Screenwriting : First Page of My Script- Feedback Welcome! by Sana Chugh

To be honest, it’s really hard to judge the entire film or concept based on just one page, but your opening page sets the tone that this is a story about a boy and a girl’s love. It’s not really about a leader or anything bigger; the girl is just a student.

However, at the beginning, you mention that your story is about the genocide and the power of mob violence, yet you don’t show any of that here. Maybe it comes later in the script, but if not, I would suggest making it clear that the story is not only about love, but also about the genocide.

Hi, Sana Chugh. I think the page sets the right tone and intrigue for the story, and I think the structure, cinematic feel, and pacing are fine.

I can tell from the page Jagdeesh will have to make a tough decision later (protect the girl he loves or surrender to mob vengeance).

I suggest putting "11 AM" on an action line.

You could describe the campus and the students some more at the opening. It'll make the tone even stronger.

I agree with Maurice that the campus could be described a bit more, but I don’t agree that the first page sets the tone of the story. Look, if he is giving a speech and the crowd is applauding, that means he is a leader. And a leader wouldn’t just stand silently, say a line or two, and look around for the girl he likes. He would be riling up the crowd — that’s the first point.

Secondly, if the crowd is applauding and cheering, that means they support him. That means there’s no apparent threat. He needs to show, either with words or some action, that there is a threat of genocide or something else. Right now, it just reads like a love story — nothing more. There’s not a word about the genocide or the real issues that concern the crowd, and that needs to be shown. Especially since this is a short film. On the very first page, the audience should already understand that this is not just a love story, but also a story about struggle.

Thank you for your perspective, Aleksandr. To clarify, this is indeed a love tragedy- set against the backdrop of the 1984 Sikh Genocide. The personal love story collides with a larger social and political catastrophe, and the clash is what drives the emotional core of the film.

You know, I think it will be easier for you to write if you first decide for yourself whether this is a love story set against the backdrop of genocide, or a story about genocide seen through the lens of love.

You know, you’ve chosen a very challenging topic and situation, because the choice between ideology and love is always difficult. If he is speaking on stage, that means he is a leader. And if he is a leader, he must be willing to make sacrifices — he would give up anything, even love, for his cause — that’s the first point.

Secondly, why can’t he protect her, hide her, or take other measures?

If you want, you can take a look at the Russian film Stalingrad. It tells the story of a love between a Soviet girl and a German officer against the backdrop of World War II. It’s somewhat similar in theme.

And just to add a note — you’re writing the script, so of course you know what it’s about. But for someone like me, who isn’t deeply familiar with India’s history, it’s harder to understand the full context of your story. Somewhere in the script you need to show why this gathering is happening, what they’re fighting for, and who is in conflict with whom — so that as many viewers as possible can grasp the stakes.

Also, since your story is set in 1984, you should find a way to make that clear early on. That way, even someone who may not know the history of India can at least recognize the year, look it up, and immediately understand the backdrop of what happened there in 1984.

"Thank you so much for this detailed feedback, Aleksandr. I completely agree with your point about giving more context early on — especially since international readers may not be familiar with India’s history. I’ll definitely work on clarifying the backdrop so the stakes are clearer from the start.

At the same time, my intention was never to make Jagdeesh a heroic protector. His silence and hesitation in the face of violence are what turn his love into a tragedy, and that contrast is central to the story. The opening campus scene is set before the Prime Minister’s assassination, which is why the atmosphere is calm for now — I even noted the exact time to hint at this placement.

I really appreciate your suggestions, and I’ll use them to strengthen how the story’s context is conveyed for a wider audience."

The first page tries hard to announce itself as “cinematic” but collapses under its own weight. This is classic describing a movie instead of telling a story.

The open energy is good, but the mob is painted in broad strokes without texture or individuality.

Visual flourishes are a tad overdone. Jagdeesh is a too glossy: flawless outfit, hair tousled in the wind, a bracelet dangle like a plot point; more a brochure for charisma than a human being. There’s no sweating, stumbling, hesitation or mild anxiety — The things that make us all human. When a character starts off at this level there’s nowhere for them to go but down.

Harpreet fares no better. She’s props — physics books, a dupatta tug, and a nervous glance. Rather than specificity, we get shorthand of a “good girl” who blushes on cue.

Structurally, the scene unfolds in a predictable sequence: crowd noise, leader introduced, girl revealed, leader notices girl, girl blushes, leader drops a sermon.

There’s no disruption, no tension, no grit, no dissent. By the time Jagdeesh makes his declarations, it’s bumper-sticker territory. The follow-up, “... and in the name of some special ones too …” is a tad soapy and undercuts seriousness.

The page reads like a trailer reel. Every beat is pre-blocked: sunlight flare, bracelet glimmer, dupatta adjustment, shy smile. A music video with no track. Nothing in the crowd resists or complicates Jagdeesh, nothing in Harpreet suggests inner life. The world bends around Jagdeesh. He should struggle to bend into it.

The page plays like melodrama straining to be epic and clever. It offers spectacle without specificity, and romance without depth. Cinematic on the surface yet a bit too show-offy at the core.

This may not be the best way to start the story. A brief backstage scene where we meet an uncertain Jagdeesh and perhaps Harpreet there with him might serve the story better. We hear the roar of the crowd offscreen.

Good luck.

In order to read your page, it would be nice if you formatted it properly.

Jim, I have tried posting things online before and sometimes when one posts a script format, depending on the site, it changes it. I am not saying that this is what happened, but I have had it happen to me online.

Thanks. I have had the same problem. Sorry for calling you out on formatting.

The tone is perfect it balances the fervor of a political rally with the intimate, personal connection between Jagdeesh and Harpreet. The undercurrent of dread is palpable, making the page incredibly intriguing. We know a storm is coming, both politically and personally.