Screenwriting : Comedy Feature First Page Help day! by Pat Alexander

Pat Alexander

Comedy Feature First Page Help day!

Hey friends! Today we’re doing a Comedy Feature first page help day. So if you have a comedy film script you’re working on, post the first page below in the comment thread! Myself and members of the community will be pitching in to give you a hand to make it as great as it can be!

We’re just doing comedy today, so please keep it to the genre, but it can be anything comedic from action comedy, to buddy comedy, to rom com, to abstract comedy, to black comedy, to parody, to mockumentary, to indie comedy and beyond! We’re here for it all and here to help!

Once you’ve posted the first page of your comedy feature script, drop us a dime at contests@stage32.com and we’ll hook you up with 20% off your entry to the 9th Annual Comedy Feature contest going on right now!

(https://www.stage32.com/happy-writers/contests/9th-Annual-Comedy-Feature...)

Looking forward to a lot of laughs today! Bring ‘em on!

Wal Friman

A situation where the characters suddenly are 20 years older. Begins with action where I try to create an image of a static long take. Formatting okay? Reads well? Suggestions welcomed.

INT. JOHANSSON’S HOUSE - BASEMENT - DAY

CHILD-LILLY'S, (7), backside. Her heart yearns badly.

She looks into a room where CHILD-NATASSCHA and CHILD-LAURA, (9), pretend to play in a band and the drum set is free.

The observer-girl sighs. She would clearly give anything to get to join. But turns away to leave red eyed. Wait. They invite her over.

The gratitude in the newcomer's face is indescribable when she gets to sit down behind the drums with the big girls.

They want her eyes closed. Double check. Yup, she can't see a thing.

A book comes out from hiding. A hypnosis book. They read from it out loud. The book goes aside and the gals ad lib stuff.

The patient leans back satisfied, while the duo babbles this and that on top of each other.

Young lips articulate.

CHILD-NATASSCHA

..."Nose-Snot Jake".

CHILD-LAURA

..."All pants-pooper weirdos".

The patient's ear picks up every word.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROCKER PUB - DAY

The same ear, later in life. Now with a deformed spiral ear-ring.

LILLY, (late 20s, capable hypnosis survivor). Her backside. And in yearning. She waits for NATASSCHA and LAURA, (30, child-labor hypnotists), who keep their heads bent deep into a car trunk.

NATASSCHA

There she is.

Lilly calls them over and they hurry. Bring their boyfriends WILLIAM and ELIAS, (department heads). What's so special about them is that they let their girlfriends go first.

From behind their backs they smile like creeps and check out Lilly from top to toe. William even gestures - “blow me”.

LAURA

Classy.

She means the building up front.

Tony S.

EXT. SPACE

Stars drift in silence.

A majestic, cold darkness.

Planets watch the show.

The U.S. deep space probe Cosmic Voyeur sails between mother Earth and her daughter, the Moon.

Space distorts and shimmers. A murky BLACK MASS swells in the probe’s path. The Mass grows and grows to blot out the stars.

The unpowered probe accelerates and tumbles into the Mass.

Stars shine anew when the Mass fades away.

EXT. UPSTATE NEW YORK - COUNTRY ROAD - DAY (DRONE)

A remote one lane.

An ocean of Evergreens.

The late fall sky, gray.

If so inclined, toss up a SUPER: “The Not Too Distant Future”

An O’Dor Motors Faraday EV shambles along.

IN THE EV

Fraternal twins ride.

APRIL and MAY, twenty-two.

No love lost betwixt.

Redhead May pilots. Blonde April cruises at shotgun.

April’s always expression: resting bitch face.

APRIL

Next left.

MAY

I know. I lived here.

APRIL

You did?

May launches eye daggers at her sib.

April points the turn anyway.

PRIVATE ROAD

NO TRESPASSING (with hand-painted “especially them”)

Maurice Vaughan

Hi, Wal Friman. I like the idea of the kids suddenly being 20 years older. That's a great situation for a Comedy!

