I've started the outline of my Superhero screenplay, and as is often the case, I went back to rethink the opening and got a little carried away. But since opening scenes are so important, I thought I'd trouble you for some feedback. Feel free to share your thoughts, but the main question is, does it suck you in and make you curious about what happens next?
EXT. OHIO RIVER VALLEY - DAY - AERIAL
High above southern Ohio, as we descend...
It’s summer in the Ohio River Valley, the trees are green and lush.
The Ohio River winds lazily between the forested banks of Ohio and West Virginia like a long, green snake.
Sporadic settlements and towns appear, separated by miles of woods and patches of tilled farmland. An idyllic oasis that reminds us of a more simple time.
The largest town for miles is Middleport, carved from the northern bank of the river and shaped like a giant tadpole. Across the river lies its little sister Mason, West Virginia, which boasts the Walmart Supercenter, just a short drive over the Pomeroy-Mason Bridge.
As we get closer we discover the river is brown, not green, a muddy mixture of dredged mud, acid mine drainage, and raw sewage.
As we now move along the river, signage dots the skyline advertising fast food, ice cream, coffee, and the soul-saving power of Jesus Christ.
Dead fish, discarded two-liter soda bottles, plastic shopping bags, baggies, balloons, condoms, and used syringes float on the muddy water. Testimony to the lifestyles of the poor, desperate, and disenfranchised.
Police and emergency vehicle lights flash on the West Virginia side, lining the road at the end of the bridge.
On the bank below, POLICE pull a BODY from the water and load it onto a stretcher.
PARAMEDICS begin the long climb to the top.
FADE TO BLACK
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hey Stephen... Ok, so you are writing too novelistically. Too much description and metaphors and detail about places the AUDIENCE isn't seeing. Remember, you are writing for someone watching whats on screen, not just reading the script. Theres nothing in this page until the last 4 lines where they pull the body out that will grab a reader. Everything basically between the 3rd line telling us where we are and the body coming out of the water, can be cut. create a feeling for the reader, we dont feel anything from knowing how green something is. In a script, you wanna get to the point as quick as you can. good luck!
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I would agree with Danny's notes for the most part. I think there is a little space for setting the mood prior to the body coming out of the river, but it should be shorter than it currently is. With an opening scene, I really want the reader to feel like they know the place even if they have never been there, and can identify with the characters and what drives them. The quicker you hook the reader, the harder it will be for them to put it down.
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Hi Stephen, to make it more cinematic and less novelistic I would do the following (just an example):
EXT. OHIO RIVER VALLEY - DAY
Summer. The Ohio River winds between the forested banks of Ohio and West Virginia. Along it, sporadic settlements and towns, separated by miles of woods and patches of tilled farmland.
EXT. RIVER - OHIO RIVER VALLEY – DAY – CLOSE UP
The river is brown, a muddy mixture of dredged mud, acid mine drainage, and raw sewage. Along the river, signage dots the skyline advertising fast food, ice cream, coffee, and the soul-saving power of Jesus Christ.
EXT. ROAD - POMEROY-MASON BRIDGE - OHIO RIVER VALLEY – DAY
Police and emergency VEHICLES, their lights flashing, line up the road at the end of the bridge.
EXT. BANK OF THE RIVER - POMEROY-MASON BRIDGE - OHIO RIVER VALLEY – DAY
Police OFFICERS pull a BODY from the water and load it onto a stretcher.
PARAMEDICS begin the long climb to the top.
FADE TO BLACK
PS: Personally, I believe that you do not need to state that it is an aerial view, from the description it is sort of understood. Also, when you write, try to break descriptions into senes - like river, road, bridge - because they are locations of new scenes and not a part of continuous description.
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Thanks everyone, I'll tighten it up.
First question I would ask is what is your goal with this? Are you trying to sell it or produce it yourself? If it's to sell, there's a lot of good advice here to listen to. If your goal is to produce it yourself, write it the way you want, regardless of what any one else says (including me!).
And this is an either or question, because as soon as you say something like, "I want to attract producers/directors/actors/investors/fill-in-the-blank," you are, in essence, selling it. You may have it in mind to keep creative control, but you'll have to "sell" it to somebody to move it forward.
Again, though, if you plan on producing (i.e. financing it) it yourself - write it however you need to for yourself.
Either or.
I think it's a sell, John. At least putting it down on paper, I need to treat it that way.
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Cool, Stephen Carter. Then there's some very good and actionable advice on this thread. Good luck!
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my advice. Take a break from writing and read 100++ screenplays.
Just from your sample first page, it doesn't appear you're reading scripts. It's not about deleting words here and there.
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My secret confession: It annoys me so much when late audience members sneak into the theater after the first 60 seconds of the movie. I feel sorry that they've missed the most important part of the movie. Oh well.