Screenwriting : Rough Draft #2 for Screenplay Logline by Matthew Ross

I think the key thing with this version is the logline is missing a protagonist's goal.

I see what you mean. I'll change it. Thank you, Eric!!!

Rough Draft Logline #3:

"A young man, plagued by memories of the past, receives a letter detailing the truth behind his mother's passing in Hitler's covert euthanasia program, which puts him into a tail spin and forces him to decide whether to face the truth or lose his family. This story is based on true events". (A Worthy Life)

Matthew:

At 52 words, this logline is too long. For starters, lose the phrase memories of the past. You don’t need it. While you're at it, lose about 15 to 20 words.

Not knowing your plotline, all I can do is suggest a direction for your revised logline. This is only a sample logline for a direction you may wish to consider.

A young man who receives information his mother was murdered by an insidious experiment risks losing his family when he seeks revenge against the former Nazis responsible for this crime.

My sample is 30 words, a good target length for a logline.

I'm assuming the young man is looking to rid himself of the memories? Is that his goal? What caused the lasting scar, his mother's death itself or the letter detailing the truth behind her demise? You may only need one of these.

What does he do? How does it unfold? I can see his internal drama, lose, hardship. But explaining everything from an internal aspect only makes me think novel, not screenplay.

Rough Draft Logline #4

"A young man learns the truth behind his mother’s death in Nazi Germany, which forces him to deal with past regrets, in order to find his way back home" (A Worthy Life)

After learning his mother was killed by Nazis in the war a young man xxxxxx helping process his own regrets.

In order to find his way home. Is he physically travelling. How would this knowledge help him geographically. We need some connective tissue. If the journey and the facts about his mum are not connected, do we need it?

(Self promotion warning) This is a video I did on over used logline phrases. It may help.

https://youtu.be/svtjrudZGls

Matthew: Though your newer version of the logline is better, the second half, "deal with past regrets in order to find his way back home" seems vague. IMHO, It's still not a very compelling sentence. I'd keep working with it to provide more impact.

When a family secret reveals they were Adolf Hitler's allies, an idealistic son must go deep cover in a violent Nazi organization to clear their family name.

Is 'A Worthy Life' an existing book? If so, do you hold the rights?

Thank you so much everyone for your advice! I really do appreciate it more than you know. To answer your question, Christiane, "A Worthy Life" isn't a book. It's an original story. The characters have been fictionalized, but the event this pays homage towards is a part of the Holocaust called the T4 Euthanasia Program.

Here's Rough Draft #5 Logline:

"A young man receives a letter detailing his mother's death in Nazi Germany, causing him to spiral, and feel conflicted between running from the past or risk losing his family. This story is based on true events" (A Worthy Life).

Hi, Matthew Ross. "Causing him to spiral, and feel conflicted between running from the past or risk losing his family" seems internal. It's not an external goal. See Phillip and Dan's examples.

Hi Maurice Vaughan, I understand what mean. Thank you so much for your input! I'll definitely look at Phillip and Dan's examples.

You're welcome, Matthew Ross. An external goal would be something like he tries to rescue someone, he tries to win a contest, he tries to find someone, etc.

How would he not risk losing his family?

My further 2 cents: The Logline is the extremely distilled version of the story. It is what hooks the potential viewer into the story. Have you outlined it yet?

Totally agree with Philip, Craig and Maurice.. follow Craig and fill the blanks (After learning his mother was killed by Nazis ..... )

it's a situation, not a story. he receives a letter and... what does he do then?

Logline:

"After learning his mentally ill mother was killed in Germany's euthanasia program, a quiet young man must learn to forgive himself for resenting her as a child. This story is based on true events" (A Worthy Life).

I like that logline better, Matthew Ross. It shows the inciting incident, his goal, and the obstacle (it sounds like he's going to have a hard time forgiving himself). I would end the logline like this:

"After learning his mentally ill mother was killed in Germany's euthanasia program, a quiet young man must learn to forgive himself for resenting her as a child." This story is based on true events ("A Worthy Life").

I’ll definitely make those changes. Thank you guys so much for all of your support!! I really do appreciate it. If there’s anything I can do to help any of you, please don’t hesitate to ask. I hope everyone has a safe and great weekend!!!

You're welcome, Matthew Ross. What's your plan for the project?

What's at risk here, the memory of his mother? Or something more serious?

Hey Erik! What happens is his mother gets killed in the T4 Euthanasia program, which was a program Hitler started that killed men, women, and children with disabilities because they thought they were “unfit” or “unworthy of life”. This news becomes too much for the young man to handle, because he is already filled with regret regarding how he treated his mother.

