Anything Goes : Convincing a girlfriend on being Ok on certain aspects of Acting. Need help on this one by Morgan Middlebrook

If you are meant to be an actor you're meant to be with someone who understands, its her responsibility to support you, as you her, to change the things you can and accept the things you can't about the industry.

That is a deal breaker for a relationship. It is like asking an outdoor adventurer not to go on outdoor adventures or not to get wet ever on those adventures. Romance scenes are part of just about any film and a mature woman would know and understand that. There are levels of sex scenes and levels of passionate make-outs which you may be able to avoid. There are other actors with limits, but kissing? Even on the lips? Impossible. Unless you never get a leading role, then very possible. That said, it may be useful for her to talk to people dating actors about their feelings. Think about it like a Doctor who is never supposed to stick a finger up a bum to check for prostate cancer, or a Doctor who is never to see a woman's private parts when that is his job. Yes, there may be arousal in some cases or attraction, but that is not the issue for a mature professional. A mature partner needs to understand that.

A massage therapist touches people nude or semi nude. A plastic surgeon looks at women's breasts regularly and other body parts. A gynecologist looks at and touches female parts. This girl needs some perspective. Your work is relatively tame. As an actor you are not doing porn and you can avoid the really racy stuff generally pretty easily since that is not the bulk of what mainstream actors are doing.

I think you already answered your own question by posing the question.

She needs to grow up a bit or you need to find a woman who can understand the nature of the job. Does she understand how hard it is to GET jobs? Its not as if your talking porn here your talking acting.

I just went through this with my wife. I've been married for 17 years and acting for 1-1/2. My last play required me to kiss. Ultimately it came down to a choice for both of us. My choice was do I want to continue acting (because inevitably I would have to kiss eventually), her choice was does she want to stay married to me. After nine scheduled performances (and a number of oohs and ahhs from the audience) I'm still married. If she's right for you it will all work out, if she's not right for you, let her go, it's just as well. If you're really any good at acting and love acting as I do, don't throw it away. You'll regret it.

That's a sticky situation however I would point out that it's not you doing the kissing, it's the character that's doing kissing. If she can't wrap her head around that then you might have to move on. I found this out a number of years ago. On the case of Buffy and Angel, both characters kissed quite a number of times. The actors 'David and Sarah' would eat onions before the said kissing - nullifying the spark. David still does this on 'Bones'. Stinky breath has an affect, ask your girlfriend if she would behind that idea... so go eat an onion. If that doesn't work I suggest dating an actress.

I have to agree with Lucius Above in that you answered your own question by asking. If you need to ask, then you need to be more determined and absolute in your ambition. To me your question shouldn't be "Should I keeo this relationship"? but rather "Why should I be be a girl who doesn't support what's important to me"?????????????????You deserve someone who's got THEMSELVES together..........It will happen when time is right.............

Hi Morgan. I had this issue with my wife of almost 25 years as well. I started acting about 8 years ago. She raised that concern with me as well. The way I handled it was I told her that we wouldn't get in a debate over it until the time arose, and she agreed with that, and then WE would take it on a case-by-case basis to see if the part, once it was offered, would be one that would benefit my career enough so that she could tolerate the "kissing", etc. So, now, whenever I get one of those parts, I discuss that with my wife, present my reasons as to why this will benefit my career, and listen to her side. On a couple of occasions, my wife was able to point out to me how the part would do nothing to forward my career, but on others she was in total agreement with me taking on the role because they were so great. One that, in particular, comes to mind was where I did an off broadway play where I had to kiss the leading actress. The play turned out great. I ended up with an agent who came to see it, and that actress then recommended me later on for a commercial that ended up airing during the Super Bowl. She has to understand that this is a JOB that is very important to you and be willing to support you 100%, or, in my opinion, you will have other issues that come up in the relationship.

