Screenwriting : Writing a Scene when Character's Conscience is talking. by Kiana K

I would say the first example works better

Showing inner-self as another character is also good option.

Use a parenthetical. Under the character's name, you use a small comment that gives dialogue more context. Like this:

Maria stops in her tracks as she sees the phone on the table.

MARIA

(off, inner voice, concerned)

you are thinking abt calling him, right?

Maria takes the phone and lifts it as some ancient sculpture just discovered in her kitchen.

MARIA

Shouldn't I?

Maria is overrun by reality, setting the phone on the table, but not really letting it go.

MARIA

(off, inner voice, judging)

You know He is not available.

The phone sits silently on the countertop covered by her palm.

This way you explain to the reader:

1. The Inner Voice is not seen on the screen just heard

2. The Inner Voice is not just a voiceover coming out of nowhere, it is a second dialogue, that character reacts to.

3. The Actress should act one dialogue out loud but act the second lines of dialogue with her mimic of the inner line.

4. The Inner Voice is just as important to direct as the normal Voice.

The way you write it determines much more than just dialogue.

Don't just deliver the dialogue, make a scene that delivers the idea behind the dialogue.

Create a mood that you desire, and every technical thing will start to be clear from this context.

The (V.O.) works okay just make sure you have enough footage to fit it in post without her stepping on her own words.

I write a lot of paranormal stuff, so naturally I'm drawn to having her 'inner self' present.

I actually think having the (INNER-SELF) sitting in a chair in the same room makes the scene a bit more compelling. Maybe something similar to this:

INT. ROOM - NIGHT

Maria sits, staring down in thought, her hand nervously flicking at the top button of a pen.

MARIA VOICE (O.S.)

You thinking about calling him?

Maria turns in response to an apparition of herself sitting in a chair across from her.

MARIA

Shouldn't I?

MARIA'S APPARITION

(smirks)

You know he's not available.

MARIA

Yes... but doesn't he deserve to know I felt this way years ago...(etc)

If we are referring to Spec writing, I respectfully disagree Dan. OFF SCREEN indicates the character (MARIA's INNER SELF) - if written in such format - is actually in the scene. We hear the voice, but do not see her on the movie screen at that moment. (V.O.) is voice, which is not only off-screen but is also out of the scene, which is only heard in her mind. The important thing here is giving suggestions to Kiana that might be helpful. If you disagree with what I stated, better to discuss it on a separate thread.

I think any way you can make this more visual, the better it will read. I think of Willem Dafoe's Green Goblin character in Spider-Man, when he's basically talking to his evil self in the mirror. The mirror visual may be fairly common, but it worked nicely there. I would use parentheticals in this case as well. As long as it reads easily.

Kiana; I like the scene with the Inner Self character present. I've got some down time right now so I'm going to write your scene the way I'd do it. If you PM your internet to me, I'll send it to you as a pdf file - your's to keep or not - to share or not as you see fit.

Kiana please indicate if you’re speaking in first person (I) second person or third person.

Here are some ideas from Grammarly.

https://www.grammarly.com/blog/first-second-and-third-person/

I would not make her conscious speak as a OS. as she is in the room.

It all depends what you want to achieve with this scene and how it is related to the whole story. How you want to depict this character.

I would do it as INNER VOICE or as HER DOUBLE depending on how this character has to be shown. But not OS

Kiana - offer's only good until I get wrapped up into something else. speak up girl.

What's the difference between (O.S.) and (O.S.)? Writers seem to mean Off Scene (or Out of Scene), when directing, I think of it as Off Set.

I agree with @Doug @Kay but if you feel insecure about inner self sat in chair opposite, another way is the use of a mirror. Eg handbag mirror where she fiddles insecurely on her lap (physically showing disconnectedness to life BEFORE dialogue) or wall mirror directly opposite table and character looks up at wall.

Debbie, nah - I don't think I'd use a mirror - I'd rather have the characters present. I'd give her two interselves; the angel and the devil. Wonderful conflict for a FL 'get over the past' theme. I might just write it myself. Thanx for the idea Kiana.

Hi all, thanks a lot for great responses - Sincere apologies for the delayed response. Really got caught up with something.

so, here is what I understand.

After reading all the comments and opinions, I found that having inner-self sitting in the chair might be more visual and clear. which I stated in the second example. It's like she is acting out o heart - wanting to call this guy but the inner-self (which is a sensible, smart, level-headed woman) challenges her - hang on a sec, do u realize what are u doing?

People who said about the mirror- that could work in all those more visual fantasy things- evil queen, etc. but Maria is a regular sensible and professional woman - her dilemma is between head and heart. so, Mirror is not I am thinking. but having her inner-self sitting in the chair might be an option.

so, Chris, Alister, Doug, Kay, Debbie, -thanks for reassurance abt having inner-self as a character

Florica-you are right, I won't use O.S. when her conscious is speaking, it will be just like her. of course, inner-self can be shown in different clothing etc.

Michale, Debbie- Thanks abt mirror visual, I explained that in above para why that won't work here.

Ivan- Ok, I see what u r saying but if I m creating another character (inner-self) won't use parenthesis.

A.S Templeton- " written characters' internal monologue directly into V.O. Maybe the director did not trust his own script's spoken dialogue,"

--yeah, got it but I guess I am gonna try to avoid V.O best I can. and it was like David lynch!

About V.O talk-

Dan, Doug, Alister. so, here is the thing-

As I am visualizing, she is staring at her hand- pen flicking -- meaning it's a CLOSE SHOT on her hand- that hand fills the screen-

And her mind is going crazy- something she thinks- That's why I put (V.O.) there.

So, I am good there, right?

See below:-

INT. ROOM - NIGHT

Maria sits at the desk. She keeps staring at her hand. CLOSE ON hand flickering pen.

MARIA (V.O.)

Well, it's crazy. After all these years....

Hi Kiana,

Your scenario highlights how "show, don't tell" can work, and how to create audience engagement in a scene.

Me personally....I wouldn't use words. I'd let her action do all the conveying.

She's internally struggling to contact this person - either with the pen or with the phone. The acting should convey that. Maybe she's holding a picture of them together from years ago; maybe she's looking at his contact info on her phone; or maybe she's looking at a piece of paper with his contact info.

Either with the pen or with the phone....she now wants to contact him, and she struggles. And she starts...and then stops. And she starts again...and then stops again.

We all know that feeling. Well...at least some of us.

But that's a great way to engage your audience. It makes them think, and that's a great way for writers to get an audience invested in what they are watching. It makes the audience consciously think and process - and maybe even makes them remember doing that, too - and better involves them in the scene and your story.

Hope this helps.

Best fortunes in your creative endeavors, Kiana!

Hi Dan, thanks for confirming. They are in separate rooms in the same hotel meeting for the reunion. Yeah, I'm gonna change to Mark's room n Maria's room. Thanks. k

Hi Bill, yes off course, there will be a lot of actions that actors can convey during the scene. All that u said plus walking back and forth etc. Thanks.k

You might consider just having her talk it all through with herself out loud? I think an actor would love that kind of opportunity. A mono-dialogue?