Screenwriting : Feedback request for 2 Loglines by Joseph Rhea

Why does the mechanic want the legendary relic? life threatening challenges is also kind of vague too... some specificity in the overall story could really make that logline shine.

"Alien ocean" is unique, Joseph Rhea. I think "life-threatening challenges is vague. I suggest being more specific about what he faces. If you can't figure out a way to be more specific about what he faces, I suggest using a stronger word than "faces." Maybe "fights." As in "a brash young submarine mechanic fights to overcome life-threatening challenges."

In the NOVUM GENESIS logline, it says, "an inexperienced submarine captain is tricked into stealing a doomsday device that could threaten what's left of the human race." That sounds like the set up. I suggest mentioning the protagonist's goal.

And I think you should use "It's DUNE underwater" in your pitch.

Thanks for the constructive feedback, Scott and Maurice.

You're welcome, Joseph Rhea. Can't wait to see these movies!

BTW, the admittedly-vague "life-threatening challenge" in the Rogue Wave logline is actually a "life-shattering decision" in that (spoiler) the climax involved the protagonist killing his love interest in order to save ship and crew. So, a "Greek tragedy" ending is not what one might expect from a big-budget sci-fi film script, but this is my story and I'm sticking to it. ;) Getting all of that in a short logline is my challenge with the Rogue Wave logline, which is why I went a bit vague.

To me, don’t probably don’t need the “life-threatening challenges” as it kinda implies that the journey will difficult.

Joseph Rhea I usually hear industry pros say a writer should stay away from using a decision as the protagonist's goal because it's hard to track a decision throughout a movie, as opposed to tracking a protagonist's goal like "fights to defeat a crime boss" or "pull off three impossible heists in one day." Does the submarine mechanic have a goal he goes after throughout the story?

Maurice Vaughan You are correct, of course, in that the fatal decision that makes him a hero/killer is certainly not his goal in the story. His goal is a traditional one of "leaving home to follow your dreams" which in this world means leaving the comfort of a domed city and joining the crew of a cargo submarine as an apprentice mechanic, with the goal of being hired permanently and finding a new "work family".

Ok, cool, Joseph Rhea. It sounds like the main goal in the story is to find the relic, and the apprentice mechanic's goals are secondary goals. If that's right, I suggest only focusing on the main goal in the logline. I also suggest working Scott Sawitz's question into the logline ("Why does the mechanic want the legendary relic?"). That's the stakes.

Here's a logline suggestion: "In the depths of an alien ocean, a brash apprentice mechanic and a submarine crew search for a legendary relic from Earth’s forgotten past that will save the planet (or whatever the stakes are)."

Thanks for the additional help, Maurice. I think this would be a positive use for AI, where you feed it your script and it spits out the perfect logline.

You're welcome, Joseph Rhea. I wouldn’t use AI to make a logline. In my opinion, a writer needs to do the work to write a logline or synopsis.

After being tricked into stealing a doomsday device from the depths a submarine captain must to xxxxxxxx before xxxxxxx causing xxxxxxx.

Just make sure you use the correct propmpts Joseph Rhea

Thanks to everyone for all the great suggestions: I followed an outline, which made this task easier. How does this sound?:

1. Identify the protagonist: A genius but penniless mechanic

2. Describe the inciting incident: He is hired by the daughter of an overbearing cargo submarine captain

3. Highlight your protagonist’s goal: He must prove himself worthy to the captain

4. Create a compelling central conflict: They must fight pirates to salvage a priceless relic from Earth’s forgotten past.

New ROGUE WAVE Logline (33 words):

A genius but penniless mechanic, hired by the daughter of an overbearing cargo submarine captain, must prove himself worthy as they fight pirates to salvage a priceless relic from Earth’s forgotten past.

Sounds good to me! Here's one of few logline generators to futher play with. https://www.google.com/amp/s/logline.it/logline-generator/%3famp

I like that you added "prove himself worthy" and "fight pirates" (the antagonists and obstacle), Joseph Rhea. I think the logline needs a better flow.

"Hired by the daughter of an overbearing cargo submarine captain, a genius mechanic tries to prove himself worthy as the crew fights pirates to salvage a priceless relic from Earth’s forgotten past."

Or you could leave the inciting incident out of the logline (the inciting incident isn't needed 100% of the time). I think "In the depths of an alien ocean" sounds better than the inciting incident, and I think "In the depths of an alien ocean" makes your logline more attractive and unique.

"In the depths of an alien ocean, a genius mechanic tries to prove himself worthy to a cargo submarine captain as the crew fights pirates to salvage a priceless relic from Earth’s forgotten past."

I took out "but penniless" so the logline will be shorter/so the reader won't get winded while reading the logline, and I don't think "penniless" adds much to the logline. I suggest saving "penniless" for the synopsis.

Or this, Joseph Rhea: "In the depths of an alien ocean, a penniless, genius mechanic tries to prove himself worthy to a cargo submarine captain as the crew fights pirates to salvage a priceless relic from Earth’s forgotten past."

Nice elements in the story.

A genius mechanic must prove himself worthy his overbearing captain’s daughter’s hand, on their quest to salvage a priceless relic from the depths of an aliens and pirates infested ocean.

These are great!!

I combined Maurice's and Wal's versions into this:

In the depths of an alien ocean, a genius mechanic must prove himself worthy of his overbearing captain’s daughter’s hand on their quest to salvage a priceless relic from Earth’s forgotten past.

Which I love because it includes the antagonist (captain) and love interest (and major player in the story, btw) all in just 32 words. Thanks to everyone who contributed.

Now time for me to work on the Novum Genesis logline.

So following this outline, here is a new 33-word logline for Novum Genesis: What say ye all?

Deep below the surface of an alien ocean, a novice submarine captain unwittingly steals a doomsday device, forcing him to prove his leadership skills while battling the military's attempts to reclaim the weapon

Looks pretty stormy and masculine.

A novice submarine captain and his crew, sailing the ill reputed alien ocean, must withstand the military's attempts to reclaim a doomsday weapon that they stole by coincidence.

You're welcome, Joseph Rhea. I like both loglines. I have two suggestions for the ROGUE WAVE logline though.

#1) I think the logline would be better if you included "fight pirates."

#2) I don't think "prove himself worthy of his overbearing captain’s daughter’s hand" flows well.

There are so many ways to rewrite this, but how about this longer version? Seems like a bit wordy, but maybe it is closer to what I need.

In a cargo submarine cruising the depths of an alien ocean, a bright but inexperienced mechanic must prove himself worthy to his overbearing captain as they fight pirates to salvage a priceless relic from Earth’s forgotten past.

I think the first part of your older logline sounds better, Joseph Rhea ("In the depths of an alien ocean).

"In the depths of an alien ocean, a genius young mechanic must prove himself worthy to his overbearing captain as they fight pirates to salvage a priceless relic from Earth’s forgotten past."

Thanks, Maurice. I guess I need to stop tweaking this and move on. I'll go with your final suggestion.

You're welcome, Joseph Rhea. I recently retweaked a logline that I wrote years ago. Once I changed the logline, I started getting more interest in the script. You can always retweak your logline down the road.

Agreed, Maurice Vaughan and thank you to everyone who helped. This place rocks