In acting, it is in a room full of people. Kissing scenes are scenes with thirty people around watching. Sex scenes are the same. There are socks over private parts and pasties, etc... Unless the private parts are shown. The scenes can be stressful for actors in that they are trying to respect the spouse of someone else while giving in to a role. Being in a controlled environment like that with someone is less of a risk than other environments. John Heder is a conservative actor. He has still kissed people in his roles. He picks his roles and is more controlled than others are/may be. He's the guy from Napolean dynamite. There are women who won't do topless scenes. You may decide you don't want to do projects other than tv for example where unless you are on major cable networks, the sex scenes are not so wild. CSI actors, NCIS actors, etc... rarely kiss anyone or have a sex scene (the main actors). So that would be different than a Game of Thrones lead actor where you are in a bit hot and heavy situation. You are young. Your girlfriend is probably young (unless you are dating a cougar!). She may need to date a few people and vice versa to get some perspective. Sometimes for example, people need to experience someone that they think they want to realize what they do want and will work with. She may need to go through her fears and insecurities. Loving someone, committing to someone is love and it is commitment. If you are acting and do well she may get more money for example than she may with another profession and/or she may get less stability and less money while you struggle if she hangs around. If you do well, like the lottery she may strike it rich, but you may be traveling and less available. And you may/will go through your ups and downs creatively. Some actors do certainly have affairs. Acting can be a complicated business for some people depending on details. Spouses are sometimes on set for things. Sometimes they don't want to be. Actors' relationships can be notoriously unstable. But then their relationships are more visible than others. Politicians seem to have plenty of issues too. If someone is serious about being in a relationship with an actor, consider that dancers don't kiss typically, but are in endless contact with each other. Athletes and Rockstars are in a lot of positions to have people throwing themselves at them. Acting is a whole world to get used to in terms of being close to a group of people in some ways at least with proximity and in a world and then to see that world dissolve and a new one be born and then maybe a break for a while between things. Not everyone wants a relationship with a screenwriter - who can be in their head. Or a politician who is on the road meeting and greeting so many anonymous people or a rock star with girls throwing their bras at the stage, etc... You wouldn't do well as an actor falling in love with every leading lady and getting down her pants. It wouldn't be too great for your reputation or your working relationships with people. It may happen here or there, but a profession is a profession. Going to work and doing most roles has one or two days of kissing someone or a sex scene here or there. It is not your daily work. It is not every day making out and rolling around naked unless you are doing a certain kind of role. Even with the kissing and sex scenes they are not usually rehearsed in a major way for days on end before doing the scene. There is a lot she just may not be thinking through. Who are her favorite actors? actresses? Are they not kissing people here and there and doing a rare sex scene of some sort? Most sex scenes are pretty tame.

I was fine with the post until I read " well sometimes things happen" comment. Professional talent committed as much to their partner as well as their craft, I believe, are less likely to have "things happen". Respectfully, I hope the actor making the post realizes the difference between the fantasies he protrays, the fantasies in his head, and the realities of a commited relationship.

Sometimes things happen just means... sometimes they do happen with certain actors and actresses - ie. it is not that no affairs ever do happen. Yes, some people are going to more consciously be trustworthy and/or strive to be. Others not so much. In any career there can be temptations for things that may be something many may want to avoid and challenges, issues, etc... I was not being light about it 'woops, just happens'. I was just acknowledging that things do happen. Brad and Angelina seemed to have gotten together when Brad was with Jennifer Aniston for example. But they have been a more solid couple from the look of it. Some actors and actresses have something of a flexible and/or open relationship situation established. So do some people from other professions. It is a way of coping with the jealousy and the distances they have. Am I saying it is ideal? Nope, just acknowledging ways people deal with things sometimes differently.

It depends on how much you want to be an actor. What's most important to you? If you have to be an actor above all else, be wary of partners who do not fully support and understand. It can take a lot to be partnered with an actor. The intimacy (both kissing and otherwise) you share with your cast mates, with your production team. The time spent away (often nights and weekends) while doing a show, while off on a film shoot. The head space it takes to find your character, to learn your lines, to prepare for the next audition, rehearsal, performance. Partners often lure actors away from performing. Often it's couched in terms of "responsibility," "sensibility," and "growing up." Having children certainly sends many of our ranks towards the exit doors. Nothing against having a family, but just know what the consequences are for a large percentage of performers who do.

