Hello, my dear fellow writers. Have I described "Hadji Mazen" ugly enough? Opinions please. His appearance should say it all.
(On Tank #1 stands dark-eyed, rough-looking, 56-year-old SAYYED AL ALLAWI. He has an army uniform on with no insignia that indicates a ranking. Bald sunburnt head, peeling forehead skin, long ginger beard, big swelled out stomach that is noticeable even with half of his body inside the tank’s hatch, a V-shaped scare between his eyebrows and his right hand that is around 10 centimeters shorter than his left hand, are only Al Allawi’s visible characteristics that would nauseate and disgust you. Barbarism is written all over this man. It doesn’t take a genius to figure Al Allawi was just a nobody, a social reject, before joining the Isis and becoming a valuable member. ) Love you all. Ben.
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In my opinion, its way too long. You are not writing a novel. In a screenplay, details are not your friend. You should describe the character as if you were telling the police about the man who just stole your wallet, short and to the point. And if he's not a main character then there's no need for a last or surname.Try this:
"SAYYED, a dark-eyed, rough-looking, middle aged bald man in uniform, stares out across the desert from atop a tank. He scowls with grim determination."
If all your descriptions are similar to that, you'll run out of pages before you've even told your story
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Thank you, Anthony. I think you are right. Good advice.
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Way too long my friend. Anthony Moore's advice is dead on.
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Yeah. I guess you guys are right. It is just that I hate this Hadji so goddamn much and I really really need to establish the viewer's hatred for him as well. Because he plays a very crucial role in the series. But you are right. Thank you, Diego and Anthony.
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reads like a Michael Mann character description. Guess you need a track record to do that on a page
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Ben "...I really really need to establish the viewer's hatred for him as well..." show this in ACTION, not DESCRIPTIONS.
Diego, This is the first page of a pilot I'm writing based on a 680-page epic novel I wrote ( I've already posted the series bible here on the platform). I have seven seasons to SHOW the viewers what an xxxxx he is, and I will SHOW him in action. But based on the script plan I have, I need to get him in with a strong (very strong) DESCRIPTION. I agree this might be a long description of a character. But it takes a lot for TV series to get some TV producer's attention (i mean more than a feature). My intention is to describe Hadji's image from the initial stages of building the series script.
Dan, thank you for the comment, my friend. Feels good to hear that about what you wrote.
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Ben, if you want viewer to hate him, have him kill somebody for no reason and laugh about it. The more innocent the person, the more he will be hated. You're allowed to take creative license with established material.
In the first "Iron Man" movie, a terrorist group takes over a village. The second in command separates a father from his son and stomps the man repeatedly with no remorse. All the description in the world can't beat a scene like this.
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Anthony, this xxxxx does actually rape a preteen girl in front of her parents, kill her entire family, and takes her with him as a sex slave.
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I would group thing things.
A “V” shaped scare between his eyebrows stands out on his sunburnt head and forehead covered in peeling skin.
His uniform (strange lack of insignia) bare covers his girth. This is also obvious as his belly fills the hack of the tank.
Needs work I know. But I would describe him as is our eyes are gliding over him. Keep descriptions about his face together, belly together etc. I think that makes it feel more organic.
As other have pointed out. Actions speak louder than words. Show us something that makes us hate him. Even his react to something is good enough. Let him see something horrible that would revolt us but he smiles a dismissive smile. Someone beating a woman to death and he has a “hurry up I can’t wait all dat look. He checks his watch. Once she falls lifeless, he has a finally expression”. Everyone would understand he is a bastard.
I don’t know what you could have him endorse through his actions. But that would be preferable to saying we would hate him.
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I agree with @Anthony Moore -- while showing a villain as physically deformed can help get the audience to hate him/her (an unfortunate tradition going back to at least Shakespeare, if not before), his/her actions are far more crucial for this purpose!
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The description is well-written. However, it feels a bit long and has too much exposition. But the guy definitely sounds unattractive.
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I'd stop after describing his scar. Unless barbarism is written with black ink on his forehead, it's commentary that should be delivered via the character's actions. I agree with the previous poster. Too much narrative exposition.
Dear Anthony Moore, Diego Cantu, Dan MaxXx, Craig D Griffiths, Dennis Kitainik, Nina Berlin, Phillip "Le Raconteur" Hardy, thank you all for your valuable and helpful comments and suggestions. Your points are well taken.