Hi there,
I am new here so I am trying to learn the ropes.
I have just finished writing a screenplay and I am currently working on a logline.
I would appreciate some feedbacks. I am not sure how it's done, but I posted it on my wall and on my logline section.
Thank you so much.
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Nour Gharbi what a wonderful Profile page with your credits accumulating in festivals and awards, very exciting and inspiring!
To look at your type of films it seems to me that your logline has the essential elements and could simply be deconstructed and reassembled a few different ways, accordingly to provide variable emphasis on the different elements of the story foundation.
Example (edited):
A musically gifted teenaged vocalist determined to follow her dream hides the truth of her pregnancy from her controlling mother.
Original:
When she discovers she’s pregnant, a musically gifted teenager struggling with mental problems must hide the truth from her controlling mother in order to follow her dream of becoming a singer.
Partly it's the advantage of delivering the kernel of the story in 20 words instead of 31 words, which might seem nitpicky but perhaps better meets industry expectations to stay concise. And maybe leaves you some room to add more detail.
Grinding it down can sometimes also reveal whether or not you have sufficient story material depending on the length of the film.
Maybe if she's a teen we can assume that she's struggling with mental problems?
Which of her struggles would you want to emphasize more as the main story line?
What other additional adjective might describe her mother?
So far it sounds perhaps not the most innovative story line in terms of these are some fairly familiar kinds of characters and issues, what other specific tangible story elements concisely described would enable the logline to inform us about ways in which it is innovative, new or unique?
Best wishes to you for continuing success! Ci vuole tempo!
2 people like this
Hi Daniel and thank you for your feedback!
Can't equalize her being pregnant staked with having trouble with her mother over her career...won't she have trouble with herself? (not having enough time to be a mother and successful careerist same time?) Many people stray off having kids just because of that, not because of religious or whatsoever parents...
It is true, but when her mother finds out about the pregnancy, she forces her daughter to keep the child being religious and all. The girl wants an abortion because she is not ready and wants to become a successful singer, however she can't have one, because in Italy where the story takes place, you need parental consent to do it. Therefore, it is not just a personal conflict, you see. She would have to seek alternative and dangerous ways to terminate the pregnancy, risking a lot more than just her career.
1 person likes this
Hi Nour - it’s great to meet you here! I’m the Director of Education here at Stage 32. We have amazing resources for writers here and I’d be happy to make any recommendations for you if you’d like. I would start by checking out our screenwriting education at: https://www.stage32.com/education/tag/screenwriting I would also follow our CEO on Instagram - he posts great advice every day that you’ll find helpful and inspiring: @rbwalksintoabar