Years ago I asked a partner if they were concerned about me leaving them for someone else. The answer? "No, I am afraid of you leaving me to be by yourself" which I found interesting. As most of us grow in relationships, it is easy to find that things that didn't matter early on when we were younger, or that we didn't think would matter - do. And then of course things that did matter, suddenly don't. As I have been through relationships in different forms and even currently, I have made choices to be single rather than have a partner at times, because partners were too interested in trying to have me be what they wanted me to be and prioritized what they valued not my creative expression. Brad Pitt and Angelina married and had kids after their careers were established. It can certainly be a path of great sacrifice for many. The starving artist is an archetype for a reason. It is a well tread path whether as actors or writers or otherwise. As traveled some attain higher and some people REALLY understand what they are in for and they value the person and they tread the path together. I think it is valid to look at the relationships of people and to look at how you value relationships and what you want in a relationship and when you are ready to look at having kids vs. when those who you date may want them. Any career can take sacrifice, but I think there is a reason that many actors don't have a lot of kids. The ones who do often have nannies for obvious reasons if they are at a certain level. There is a reason that many of the high level actors have celebrity partners - they understand the nuances of the profession and are game for them. Of course may celebs do not have celeb partners. There is community theater on the side and then there is full fledged Broadway theater and/or a film. B'Way shows may have a person kissing their costar each night. The entertainment industry can be notoriously hard on relationships. Kissing costars seems the least of the concerns. Weeks or months on location seems more likely the concern. Many of the leading men are famously single for long periods of time. There are of course some exceptions. There is a tide to the culture and a tide to the business. A lot of celebs find different ways to deal with it - sometimes living outside of Hollywood when they are not working if they can afford to do so. It can be a complicated life for those who really end up at the top of their game. It can be a challenging life of working jobs and performing in the eves of performing and doing other side jobs while trying to make it. There is a reason there are so many stories of actors and performers who were homeless, living out of their cars, staying on friend's couches, etc... as they were working their way to prominence. For some people they will gladly give up career for love. For some, the career is the call (as in the hero's journey) and sometimes it is through dating and giving elements up for a time, short or long, that shows us just how much we value our call/path and make us all the more hungry and determined to pursue it, and all the more willing to suffer the consequences along the way. This may very well be a sort of rite of passage for you - one way or the other. A Film Production friend was told to quit his film studies as he was getting started and try going into something else. Then if he HAD to go into film, he would be successful. If not, he should do something else. He HAD to go into film. He has been successful. I almost regularly try to talk myself into something other than pursuing what I am pursuing. There are many reasons why it seems like such a bother and I ask myself if the sacrifices are worth it, but I seem to HAVE to keep at it, so I do. Do you HAVE to act? Do you HAVE to have this girl?

I think for me I felt 'called' more than 'chose' to do it solo. There was a time a lot of relationships came into my life, and then after a while, I found it was more friendships and younger people who I nurtured and connected with - not romantically obviously. It became different and somewhat monastic, but allowed for more fluidity and was a sort of cleanse from some of the more crazy relationship experiences and some of the more stifling ones. More recently there are opportunities which present themselves which seem more potentially like a match, but I have mostly been single for over a decade as I have pursued some new directions. As the adage/slogan goes 'A time for everything...' I have felt like maybe after a move someone will fit more into my life and vice versa. That or maybe after some work is more to a certain point. Those who I connect to now though are more fluid and I am not looking to center my life around someone else in a way that doesn't really include my path. I have given up too much and it didn't feel right. There was a time for me to be in a long relationship. I learned a lot from it and it was productive for both of our careers and ambitions and desires for adventure. Then I needed something else and I was not the only one. I needed my next adventure. The need for the other was stability and family which was in another state. I needed outer stability, but more inner adventure and creativity and I gave up a lot of the comforts of life to pursue other things. I was ready to give to it. I was ready to become someone new. Transformation can be hard on a relationship. Some people are mostly who they are when they are younger, and others go through major changes. A lot of relationships have a hard time going from the process of working towards something to 'making it'. People change. Lives change. That is why so many people break up after someone 'makes it'. The person changes and their world changes, the demands on them change, etc... Some people just want a 'normal' life. Some people are not up for the adventure and understandably need/want to have their own path or a more conventional path. Joseph Campbell talks about the Hero's Journey and the path of the hero is different from the path of the villager. They are both valid and important paths. However, if your girlfriend is a villager and you have your call to adventure, then you will hit a point where you have to choose. Acting can be a sort of great art and a holy role depending on who does it and what they are doing with their career. Of course some actors/many walk a line between the two doing some roles for money and fun and others for social contribution. It can be a sort of priestly role with an element of ministry to it, but requires often travel and other things to navigate. Fans can want attention and as mentioned, a lot of long hours working on lines and other things. Artists of all sorts are known for being temperamental, emotional, passionate beings who need their own leeway and structures. It isn't a normal life. Perhaps it will help to consider how much of your adventure she is up for - kissing aside.

