THE STAGE 32 LOGLINES
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CLICKETY-CLACK (TITLE PENDING)
By Yasmine Ekoka
SYNOPSIS:
TBA (This is something that I'm currently working on. I will post the complete draft in the near future, but right now it's my first screen play and I'd like some feedback. I know from reading others' scripts that my big weakness is in the camera shots and technical script and also likely my narration is too much. But if you guys have additional feedback about what could be improved and how this currently fares than I'd really be grateful.)
CLICKETY-CLACK (TITLE PENDING)
INT. A DARK,CLUTTERED ROOM
In the early hours of the morning, a girl sits on her bed and types on her computer, bulging eyes glued on the screen.
She glares and grunts and occasionally slaps the monitor in frustration.
Anna:
Come on, Striker...don't let me down! You can do it! Only a few more bases to go! You can do it! Destroy that bastard!
But then a single shooting sound finishes her as Anna groans in defeat and falls back on the bed.
She takes off her headset to ignore the sounds of her fighter being shot down.
A huge explosion brightens her screen as her plane is destroyed, but she's not willing to watch the virtual carnage.
There's no point after all since it's game over.
When the room darkens and all quiets down, a beeping sounds rouses her attention back to the screen.
ANNA:
(mutters)
Can't fucking believe this..that fucking bastard shot me down again! Fucking shit...urgh. Fuck. This. Shit.
One of her tabs sounds off with a notification. With a roll of her eyes, Anna sighs and opens it.
It's a dating site, and she has a message.
She opens the message and skims it quickly. The message is dated from 2 hours ago...which was when she logged onto her RPG account and began the war to save the universe.
ANNA:
(under her breath)
Fuck.I completely forgot to respond to her. Damn you striker!
Taking a deep breath, Anna formulates her thoughts to respond. Glancing up and down at the whole message again, she cracks her knuckles and begins to type.
(shot to the screen as her words she types appear on the screen)
ANNA: (V.O.)
Dear...No, that's not right. (pause)
...Um...Hey there Joegirl! Hope you are doing well! I'm sorry my message was late...No no, that's not right.
With a shake of her head, Anna erases her message and starts over again.
ANNA (v.o.):
Hey ho, Joegirl! It's me, Anna. Sorry i'm late...but like...I had gotten...busy...?
Anna shakes her head and rolls her eyes. Busy seemed too obvious...
She blinks slowly as she glances at the time. Much too late to have the proper response to such a nice message.
ANNA (V.O.):
Yep. Much too late for this. i'll try again tomorrow.
With a shrug, Anna turns on her lamp and closes her laptop, which she places on her bedside table.
Cut to:
INT.a coffee shop- morning
Anna sits at a table, head turned to the window mindlessly. Though she looks relaxed, she chews slowly on her lip and keeps tapping her finger on her cheek.
Her thoughts revolve around the message that she didn't send to that Joegirl..and more than that, her mind keeps reminding her of the utter defeat that she still reels from at the hands of her top rival, SKYKING21.
The vibration of her cellphone brings her back to reality and she takes her phone out of her pocket.
Her friend SYLVIA sends her a text to tell her friend that she's on her way.
Along with the text, there's a link below Sylvia's message that Anna scrolls over, deciding to listen to it later.
Deciding to chat with her friend while she waits, Anna begins the conversation with what occurred last night.
(shots back and forth between sylvia and anna as their texts are narrated)
ANNA(.v.o.):
So, I totally and utterly tanked last night...
sylvia(v.o.):
Aww (sad face emoticon) D'you mean you got defeated again on that game of yours or did a girl actually say no to you?
ANNA:
Oh no, no! Not girls. Yeah, the game. I was this close to actually beating that level...but was once again thwarted by the efforts of that dreaded SKYKING21.
SYLVIA:
Sigh. Sorry to hear that, girl. But seriously though...how could someone spend most of their time online playing video games when there are beautiful women out there to befriend and get to know?! Speaking of beautiful, have you touched base with your lady Joegirl91 yet?
ANNA(.V.O.):
Sigh...actually, I had gotten distracted by said game when-
Anna doesn't finish her sentence because she hears a gasp and looks up the table to see Sylvia, in a huff, marches over to Anna and slams her hands down menacingly on the table.
Anna recoils further in her seat at the tall brunette's pointed and decidedly mad stare behind her aviator shades.
SYLVIA:
(eyebrow raised)
...You said...you got...distracted?
ANNA:
(hesitates before answering)
...I'm afraid I did. I couldn't help it! My inbox was filled with requests from other members of my flight squadron asking for my immediate assistance! I had to do it to save the galaxy!
SYLVIA:
...How are you sure that they weren't ads from the many many games you're already suscribed to? They could've been baiting you to go back and aid their noble cause of swindling a lonely girl like you purely for money!
ANNA:
Hey! I'm not lonely! I have friends from all over the world and a family...who I've successfully deluded into still thinking I'm straight!
(pauses to look down at her phone sadly)
Still.
SYLVIA:
Oh. (beat) Sorry.
ANNA:
(distant)
...It's ok.
Anna's last line made Sylvia frown in regret.