Your scene is formatted/reads well for the most part.

You wrote, "The same ear, later in life. Now with a deformed spiral ear-ring," so I don't think you need "CUT TO."

"From behind their backs they smile like creeps and check out Lilly from top to toe." Maybe change "From behind their backs" to "Behind their girlfriends' backs" so it's clearer.

Why does Natasscha say, "There she is"? Does she see Lilly? If so, how does Natasscha see Lilly when Natasscha is looking in the trunk ("She waits for NATASSCHA and LAURA, (30, child-labor hypnotists), who keep their heads bent deep into a car trunk")?

Maurice Vaughan

Fantastic visual writing, Tony S.! I like your short action line style!

My only suggestion is to put "DRONE" in an action line instead of the scene heading. That way the scene heading won't be so long and it'll be easier to spot "DRONE." A reader might miss "DRONE" if it's at the end of the scene heading.

Wal Friman

Very good, Maurice. Thanks. I better make those changes.

Jon Shallit

THE DANGERS OF UNREGULATED OPERA

EXT NY AREA ALBANIAN-OWNED EUROPEAN MARKET-DAY

VALENTINA FERRANTE, dressed as a down-and-out crack head/wino, drags a shopping cart filled with clothes, empty bottles and assorted bizarrely collected trash down the sidewalk and parks it in front of the market. She mutters to herself in an unknown language, makes odd gestures, tries to straighten out her wild, unkempt hair, and tries to pull together her extremely oversized coat, which has many large pockets.

She opens the door, shuts it, and enters the store.

INT NY AREA ALBANIAN-OWNED EUROPEAN MARKET-DAY

The OWNER, an Albanian, looks askance at her strange mannerisms and incomprehensible gibberish as she wanders up and down the aisles. Valentina fingers one store offering after another, shakes her head, puts it back and keens a weird noise like a bird while she shakes her head in rejection.

OWNER (worried)

Look, lady, you want to buy something or not? It’s all the best quality, I can assure you…but please don’t handle it if you don’t want it, ok?

Suddenly GENE DINAPOLI, dressed as an opera star, with a black suit, white ruffled shirt, white tie, black homburg hat and a red flower in his boutonniere, bangs open the door, and stands in front of it, arms outstretched. He begins to sing the tune of NESSUM DORMA from Turandot, with new Italian words, and advances towards Valentina, who shrieks like a banshee and retreats backwards down the aisle. He follows her around the store, as she begins to take objects from the store shelves and throw them at him. He is unfazed and continues his pursuit.

The owner stands frozen behind the counter, with mouth agape, as the aria continues, with English subtitles.

GENE DINAPOLI

Nessun dorma! Nessun dorma!

Tu pure, o Principessa,

nella tua fredda stanza,

guardi le stelle

che tremano d'amore, e di speranza! None shall sleep! None shall sleep!

Not even you, oh Princess,

in your cold bedroom,

watching the stars

that tremble with love, and with hope!

Ma il mio mistero è chiuso in me;

il nome mio nessun saprà!

No, No! Sulla tua bocca,

lo dirò quando la luce splenderà! But my secret is hidden within me;

no one will know my name!

No, no! On your mouth,

I will say it when the light shines!

Ed il mio bacio scioglierà

il silenzio che ti fa mia! And my kiss will dissolve

the silence that makes you mine!

The owner grabs his cell phone, runs out of the store, and slams the door.

EXT NY AREA ALBANIAN-OWNED EUROPEAN MARKET-DAY

The owner dials 911. The POV is on his shaky hands as he attempts many times to dial, and finally succeeds, all while he looks frantically around the street for aid from someone, anyone.

As he gibbers his complaint in a shaky voice, the sounds of the aria continue from inside, accompanied by ever more hysterical screams from Valentina. She arrives at the shut door, seen from outside face to the glass, nose squished against the surface, and bangs wildly on it as she moans in an unknown language.