Sturgis - I believe True Love is what is most important to me. It always has been. But acting is indeed my calling. That I still know. David, Robyn - I have asked myself those questions before, 'Do I need to act?' 'Do I need someone to make me happy?'..etc I feel I need to act because I just feel this stir inside me that tells me that I posses a little bit of every human feature, and that I've experienced every emotion in the book personally in my own life. I feel I have the 'tools' to do what I'm passionate about and to be good at it. But also I am compassionate in the sense where I know myself enough to be comfortable with the fact that I won't be 100% happy with my life until I have Love. And I even told this girl in the past, "You know what- I can see myself giving those type of roles up for you. Because to me Love is greater than anything in the world.". And Honestly I will always feel that way. If I had the career of Brad Pitt but no Love, and I was given the opportunity to trade my successful career for True Love, I would do it in a heartbeat. I know that I'm wanting to date someone out side of the industry, who's not an actress, because to me my ideal life that I want is that I can "come home" to someone who's a part of "another world", otherwise if I date an actress I'll just feel like I'm constantly "at work" or "on set", and I don't want that. I want to be able to "go home" and relax.

Years ago when I wanted to move to NYC for another career field, I looked for someone who was up for that journey. I met other people along the way, but when I met the person who was up for that journey, I was ready for commitment. There was love involved certainly, part of the love was the function. Internally I had someone who was along for the ride and committed to going to NYC with me. There were issues. They were not along for the longer ride with me. That was our future. No kids were involved. We didn't share spiritual and religious views. Once we had done NYC together, there was not much more for us to do together. We split. There is a relationship book I like by an African woman called 'Spirit of Intimacy'. She talks about purpose being a key part of relationships in their culture. They have a sort of arranged marriage that happens based on the life purposes of the two people. One thing I have seen and felt repeatedly in dating experiences is that relationships for me sometimes feel like they are pulling me off track more than on track. I am reminded of the garbage dump woman on the film labyrinth where she has a house that looks like the girl's real room, but it is not her room, it is a room set up to look like it. I did have that relationship for several years and it felt right, like something I was to go through. I learned from it and I have had a committed relationship where there was love and pain and intimacy and commitment, and it was as good as most 20 somethings have. But then I wanted more. I needed more. I wanted what the artist friends around me had. They had smaller lives in many cases, they had less fancy things, but more beautiful lives I thought/felt. There was a soul to their lives that mine was missing. I think for you as you talk about 'love' it may also be useful and important for you to think 'do I want kids?" and 'when?' and 'how many?' and 'what kind of father do I want to be to them?' I have never really wanted kids. I really love and adore kids and they are important to me and I may well write stories about/for them at some point. But I am happy being an uncle and friend of several parents and looking out for the quirky kids and nurturing them that way. I don't have that need to be a father, although there are moments I have wondered. I am older, so I am not in a place now where I am likely to start a family - at least not a conventional one. It could happen, but not seeing it. I could end up with someone with kids already, teens or preteens possibly. I am open to that. But I don't know that it is my path. I was in a relationship with a part time parent of young kids nearly a decade ago, and it was pretty strong inside me that while i adored the kids, that was not my path - even to be a part time parent. Relationships are a journey. There are obstacles and sometimes we choose one thing over another. Many many many creative people have chosen love over their career and vice versa. And some find ways of making it work. Life is partly what we consciously plan and partly something else, but if you plan to have kids, then it tends to help to really plan around them. For some people that can drive their career efforts and ground them. Some people with kids for example may work TV roles more because they can be up and down to some degree, but when people land TV gigs, they are longer and more stable than bouncing film to film. They generally allow them to stay in one location as well. That can be more steady for a family. If you play mostly character roles in films you are likely to do less kissing and likely to have less romantic interest parts. And maybe that is something else for you to ask yourself. How important are the roles for you where kissing occurs? How much of