Screenwriting : Logline by Peter Cameron

Great title, Peter Cameron! I think your logline has too much info, which is making it really long (59 words).

Here’s a logline template that might help: After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw that the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: A _______ (the main flaw that the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).

Loglines are one or two sentences. A one-sentence logline sounds better, and it takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it. Try to keep your logline to 35 words or less.

Names in loglines are usually for biopics, well-known stories, and franchises (like Mission: Impossible).

Sometimes I put the location and date that the story takes place in instead of the inciting incident if it’s a Period Piece script.

Might want to portrait her less passive by giving her a clearer goal.

A driven gamer aims to be energized by a romance with a great attitude equipped bartender, but his debts make their struggle to make ends meet overwhelmingly harsh.

I don't use character names in loglines. I think that's commonplace with the exceptions Maurice notes. I also shoot for about 35 words as Maurice suggests. I think shooting for 35 isn't just for the benefit of the logline reader but helps the writer to focus on the key parts of the story, to highlight whatever the hook may be.

When a woman trying to build a career in the big city falls in love with a bartender struggling with debt, they find their concept of love and trust pushed to limit in a bid to make a living.

I'm not a huge fan of Ink Tip for this reason. Your logline just sits there passively waiting for someone to engage. There really isn't a grab the bull by the horns and take charge feeling about it. For a writer it is important that he gets the work in front of people actively. Pitch, books calls, send out the queries, etc.

Thanks everyone this is very helpful, I'll do some work on re-forming it and see if it will make a difference. And I agree Jason. I've had plenty of people view my logline on inktip and at yet its hard to capture an entire film in 35 words and make it compelling enough to actually want to read more.

You're welcome, Peter Cameron. Sometimes it's tough to capture an entire film in 35 words and make it compelling enough to actually want to read more, but it's possible. It takes a lot of rewriting sometimes. And around 35 words is fine too.

The hero does not have a main goal in the logline and there is no antagonist or obstacle that she needs to overcome. it was also unclear from the logline, which genre of the story? make your logline fun.

I've bagged multiple option and right-to-shop agreements with Inktip, and none came from people fishing loglines. The best way to connect with producers using that service is by answering ads in their newsletter and meeting a need.

This is what I came up with:

"A driven gamer juggling her complicated job and gaming career while struggling to make a good living meets a bartender already in debt. Their romance is put to the test against the adversities of life. Will their love find a way to survive?"

From what I understood the story is trying to show the journey of love filled with emotions against real life challenges and how love will sustain when the people are put to a test. The logline should convey the idea that it will be like "Love vs The World"

Thanks Phillip and Nikhill. I think I'm getting closer to the right wording and I really appreciate the feedback. I also agree that Directly submitting on Inktip makes more sense. I've been doing that, I just want to hone this logline skill so I can nail it every time. It's like any art form, it takes practice and understanding. This community is helpful

What does everyone think of this as a revision?

A no-nonsense gamer clinging to her crumbling dream job meets a debt-ridden bartender juggling two jobs and a complicated past. As their romance blossoms, a salacious side hustle amid financial pressures threatens to undermine what they are building.

you don't need to describe the whole movie in the logline. you need to write the main conflict of the story and do it in a generalized and concise way.

Your logline is better, but I think it still needs some work, Peter Cameron. Maybe something like this: A no-nonsense gamer clinging to her crumbling dream job and a debt-ridden bartender fight to keep their relationship alive when a side hustle threatens to destroy what they’ve built.

When re-tooling this it'll be good to consider what changes can be made to make it more unique to your project and demonstrate why it'll stand out. This can just be replacing a few words, but it can make all the difference.

The loglines are all over and confusing. Nothing about plot, genre, or themes make this idea unique.

Probably too depressive, although that could be an idea.

In a dawning romance between a gamer clinging to her dream job and her debt-ridden bartender, a salacious side hustle tears down more than what they manage to build.

I suspect the lack of clear goal, obstacle, and stakes in the logline is actually a problem with the script itself. Make sure the screenplay has those elements, then it should be easier to sum up in a logline.

You may want to write a one page summary of the script to help you narrow down the main plot points, stakes and resolution. Here's my shot at your logline.

"A down on her luck aspiring female gamer loses her day job and must join forces with a broke bartender to find a way to make money before both before of them end up on the street."