OWNER (panicked, stutters)

911? They’se crazy people in my store, singing…the European Market? You got the address? So…

911 OPERATOR (bored, slow, V.O.))

911. What is your emergency, please?

The phone disconnects into a burst of static as the owner stares at it in disbelief, and redials, all the more panicked.

INT NY AREA ALBANIAN-OWNED EUROPEAN MARKET-DAY

Gene appears next to Valentina; he kneels and stretches his arms out as he belts out more of the tune, now with new Italian words. She shrieks again in an odd mix of gibberish, evades him, runs behind the counter and grabs a large, thin French bread roll and a similarly-shaped sausage, returns to the door, and starts to beat him with both objects on his back and head. He continues to sing, passionately, as he rises and spread his arms in a gesture like an embrace.

GENE (English subtitles)

Ti ho amato dal primo momento in cui ti ho visto! Non rifiutarmi, o principessa del marciapiede con il carrello della spesa e gli occhi gloriosi!

I've loved you since the first moment I saw you! Don't reject me, O pavement princess with the shopping cart and glorious eyes!

EXT NY AREA ALBANIAN-OWNED EUROPEAN MARKET-DAY

The owner succeeds in his reconnection to 911. He takes a deep breath, all while he looks at Gene who continues to sing, while he tries to corner the French bread and sausage-wielding Valentina, who continues to beat him off and scream like a banshee.

SECOND 911 OPERATOR (bored, slower, V.O.))

911. What is your emergency, please?

OWNER

Some crazy guy is in here singing and trying to molest a dirty woman who is my customer who is beating him with my Genoa sausage, the high end brand!

Silence for four seconds.

SECOND 911 OPERATOR (giggles, V.O.)

911. What is your emergency, please? Can you repeat that, please? Is anyone hurt …or are you in danger? Do you need an ambulance?

OWNER (frustrated)

No! It’s just a SAUSAGE she is hitting him with! And a French bread! He isn’t even noticing it!

SECOND 911 OPERATOR (giggles, V.O.)

Ok, then, no ambulance? Are there any weapons being displayed? Are you in danger?

OWNER (yells)

Just SAUSAGE!

SECOND 911 OPERATOR ( hysterically, V.O.)

Ok, then, we will send an officer from the vicinity…stand by…do not try to interfere with the two …combatants. Don’t approach them!

The operator disconnects.

The owner stares as Valentina runs out of the store and slams the door. Her coat flaps wildly and seems more bulky than before. She grabs the shopping cart and runs with it down the street at full speed.

Gene leaves the store after her and holds his hands wide, while he stands and sings, interspersed with his fingers that clean the French bread crumbs off his shoulders

More than a page-I coudnt resist-have a good laugh!

Maurice Vaughan

You're welcome, Wal Friman.

Maurice Vaughan

This is hilarious, Jon Shallit! Fantastic job on the comedic tone in your scenes!

Maybe change “NY AREA ALBANIAN-OWNED EUROPEAN MARKET” to “NY AREA EUROPEAN MARKET” in the scene headings and put “ALBANIAN-OWNED” in an action line.

I suggest breaking up the paragraph that starts with “Suddenly GENE DINAPOLI….” and the paragraph starting with “Gene appears next to Valentina; he kneels and stretches his arms out” so they aren’t so long. Also, you could take out “Suddenly” and start with “GENE.”

You could change “He begins to sing the tune of NESSUM DORMA” to “He sings the tune of NESSUM DORMA.” Things like “begins” and “suddenly” take up space in a script.

I think it’d be funny if the owner called the police in the store and tried to tell them what’s going on, but Gene sings loudly and dances toward the owner like Gene advanced toward Valentina, so the owner – scared – rushes outside to finish the call. But even if you don’t add this, your scenes are hilarious!

Tony S.

Thanks, Maurice.

It reads better with the proper line spacing.

Maurice Vaughan

You're welcome, Tony S. You're right. It reads better with the proper line spacing. And it saves space. I like your style!

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