Was wondering if anyone could provide feedback on a script that I wrote? I'm very new to this and would be grateful for any tips, criticisms, and feedback that you have.
Logline for those interested: In the old west a nurse partners with a gunslinger to bring men accused of unspeakable acts to justice, while in a bunker a group of time travelers awaits orders to apprehend three people who could prove useful in a vicious battle nearly two centuries in the future.
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I highly recommend you enter it in a contest and pay extra for feedback. I have found some judges offer great ideas, and some give you page by page detailed analysis noting errors.
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You can always get feedback from readers at Stage 32 here: (https://www.stage32.com/scriptservices/coverage/buy?affid=pata)
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Georgette and Pat gave you great advice, Ian Maier.
I think your logline needs some work. One reason is it's really long (48 words). Here’s a logline template that might help:
“After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw that the main character has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the main character’s personality) _______ (the main character’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).”
The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (the main flaw that the main character has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the main character’s personality) _______ (the main character’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”
And Christopher Lockhart has a great webinar on loglines. It’s called “How To Make Your Logline Attractive to A-List Actors, Producers, Directors, Managers, Agents, Financiers and Development Execs” (www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-A-List-A...).
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I will be glad to critique this if you want send it.
jackmid90yahoo.com
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I know a screenwriter in LA who tends to use longer log lines and has never pitched to anyone who had a problem with any of them. I had the latest at about three lines and we worked it this: LOGLINE:
Upon hearing the news of her abusive father's fatal heart attack, an emotionally distant Marine returns home to discover, that not only was he murdered, but that his death was a part of a deeper corporate conspiracy involving kidnapping, extortion, and fraud.
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Send me a network request and I give you my email address.