She feels like she's hit a nerve with that last one.
With a sigh, Sylvia moves away from her friend and relaxes with a stretch.
SYLVIA:
...No, really,I'm sorry about that. D'you wanna talk about it over some of Liz's coffee? My treat.
ANNA:
Sure. Since you're paying.
Sylvia smiles and rolls her eyes as she walks over to the coffee counter, where we meet the handsome barista LIZ, who's currently busy currently making a drink for another customer.
LIZ:
Hey there S! Nice to see you today! i'll be right with you! Are you gonna have the usual?
SYLVIA:
You bet! And we'll take them to go today!
LIZ:
Oh? You're not staying this morning?
SYLVIA:
Nah, not today. Anna's got class and I've got rehearsal for my gig tonight! Which reminds me...can I count of you to promote my upcoming open mic?
LIZ:
Oh yeah! After the turnout last time, Gail was completely estatic! Just tweet me the details and I'll make a reservation for whenever you want it!
SYLVIA:
Will do! Thanks Liz! You always know what's best! And also, (looks behind her) while you're at it...
Sylvia smiles as she sees a cute girl staring at her from the corner of her eye while she's waiting in line. When their eyes meet, the girl giggles softly and looks back in her book.
Sylvia winks at her and waves as the line moves forward.
She just loves getting a cute girl's attention.
SYLVIA:
(snaps her fingers to point at the girl) Actually, if you can also get me whatever that cutie by the 3rd stool there gets too. It's on me.
LIZ:
Well actually, you'll be happy to know that it's her first time here, so your treat will certainly have her coming back!
SYLVIA:
Perfect! Then I will get the beautiful newcomer your best Cappucino Latte on me, please!
LIZ:
(chuckles) Whatever you say, superstar.
As Liz finishes her order, Sylvia keeps her eyes on her new girl with winks and smirks going her way...until her phone rings and she receives a text from Anna, who is decidly pissed that their drinks have taken this long when Sylvia's the only one left who's waiting in line.
When Sylvia looks up to see her friend...she sees their table empty and groans.
With a grimace, Sylvia sends an apologetic text and turns around to see Liz handing her two medium-sized hot coffees with sleeves.
SYLVIA:
Thanks Liz! You're the best!
With another huff, Sylvia rushes to meet up with a smirking Anna, sitting down at the steps of the shop outside.
As the two leave, Sylvie's crush who sits at the stool grins as she twirls a piece of paper with the brunette's number on it...
To Be Continued...
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A note that I wrote this on Celtx, so it looks different on there. So the narration and the dialogue might look similiar when I first uploaded it so I have edited that format to make it more clear. The names are bolded and the dialogue is italicized. But yeah! Comments are appreciated and I'd like to think that i'm heading in the right direction...in this draft of a draft! Thanks for reading and commenting!
Get Trelby instead of Celtx. Trelby lets you export many different file types.
1 person likes this
First thought just from reading the opening...I'm not a prude and don't mind "bad" language, but you overuse the word "fuck." I only read the first couple pages, and you already used it a ton of times. Just like any word, it loses it's meaning when you use it over and over. It also will make producers not want to buy your script. In fact most won't buy it if you use the word more than once. It should be saved only for big moments, if you use it at all.
Hey Joseph, thanks for the feedback! :) I appreciate it. After reading that, I do agree that the 5th "fuck" is completely unnecessary. I'll work on that. :) And I've downloaded Trelby and will be transferring all of what I've written to that platform. Does it come in app form as well? For my android.
1 person likes this
My biggest concern is how visual is the rest of the script going to be? If there's going to be a lot of girls looking at their phones/etc. and having conversations on them it's not going to be too visually stimulating. I know there was the coffee shop scene, but due to the formatting problem, I wasn't sure if what I was reading was happening in real life or on their phones. -- Good idea to show people too wrapped up in their phones; I'm just not sure it's going to make a good movie. Perhaps a novel?? There was some telling instead of showing in this script, like describing what Anna, I think, was thinking about. The movie viewer will only be able to see the manifestation of that thought, i.e. is she frowning, whatever. They won't be able to read your script and know what she is thinking about. There were a few other places where you were telling us stuff, instead of showing us what is happening. Good luck with the rewrites!
1 person likes this
Hey Richard! Thanks for the feedback. The good news is that this is a work in progress and I'm open to all the criticism I can work with! Now, in response to the phone scenario, I was inspired by the movie Men, women and children, which featured the interactions between people and their phones and the general impact of technology and social media on people of today. There are actually a few web series that have or deal with social media and the internet in general. But again, I haven't given much to work with but I'll work on a full visual script for the future. But taking your comment in consideration, I'll actually study my ideas and concretely develop them more so they're clearer. And in response to the visuals, that's where my own weakness comes in as I haven't yet worked on getting the technical jargon in the script, but I'm working on changing that. And fun fact; I'm actually based in fiction writing, so I'm used to writing stories and poetry! But I really want to challenge myself and venture into screen and stage writing! So if I could adapt this story into a novel, I'd totally see that happen. But not in this case! Thanks for reviewing! :D
Thanks Lisa. That is in fact something I should and will be doing. :)