Hello, I had just got my feedback from the exec, and it is my Biggest W so far, I have been considered for both my project and as a writer! One of the things of the feedback is that she saw that there is past tense in my screenplay which I do know NOT to do, but I looked up resources on Perfect Present Tense. I will post an example in my script:
"Henchmen Five is silently pulled form the forklift"
Much of my actions are written like this, is this ok? Thanks!
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Yeah that looks good to me
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Who is doing the pulling? For use in present tense I would say xyz pulls Henchmen Five from the forklift so you’re indicating the action done by the characters as they’re doing it.
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Congratulations on the Considers, Justin Groats! I don't know if writing in Present Perfect Tense will be a big issue with readers or not, but a script usually reads better in Simple Present Tense, and the script will be filmed in Simple Present Tense.
Dan Guardino The temporal qualifiers are still trying to fight their way through the Screenwriting Blockade from eons of writing with them as my confederates.
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My approach is to ignore most don't lists. Sure, there are some absolutes, but a lot of lists can clutter the mind away from writing in your own style that flows through into your creation. (eg: I might choose to write "Megan begins to weep" instead of "Megan weeps", as that would show, in this moment, the weeping doesn't just happen, it comes more slowly than that). Just my approach - everyone has their own.
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Read stacks of scripts and figure out for yourself what works and dont work. Nolan wrote Oppenheimer in first person tense voice.
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Matthew Kelcourse OK...sorry "okay", you touched on an issue I, and likely other new-ish screenwriters constantly grapple with, i.e. how (?) concise should one be in Action Lines. Apparently, according to many, there exists this magical sweet spot, like on tennis racket, of description that we should aim for. Only, at the same time, judges and readers have different ideas of where said sweet spot is! Re: Megan my brain wants to write "Twas the winter of Megan's discontent... As she spies the barren trees simply existing outside her foggy foyer window she is reminded...of the finality of existence. With that painful reminder of loss, a single tear streams down her cheek. A flood of memories. A flash of pain. Megan begins to weep..."
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I LOVE IT Mike Childress - and being newish myself (began mid-pandemic), I trust my inner writer to know when I want to use "...ing", "as", etc... Sometimes those "don't" words help it read smoother and less fragmented. IMO. I agree with the minimalist approach - short, staccato bursts (depending on genre), forget about grammar, etc... but an entire script in fragmented lines, to me, makes for a terrible read, so I throw in a little poetic license now and then ;-)
Sidebar: Decades ago, I taught at the 4 Star Tennis Academy for some summer cash between semesters, and I love your "sweet pot" metaphor. Spot on!
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Matthew Kelcourse You hit the nail on the head again, i.e. your short burst tactics combined with a dash of poetic license = your screenwriting voice (well plus that pesky dialogue stuff). Is there an overarching magic formula? Doubtful. Perhaps if every script reader were a clone...
Sidebar retort: FUNNY ENOUGH I went to tennis camp for multiple years, ran the pro shop of a tennis club in my neighborhood (my best friend and I also strung racquets with our terrible tabletop stringer), was an instructor for the kids' summer tennis camp at the same club (and assisted pros with doubles lessons), almost went to TENNIS HIGH SCHOOL in Florida (chickened out after my Da said "yes"), and played on my high school team in DC.
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Dan Guardino That script makes mine look like "War and Peace"! Also I think (?) I saw one parenthetical? Bows to Obi-Wan
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Dan Guardino As the saying goes, "The proof is in the pudding"! As for me I thought, incorrectly, with the current feature script I was being less verbose than previously, annnnd still overwriting... Basically going to revamp almost the entire script.
"Henchmen Five silently pull the forklift." is correct. It's habit that we add the past tense in the present form, so overuse could stun a reader and wonder if you get the concept
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Not that I am expert by any means, but I get the impression writing in an active tense works better than a passive tense. As a comparable to your sentence: 'Someone/something pulls Henchman Five from the forklift'. I used to write sentences in a similar way. When I started my (ongoing) screenwriting journey I soon found out I had a habit of writing in the present progressive - knocked that on the head. I also got out of the habit of using adverbs because I realised they don't enhance the verb in the sentence. I would guess from your sample sentence that it would be implicit in the scene no noise was made if you removed 'silently'. Does Henchman Five survive? Could become the scriptwriters' version of the red shirts in 'Star Trek', anyone introduced as Henchman Five is a goner!
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My comment would be about the passive form of that sentence. Who is pulling Henchman five from the Forklift? "Henchmen two pulls Henchman five from the forklift" would be the active, present tense of the action. Ask yourself who is the camera filming during this action? Avoid the passive format (like the plague,)
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Justin — well, first off, big-, BIG-time kudos and congrats! Well-done, sir!
I personally have never heard of the "perfect present tense". I think, Justin, you mean the "present perfect tense" — for example, "I have gone into the kitchen twice today." (but today's not done yet; I may go in a third time) as opposed to "I went into the kitchen yesterday." (yesterday is done and gone).
"Henchman Five is silently pulled from the forklift." That sentence is indeed in the present tense, but it is in the PASSIVE voice (the formula for which in the English Verb System is: [the appropriate form of the verb "be"] & [the perfect passive participle of the verb in question]).
Clearly, you're not violating the rule of writing a screenplay in the present tense. Personally, I eschew the passive voice as weak and unengaging. Consider the following:
"Henchman Five is silently pulled from the forklift."
"Tom silently yanks Henchman Five from the forklift."
Which one is more engaging and grabs you as a reader more? I argue that the second one does. We always want our attention and focus to be on our protagonist. At the end of the day, who really cares about Henchman Five? If we were meant to care about him, he'd have a name.
With characters like "Henchman Five", I like to give them a name and face, to add punch to my scripts that ALL the characters are flesh-and-blood human beings, no matter how throwaway. I would do something like this with the above:
"Tom sneaks up on Boris (22), handsome except for the scar down his cheek, "Russian Army" tattooed on his forearm, Tom yanks the young man from the forklift, knocks him unconscious with the butt of his rifle."
I know this is much longer (could you only possibly imagine if I had written the "John Wick" screenplay?!?), but I write all my stuff very heavy on character, so this seems natural to me.
Again, Justin, congrats. I hope you found at least my explanation of the grammar above of some help.
Keep writing!
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thank you guys so much for you comments and advice! I’ve taken them into consideration and will use everyone’s comments to construct my fourth draft!
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Hi Dan/Justin: You guys are thinking like writers, not SCREENwriters. You are the camera's POV! You don't want to direct the movie from the page, that's not your job. But the director, the editor, the cinematographer, the casting director wants to know what the elements will be in front of the CAMERA. Henchmen 5 is there, a forklift is there: is someone driving the forklift? Is someone sliding the henchman off one of the tines of the forklift? If it's not important to you, the creator, how henchman 5 got on or off the forklift (silent or not) why is it important to see? Your job is to visualize the events, to show the reader (or production team) what is happening in the scene and who is making it happen.
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For me I avoid creating from the camera's point of view. I do think about almost everything else: the setting, scene, character, dialogue, theme, mood, pace, tension, etc... living somewhere in the grey area between novelist and director.