Nishandh's Lounge Discussions

I think Jasper could be an interesting main character, Zorrawa Jefferson. He seems like a team leader who's so determined to help the girls reach their goal, he's taking things too far (a flaw). If that's the case, I suggest giving him a reason for acting that way. Maybe one of his parents wanted him to reach his goal and took things too far. And if that's the way Jasper is, I don't think you need to dial him down.

Main characters are not interesting as a person. It is their interaction with their goals and the story.

He could be a hero helping them escape, he could be a kidnapper, he could be a cop. He is just a guy screaming at woman.

As Craig says. Or said in a slightly different way:

There is just too little story to judge about, first page or not. There simply isn't enough context yet. Pro or amateur judging this page, that doesn't even matter. Could be great, I just don't know. The only thing I can say is that I would cut the "ing" form.

Try not to stress over every little thing, at least not yet. You'll make a lot of drafts anyway.

If you set up the place correctly and have developed characters, the dialogue will come on its own.

Instead of "Jasper loves every moment of it", It's better to describe his action like how he express that he is enjoying. keep writing. All the best!