Aleksandr Rozhnov's Photo #3892239501237430340
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Without reading the rest of the script it is hard to know if the dialogue here is 'on the nose' on purpose as a stylistic device in contrast to the other dialogue but it feels like you are trying to tell to much of a backstory thru dialogue.
Hi Darrell. I was getting loads wrong then I found Dustin Lee (use the search bar) He is fantastic.
My story has just got into the sci-fi/fantasy quarter final because of his help.
You could cut the wh...
Expand commentHi Darrell. I was getting loads wrong then I found Dustin Lee (use the search bar) He is fantastic.
My story has just got into the sci-fi/fantasy quarter final because of his help.
You could cut the whole thing down to
L.A. 2024 JOHN 65, lays by a pool surrounded by the trappings of extreme wealth. His faithful body guard JOSEPH 40 stands alert behind him. John strips to his swimwear.
John
You girls in the pool, make way.
John jumps. BANG a bullet hits him. He lies dead in the water.
Unless all the other parts are necessary further in the story, you would have all the information needed to push your story forward and keep the excitement moving.
Have a look at Dustin. He showed me how to cut the clutter out and keep the story racing.
Hope this helps
Simon