a part of your acting career do you need/want that? Do you need/want the bedroom scenes for your exploration and as artist? Are they important to the stories you want to work with? Do you need/want the money for those roles to provide for you? your wife? your potential family? Many actors have spouses who work in other jobs. Some people may just need time to work through the initial shock of things and really think about the job of an actor. Also with your acting thoughts... to think about (and you can share as you want here).... How important is screen acting for you? How important is stage acting? How important is it that you act full time for your profession? How important is it to you to work with Hollywood style films? Would your girlfriend/wife rather have you kissing people onscreen or killing them onscreen? Would you rather be kissing people onscreen or killing them onscreen? A little of both? Relationships are not hard to come by. They are harder to negotiate for most people than they are to come by, especially when young. As people get older they may be harder to come by because people get more finicky and set in their ways a lot of the time and also are less out and around single people and more people are partnered in one form or other, married, in off and on relationships, wounded from one thing or another, etc... You are a young, nice looking guy and I would think that relationships would come fairly easily to you. You can't totally control who you fall for or who falls for you. Some people have what seems to be a strong destiny/soul journey with a certain person who comes into their life. One thing I have learned about love over the years is that there are people who may love the body, or love the idea of being in relationship with a nice looking guy, but often they want to be in a relationship not so much with me the person, but with me as some sort of projected fantasy. They want me to be their prince charming and sweep them off their feet. And I may project the same basic fantasy from all the fairy tales onto them. That is different though than love, someone REALLY loving me. Someone who LOVES you as an actor and/or truly SUPPORTS you, will want you to have the things you value. They may need to negotiate here or there with you, but generally they will likely really be about you. When I moved to NYC, that person was about NYC and was about our profession and really had a lot in common with me enough to understand me. Looking for someone outside of your profession may mean you are not truly 'understood', unless your partner in whatever form - girlfriend, wife, etc... really is up for the journey. Relationships are two ways of course. So then looking at her needs are valuable too. The traditional structure is man works, wife is along for the ride. Some people are reinventing that. If you are an "L.A. or bust!" kind of actor, that is one kind (or an "NYC or bust!"actor). Those paths I think are like sperm and egg paths. You get there or die trying and you know a lot of people are battered along the way, but you gotta go for it. Other people do community theater and are quite happy. They play roles and perform and they just need an outlet. I have liked some community theater. Some of it has been surprisingly good with some relatively deep subjects dealt with. As a writer I may be happy writing some local theater, but I have something in me pushing me towards film and tv writing. So I work at it. The odds are stacked against me for different reasons - I am older than a lot of screenwriters for TV especially. But some people break through and I think I may have what it takes to break through. A relationship came into my life some years ago. There was a lot that was stable and great about it. But it didn't feel like what I was to do. They were grounded in another city in California and were not up for the ride together. We remained friends, but another guy came into their life and they are a much better fit together than I would have been. Recently someone has come into the picture with me who is an interesting potential fit for various reasons - similar pasts. We 'understand each other'. Possibly a 'just friends' thing for a bit or possibly something more. This person understands my creative needs more. May or may not be up for the ride professionally and I am looking at that. In my case the ride may be a move to L.A. at some point and long hours which frankly I am not even sure I am up for, but I know at least creatively I have to work that direction> I also know I feel like I am on track just being in the community conversations around film, tv, etc... I know the thought of a relationship where I was in California or elsewhere and not on track for my writing felt really wrong deep inside me. I am laying foundations and not in a place to jump immediately and move to L.A. and 'follow my dreams'. But I need someone who is up for that adventure - at least to take a relationship seriously. Otherwise it feels like a sidetrack at best and a selling of my soul at worst. What I am finding is most important regardless of love or career is a sort of inner alignment and what some may call