Hey Maurice!! I’m still working on finishing the screenplay. I’m hoping to have it done sometime next week, and then I hope to have it read by one of the agents for the 30 minute executive phone call.

Sounds great, Matthew Ross. I had a 30-minute Consultation Call on here. The producer was Michael Wormser. His notes helped me rewrite my script. Hope the call goes well.

"After learning his mentally ill mother was killed in Germany's euthanasia program, a quiet young man must learn to forgive himself for resenting her as a child. This story is based on true events" (A Worthy Life).

No. I mean, what is his Act Two goal - something we can film. So how do you translate 'learning to forgive himself' into something we can film. Your current goal is internal. Unfilmable. It's what we understand by the protagonist achieving his filmable goal. You also have a problem that there is little at stake here. there's no urgency in the present that the protag lives to make the change. it's easily survivable. in real life, it's meaningful. on film, just a bump in the road. I'd also add, what exactly is Germanys euthanasia programme? Do you mean Hitler's Final Solution? If so, 'euthanasia programme' really downgrades the event - it reads like PR for it to sanitise what went on. I'd just say killed by the Nazis in a camp - we get what went on.

Stories are about conflict. Conflict requires 2 forces. There isn't two forces here. the work as presented is likely to lack progression and escalation because there is no filmable goal to reach.

In Act 1, he receives a letter that clearly disturbs him, because a look of horror is on his face when he reads it. From then on, he starts to show signs of PTSD, because the news of the letter resurfaces memories that he has from being a child in Nazi Germany. One day, when he's taking a nap, his daughter scares him in his sleep. As an involuntary reaction, he pins her on the ground and almost goes to punch her. But he stops when his wife yells "Ralph, no!" Because of his refusal to verbalize what has made him go insane, his wife and children leave.

In Act 2, he reveals to his wife what the letter says. The letter came from one of his cousins in Germany, and they tell him that his mother (who had Schizophrenia) was not killed in a hospital because of tuberculosis. Instead, she was killed by being gassed at Hadamar by medical professionals, which is one of the killing hospitals in the T4 Euthanasia Program. This program was started by Adolf HItler to kill men, women, and children with disabilities, because they were thought of as being "unfit" or "unworthy of life". Initially, the wife thinks that he is horrified at the news, which is true. However, he tells her that the last thing he said to her was "You're not my mom. You're weird". That ends up being why this news is even harder for him to process. He feels so much worse at the life she lived. Not only did he hurt her feelings, but she died by being murdered.

I do apologize if I'm being confusing. This story is one that always switches back and forth in time. One part shows the life of Ralph's mother Elisabeth, who has Schizophrenia, and his life as a little boy in Berlin, Germany, during World War II.. And the other part switches forward to when Ralph is a grown adult living in North jersey in 1964.

After we see him tell his wife this news, and we see Elisabeth's death, the story closes when Ralph seeks redemption in how he feels about the disabled community and how he is ready to remember his mother. As well, we see how Elizabeth's parents (his grandparents) process her death after they're told Tuberculosis killed her and when they eventually come to America.

Agonizing memories resurface when (name) receives a terrifying letter confirming his mother's shocking death at the hands of the Nazi's, then searches for redemption as a son who disowned his mentally ill mother.

Is this better?

Thank you for detailing out the plot a bit more. I respect how much pain this 'story' represents. But it is hard for me to get a handle on the real story. Is there redemption for the main character? What actions does he take to get there? How does he earn his redemption? Who else is affected by this redemption? Best of luck...

Okay so the plot and themes are similar to "The Kite Runner"?

Oh wow. I had no idea that this plot was similar. To be honest, I've never read "The Kite Runner" yet.

Some things I hope to achieve in this story is to pay homage to the victims and families affected by the T4 Euthanasia program during WW2, and it is also supposed to show the humanity of those across many sectors of the disability community.

Thank you so much, Shelly, for that recommendation for the Logline! I will definitely reform what I wrote.

It will be interesting to see how this differs from "Werk ohne Autor"; your story is probably more compact, focussed on the program -- storywise that's a good thing.

No need to say that it's based on a true story in a logline or give credit to 'A Worthy Life', my feature length screenplay is based on the true story of my Great Grandparents, but I don't have that fact in my logline.

Thank you so much everyone for your input! I really appreciate it more than you know. Maurice, that’s awesome!!!! I’m sure your script is amazing!!!! Thank you for your encouragement!!!! If he doesn’t have too many scripts to read, I think I’m going to submit it to be read by Scott Schulman.

You're welcome, Matthew Ross. I've heard great things about Scott Schulman.

Such great feedback from everyone! Matthew Ross don't forget to post your logline in the loglines section, https://www.stage32.com/loglines. Submitting it to be read through Script Services is a great idea and next step.