the protagonist, antagonist, main conflict, stakes, and potential outcome. The formula is very simple, yet the execution can be very tricky. Good luck.

Anthony, thanks. Yes, simple yet tricky, especially as it seems like each person wants it formatted in their specific way. I’ll take another crack at them.

Personaly I liked the 2nd one. It felt more personal and kept it'f feet on the ground.

As mentioned in the Script Revolution forums, the second one is actually really good.

Happy New Year, Douglas Esper! I like the second logline. I suggest changing "confront" to "stop." Great job on the logline.

Sounds like a really fun concept and road movie-- I can especially picture the grizzled roadies. Your second logline implies that it's not a pure drama, but more of a drama-comedy, because words like "scheming" and "grizzled roadies" employ some humor (which to me is always a good thing). But obviously I haven't read the script so I don't know. The second logline is better and clearer, but if she has a living father (even if estranged), most people would not consider her orphaned. And the age of the young protagonist is crucial-- makes a big difference whether she's 15, or 25. And as Maurice said, she should be trying to stop her father, not merely confront him. It also matters whether we sense that the dad's a pro musician (and the song is genius) so he can successfully exploit the song. The two loglines you provided also describe very different motives for the heroine. But using your second logline, it might be something like this: "After discovering her late mother's long-lost music demo, a 15-year-old punk rock drummer sets off with a podcaster and two grizzled roadies to stop her scheming father before he can steal her mother's last song." . Also, I wasn't sure: Is the story set during the punk rock era ('70s), or now? To me, it seems more likely that the dad would need to physically run off with a demo (in order to exploit it)-- and could be stopped before he releases the song-- in the punk rock era than now. Now, it would take him 30 seconds to email an MP3 of the demo to a record executive.

While the second log has a clear protagonist and goal, minimal conflict and interesting ensemble, the tone is unclear. Comedy or drama?

The backstory about the mother’s music demo and the father’s scheme is cumbersome and needs streamlining for faster comprehension.

Finally, what’s at stake if the protagonist fails?

If she has a father she is not an orphan. Make the villian an ex-boyfriend. Lead the logline with orphaned punk drummer, then her team and their mission.

Great points, Staton Rabin. I vote for your logline.

Thanks, Maurice Vaughan , Happy New Year to you, and all!

You're welcome, Staton Rabin. Happy New Year!

Thanks to all of you for the feedback, there’s a lot to chew on. It seems one of the main sticking points is the orphan bit. She is raised Hy and aunt and uncle as an orphan, but discovers (through her mom’s demo) that her father is alive (so technically she isn’t an orphan, but has been one her whole life up to this point. That hit has been hard to compress into an easy-reading sentence ;)

You're welcome, Douglas Esper. "Adopted" instead of "orphaned"?

How about "rescue her mother's last song?" Stealing it hits me weird. It makes me wonder whether this is a protagonist I could pull for.

It's good of course. To be great it might have to do what Indiana Jones did. Indy wasn't only up against one Belloq, but the entire massive Third Reich - who got there first.

A wannabe rock star drummer aims for a number one hit with her mother’s last song, provided she can reverse the deal that Motown just made with her scheming father.

I would have loved to give some alternative but I don't know the complete story. Still, I have something on my mind regardingthis loglinee:

First, we can change the perspective in which these loglines are written. There must be more words about the emotional connection between mother and the last song she wrote like "An orphaned rock drummer chasing stardom in the music industry got to know about the music history of his mother go on a journey to confront his selfish/money-minded father and so on"

The second thing is that rather than "the last song", it is good to say what difference it will make in the son's life or the mother's last wish.

A second shot:

"A punk rocker discovers that her long lost father is alive and must team up with grizzled roadies to stop him from selling her deceased mother's demo tape to a shady record company."

From the bits of information I gathered from the responses, this is closer to the story.

Anthony, nice. Seems to whittle it down even further. I'm going to play around with this set up, see if I can work on the tone/add a detail or two. Thanks for taking the time to give it a go!

As an adoptee, I like that premise, but that challenge, in addition to the music business struggles feels like there are 2 stories. I would pick1 of the 2 and would go with that.

Jed, thanks and yes, I probably bit off too much for my first screenplay, ha. The two storylines are intertwined and push each other forward, so it seems to have worked. Next step will be to have a few people read it and tell we what sucks about it. A sharp learning curve that maybe skipped a few steps, but...here I am. :)

Logline has Lots going on. Maybe combine the father & music publisher as one character. And how does song from dead mom change the music career of daughter drummer- stakes? Anyways GL

dan, good call. in the screenplay her father and the people stealing the song are connected, so maybe there is a way to show that without getting too long winded.