the 'spiritual'. Perhaps because I have had at least one of my most significant relationships in the past, I don't have the longings I once did, nor the allusions about relationships. I love the idea of them, but I have been in a relationship and have been deeply unfulfilled as a person. There was 'love' and a lot of familiarity, but there was not alignment. Love is one thing, relationships are another. I have found that I can love many people and even 'fall in love' with different people. Not everyone certainly and it takes more as I get older to feel such things, partly because I am just more astute to things. But I cannot negotiate a relationship with just anyone. I have loved someone who wanted the diner across the street while I wanted to explore all the cultural foods of the city I was in. It was stifling and painful for them and for me. When you can't comfortably eat most meals together, that doesn't work well. I have loved someone who wanted to travel the world and live a mainstream life. I did not have the funds to do a lot of that because I wanted to pursue my art. I have loved someone with kids as I mentioned, but I was not up for that ride - not young kids. Kids grow up and maybe I should have understood that more, but I knew I was not up for years of child rearing and giving so much of my energy to that. I give a lot and gave a lot to people at that time and continue to do so. So it wasn't about selfishness so much as understanding limitations and where I was able to give and how I was able to give. Depending on how serious you are with this girl, you may have more to go with the relationship, but she may not be 'the one'. There is value to learning from relationships where you don't stay and from sharing time on the path together sometimes. Of course if you get someone pregnant than that can be a whole other enchilada. that can make decisions for you. Relationships for creative people are a lot and kissing is just the tip of the iceberg. And sometimes the mystery of the universe.. our souls, etc... have their own mystery to them and where they lead. A friend said once 'the head should serve the heart, not the other way around'. Our professions are creative and our lives are creative, we build them and we can do them in classic or creative ways. Creative ways take more thought than just doing something by the book, whatever that book may be. The news right now has Jada Pinkett Smith talking about a 'grown relationship' which may be worth you reading about if you have not yet seen it. I am not idealizing that relationship, but I think it is good for you to look at how actors talk about things sometimes. People struggle to figure out how to do things with all the pressures. Letting go of the simple ideals and finding new ideals is how some deal with it. Others deal with it in other ways, often by just staying out of the wildness of the mainstream business. you know the kind of focus and drive you have at least thus far. You know if you are someone who HAS to be in Hollywood and is ACHING to be in Cannes and at premieres around the world and/or is aching to be in blockbuster films. You know the talent you have developed and the feedback you get. You know the passion you have and how serious you are about the craft. I don't know at this point. People say 'actions speak louder than words' and it may be smart for you to look at your actions. If your actions say this girl is more important than your career than your unconscious may be saying something - at least for now. If your actions say that you value your career more than her, then you may see that too. If the relationship is young still, you may be caught up in how cute she is and how sweet and all that, but as you date longer, you may see further how she is really about something different than you are and vice versa. There are valid wonderful lives outside of mainstream acting and mainstream Hollywood. There are girls who have had actor family members who know the culture and conversations more. There are people who you can meet who just are less possessive by nature and have seen relationships not work out when people control someone. Relationships can have their own mystery. They can have things to teach us that we don't consciously want to learn, but unconsciously seem compelled to go through. You sound like your acting is an art for you where you want to bring all of yourself to it. Is it enough as a hobby? Or do you want it to be your full time work? Is it enough to be characters like the white rabbit (who does no kissing to my knowledge) or do you need/want deeper characters with complicated relationships? Do you want to be a leading man? Do you see roles Clooney and Pitt play and want to scream with envy? Morpheus didn't kiss anyone on the Matrix. Nor did a lot of the other supporting cast. For a while that may be mainly what you get offered and of course smaller roles than that. But also with film shorts and other things you may be asked to do other things. How important is romance in your acting? Do you want to be in romance projects? Or mainly action where you shoot and run around and may have a scene here or there.