Hi Stage 32-ers,
This logline is driving me mad. I hope it is not a sign that the idea isn't robust enough - I have a full synopsis, and I'm breaking down acts, and scenes into beats - I really like the idea, and love the characters which have been swirling round for years but I feel I finally have a grip on the plot and the structure. I really want this to be the next script that I vomit draft.
However, for the life of me, I can't reduce the story down into a logline that I'm happy with. I know it's not the end of the world if I don't have a workable logline right now but, it is a cause for concern as I want it to be pitch-able.
My best effort yet is below. It is a feature length comedy thriller. It is a British script, the humour is dark, and the tone is dry.
A feisty granny is kidnapped by a desperate couple after their loan application is callously rejected by the granny’s estranged banker son. However, when the son refuses to pay the ransom, the granny teams up with her captors to get her cut of the money.
What do you think? Does it evoke what I've described? I'm tempted to upload the logline and synopsis for everyone to see if that would help
Thank you kind (and the sometimes brutally honest) folk on here in advance
2 people like this
I can picture it. Sounds good.
1 person likes this
Maybe only focus on her.
A kidnapped granny can’t threaten her son enough to pay the ransom, so she teaches him manners by teaming up with her captors for a cut of the money.
3 people like this
Kinda similar to Wal’s with the whole teaching manners thing, but here’s my suggestion: After denying their loan, a desperate couple kidnaps a greedy banker’s old mother. When he refuse to pay the ransom, the mother makes a deal with the couple to teach him a lesson.
I do like your logline, though. It’s a bit beefy, but I get the story. Good luck!
1 person likes this
My comment got a little garbled after posting it seems, but you get the point!
3 people like this
Hi Adam Harper - it feels like it's missing some stakes. Those lie in the question: what will happen if she fails at her goal of paying the ransom?
Here's a great formula I resort to:
“After ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”
4 people like this
Thank you everyone. Some real useful things to consider for me. Wal, good point about focusing on character - I've tried to balance it between 3 main parties but, it's most definitely the Granny's story so will try nudge the logline in that direction for sure.
Leonardo, thank you, I always tend to start with a stencil like the one you've shared. I think because I have 3 different characters all after similar things and all going through their personal arcs I find myself trying to fit them all into the logline. Will have a re-think, using your formula with focus on the sole protagonist I wind up with something like the below:
After being kidnapped by disgruntled customers of her estranged, banker son, a cantankerous Granny conspires to get the ransom money for herself in order to teach her son a lesson
5 people like this
How about this logline, Adam Harper: "After a feisty granny gets kidnapped by a desperate couple and her banker son refuses to pay the ransom, the granny teams up with her captors to teach him a lesson by robbing him."
5 people like this
You're very welcome Adam Harper. This latest one is a great start. The only thing it's missing is the stakes. It could also be shortened. "After being kidnapped by disgruntled customers, a cantankerous granny conspires to get the ransom money for herself before... (stakes).
4 people like this
Matthew - the couple are crooked and trying to set their life straight but, to set up their business venture, they need money. The banker is a 'bad credit' style banker and their last 'clean' option. So, when they're rejected (and not in a nice way) they decide to carry out one last crime against the banker in order to start afresh - so, kind of a Robin Hood, steal from the rich to help the poor scenario.
I suppose I need to make clear the couple are already corrupt.
Latest re-work:
A feisty granny is kidnapped by two crooks who’re rejected a loan by granny’s estranged banker son. When the son refuses to pay the ransom, the granny conspires to get the money for herself before the ransom deadline expires.
2 people like this
""A feisty granny is kidnapped by two crooks who’re rejected a loan by granny’s estranged banker son." I don't think you need to go into detail about why the couple kidnaps the granny, Adam Harper. I think you should save that for the synopsis and pitch.
"A feisty granny is kidnapped by two crooks who’re rejected a loan by granny’s estranged banker son. When the son refuses to pay the ransom, the granny conspires to get the money for herself before the ransom deadline expires." What money is she gonna take if her son refuses to pay the ransom?
It would be great to fit the stakes in the logline like Leonardo Ramirez mentioned.
1 person likes this
Matthew Kelcourse thats an interesting take. It doesn’t fit with the protagonist I have in mind but it’s another interesting take. I should definitely try switching ideas up more often
1 person likes this
@Maurice that’s a really good point about removing motivation for the kidnapping from the logline - I’ll definitely do that and save some valuable wordage!
The money does become available from the son eventually - after he is essentially traumatised to the point of change by his mother (granny), not knowing she is behind it. Will try to think of how to word the logline so that it doesn’t create those kinds of questions… hmm
Thank you so much for helping and commenting
2 people like this
Adam Harper, this sounds like a really great premise. I think the logline is great. You can shore it up once you've written the script, but this very succinctly tells us what the premise of the story is. Now stop worrying and start vomiting! :-)
2 people like this
We don't see the thrill part... perhaps credible granny is an ex-marine, out of commission assassin, or a serial killer that got away; and they're getting more than they bargained for! Perhaps, you have something already written on granny's thrilling or horrifying past to plug into the logline. If not, maybe more character building in the script is needed.
2 people like this
Thanks for sharing... I come from poetry, brevity being the soul of wit and all... Then I must say: I am an unsold, unestablished screenwriter, so take or leave my version:
Their loan application rejected, a desperate couple kidnaps the banker's feisty grandma for a ransom. When the banker refuses to pay, granny teams up with her captors to get her cut of the money.
2 people like this
Bill Watkins, this is a good logline, but it makes the captors the main character. He's telling the story from the Granny's POV.
2 people like this
Thank you everyone, @Pidge the granny is more the resourceful type, she's a hard-ass and not afraid to hurt people as she's done throughout life but not through traditional methods I guess, she's still a vulnerable old lady at the end of the day
@Bill Maureen is right that the Granny is very much front and centre but your logline reads well. Poetry experience will definitely put you in good stead with loglines!
Maureen Mahon I shall get vomiting right away!
2 people like this
A feisty granny teams up for a slice of the ransom with her own kidnappers who were rejected by her estranged son who rejected them for a bank loan.
2 people like this
You're welcome, Adam Harper.
1 person likes this
After their loan application gets denied by a cruel banker, a desperate couple kidnap the banker's estranged yet feisty granny, but when he refuses to pay the ransom, granny teams up with her captors, in exchange for her own cut.